that light is God

HEY LADIES.

2011-10-12T16:01:00.000-07:00

you don't "need" a man.

you don't even need "your" man.

enjoy your life for what it is. then, if you find someone to enjoy it with you... awesome.

but don't let him be all your joy in life.

(it took me a long time to "get" this, but thanks to my amazing patient boyfriend, i'm closer than i've ever been before, and getting better every day.)

Have you ever noticed that when a guy says he’s single, it seems like it’s a choice on his part but when a woman says she’s single, it feels like something that has chosen her? Like, it’s this curse that has been cast on her. She admits it in a tone that whispers, “But I’m doing okay… It’s my turn soon, I just know it.”

I think a lot of men have the ability to appreciate the other things that life has to offer besides a relationship. They enjoy their time alone and worry that a relationship might take that away from them. They value uninterrupted guy time and hobbies and sports and whatever other boring thing that we pretend to like for the time we’re with them.

And most girls feel very threatened by these things. But I believe that feeling threatened by them is your first step towards being single again and losing the relationship. Instead of feeling threatened by all the things he enjoys that aren’t you, you should have just as full a list of things that YOU enjoy.

...These other passions and joys in your life are not place holders in case he calls. They are solid parts of your life that do not take a backseat at the last minute. Feeling threatened by your partner loving something else is selfish. Even if you were able to rid all the things from his life that seem to be in direct competition with you, once they were gone, so would be his dignity and your respect for him.

...we came into this world alone, and we’re leaving it alone, and any time spent alone in between isn’t the end of the world. The more you start enjoying something, the more people start wanting to come enjoy it with you.

WORD.

he is not my life, but i enjoy spending parts of my life with him.

the whole thing is found here: "Single Girls Guide 20"

--> BUT READ THIS EVEN IF YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP.

seriously.

revelations of the wicked

2010-12-01T23:52:00.000-08:00

It is devastating to me how the world we live in today glorifies things that nailed Christ to the cross; causing Him to bleed, suffer, and die.

(but they don't care. they don't know You.)

What devastates me even more is just how much my own life glorifies things that killed the One I supposedly call my Savior and my Lord.

(may my heart weep for the things that make You weep. may i learn to hate my sin.)

"blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

blessed are those who hunger & thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.

blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.

blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."

- matthew 5:3-8

if this was tumblr,

2010-11-19T00:09:00.000-08:00

and if i could "reblog" myself,

i would do so,

right now.

with this post:

February 7, 2010

old/new/now

i found this flipping through my prayer journal tonight. i wrote it december 6th, 2009. i remember. it was during church, after something convicted my heart so greatly, i couldn't contain the words it brought my head. it is truth that i want to rule over my heart and mind and life; a truth which so often doesn't. and i remember, that day, i needed it more than i could find the words to express. but i tried to express what i could.

and now, i find it an even more needed reminder for my life today than it was a month ago.

(i probably knew it would be. that's probably why i wrote it down.)

_________

Christ is my joy; I am His bride. I do not need anything or anyone else for emotional comfort, satisfaction, or gratification. Christ's love alone is sufficient; His person is enough. No human relationship will ever compare, no matter what age, level of spiritual maturity, or personal compatibility. It is then, and only then, when I keep this truth in view and never cease to bring it to mind (as I am so often quick to forget) so I might not forsake my first love in Christ, that I will ever be able to experience the fullest measure of joy that is possible in all other earthly relationships.

By what means?

Because Christ is the only One who has the ability and power and means to bring that joy about. His love is perfect. Therefore, I would be on a futile, aimless and depressing search were I to try and find a love from others to fulfill in my heart what only the Son of God is able to do. Yet, when this truth takes reign over my soul, and Christ has His rightful place on the throne of my desires and affections, my selfish expectations and demands of others to meet my cravings of love will be incredibly less, if not vanished completely. It is then and only then, as previously stated, that i may give love - the true kind of love - freely to others, as it cannot help but generously overflow from the cup that I have in the love of my Savior. Furthermore, any love that I may receive from another, in whatever form, is simply accepted with gratitude and humility, no matter how flawed, common, or seemingly insignificant;

I already posses all the love my heart could ever need in the complete, perfect, and unending love of my Lord.

__________________________

and today

november 18th, 2010

i needed to read this again.

it's been on my heart for a while; now i'm transferring it to the keys

2010-08-25T22:21:00.000-07:00

the following was written partly because it's something i've been thinking through for a long time, and partly in response to this post.

...oh, yes. of course. you can only imagine how this one ends. it's classic. so romantic. just like a scene out of the notebook. or, for those of us less thrilled by the more hollywood-hyped films, perhaps something from eternal sunshine? maybe even a with a little wes anderson vibe? any way you spin it, they’re all the same. they're perfect. there's a reason we are drawn to them. they make damn good stories.

but in the end, that’s all they are. stories. books. movies. and we want them. we want to be in them. we want what they have. we want our lives and relationships and moments to look just like them, because obviously, that's what real love looks like. of course, that's what is really important. it's what makes relationships work. and grow. and last.

...and we couldn't be more wrong.

 it doesn't, they don't, and no. and the sooner you realize that, the better off you are. that, i can promise you. 

but why should you listen to me? what do i know?

i know what this feels like.

or at least, i used to know. i’ve stood at my doorstep, body shaking. i’ve had four am conversations sharing hearts and dreams and secrets. i’ve had songs written about me; beautiful poems. letters. i’ve been the lost love. i’ve been that girl. and sometimes, something brings it back, and i start to remember the feeling, vaguely. but honestly, it's not something i want to remember, anymore. having lived nearly two years of it at one point in my life, having thrown everything away for what i thought i knew i wanted, having gone against better judgment and advice and believing the words of a smart, charming boy over the words of reason… i've come to find out that in the end, it's empty. those things that you so cherished all come crumbling down when push comes to shove. when it gets hard. when she’s not as pretty. when he’s getting on your nerves. when you’re tired. when it’s not fun anymore. when life is normal. all those beloved moments of picturesque romance, the conversations with such witty banter it could have come from a high-budget indie film, the looks and words and touches carried out so perfectly it felt surreal?

you want to know the truth?

when it’s not backed up with real love, they don't mean anything.

and sure, everyone wants those moments. we want to be adored and sought after and have someone stare into our eyes as if we’re the only person on the earth worth looking at. but in reality, anyone can copy what they see in the movies. all it takes is throwing away any inhibition you may have, with maybe a little bit of insanity, and depending on your methods of choice, possibly a couple hundred dollars in gas money. because if you know that these grandiose (read: ridiculous) acts will get you what you want, what wouldn’t you do? even if you don’t get the girl in the end, you’ll be the melodramatic hero. you’ll still have a story that any hopeless romantic would die for. justin vernon could write a song (or a whole album) about it, probably.

(i know it well.)

and, sure. it's one thing to say, "of course what happens in the movies isn't real life. we know that." but when you're in the middle of living out something that makes the scene from the royal tenenbaums (with margot and richie and the perfect nico song in the background) a mundane occurrence, it's a lot harder to keep your head out of the clouds.

therefore, unless you realize that relationships are not a series of one perfect moment to the next, and are a lot more work than you ever (EVER) had imagined or heard, you will be living in a dreamworld. you will be continually disappointed. you will look for something that doesn't exist, and you will never be satisfied. you will have a skewed perspective of how someone should love you, and you will never learn how to really love someone else. you see, smaller acts of kindness often say a lot more about a person's character, more about his motives, and more about how he really loves rather than those epic moments of romantic glory... even the sacrificial ones. because in reality, lasting relationships take the kind of daily, continual sacrifice that actually doesn't look all that romantic on a big screen or sound all that beautiful when you talk about it.  but, these are the things that matter. that are real. that count.  things like listening when you don't want to. things like saying you're sorry when it isn't a big deal to you (but it is to her). things like letting him have space when he doesn't feel like holding you for hours (and not pouting about it later). things like communicating about what's bothering you, and things like hearing the other person out even when you don't agree. things like not expecting him to read your mind, and things like trying to understand her even if you think you never will. things like not making assumptions. things like considering the other person before yourself. things like being careful about how you speak to each other, even when you're angry. things like tone. things like body language. things like attitude. things like patience. kindness. gentleness. humility. not being rude, self-seeking, or easily angered. not keeping a record of the wrongs done against you, but forgiving. being truthful. protecting. trusting. hoping. enduring.

…and that, my friends, is real. that, is love.

updatetimemaybe

2010-05-15T01:07:00.000-07:00

alright.

i've been home for exactly a week now, and my fears of not having friends has nearly completely ceased.

(i am so blessed.)

it would take a novel (or at least a couple more hours of staying up, which i don't want to do) in order to write in detail about the ways God has shown me His love and provision in my life. the most prominent of ways has been with my amazing friends who love Him and (in turn) love me. i am reconnecting with people i've barely spoken to in years or thought may have hated me, and having the most blessed times of fellowship i could ever imagine. i am starting a job with very good pay in my own home church, often hitching rides with my mother and getting to work out with her in the mornings as well. i will be (HOPEFULLY) getting my car fixed tomorrow, and next weekend i am going back down to LA to see one of my absolute favorite bands play a show in which i have FLOOR tickets to (which was not the case last time). and tomorrow evening, jessica is coming over to do a photoshoot for my etsy store which i am finally (slowly) starting up again.

speaking of jess, sunday night was the most relaxing and enjoyable time i've had in so long, and tuesday night with brittany was just unexpectedly amazing, full of wholehearted laughs, tears, and just wonderful fellowship. (i have missed you both more than i can put into words, and i cannot even express just how thankful i am to Jesus for having you both back in my life.)

this week has been relaxing and fantastic and there is not much i can really complain about (aside from not having a car i guess... ha). i have done nothing and yet got a lot done, and have even been on my computer long enough to sell some books on amazon, order things from ebay, and have relatively edifying (and awesomely sarcastic) conversations over facebook chat, aim, and skype. in fact, i have had two absolutely amazing nights in a row, though for completely different reasons.

and yet... i miss LA. i do. but after some thoughtful consideration, i've come to the conclusion that rather than the places themselves, i actually miss the people and the experiences i had with those certain people at those certain places more than anything else. i miss burbank and ventura and hollywood and santa clarita not because of the location, but because of the associations i have with them. i remember the feeling i used to get at sundown, or with late night drives into the city. i remember the anticipation i felt after a day of school, knowing that shortly after i would be getting to take a trip to jamba juice or going exploring or having "study" time at denny's. and i miss those times already. i miss those people i shared those times with. for instance, i really miss what i would have been doing on this very friday night/saturday morning, were i still in the LA area - hanging out/giving tacos/ministering to the homeless folk on skid row. those were some of the most amazing times i had right before leaving master's, and it's hard to know i won't be doing that practically ever again, at least not on a consistent basis. there is nothing more incredible than being used by God in the most evident of ways, especially when you least expect it.

and now, i'm sitting on the floor in my room thinking about all this, in awe at how my life got to be where it is - in these last three years, in this last semester, in the short two months when everything changed from what i thought my life would look like. but i'm okay with that now. no, i'm thankful for it. God knows what He's doing with my life, even if i couldn't be more clueless. and even though i might not know everything, i do know what the Lord is asking from me in a lot of ways, the most clearly being that which is in His Word. it's just hard to remember at times that the things i actually need to know are the very things He's already given to me - in His truth, and the ways He's growing me in my life - and this is what i must not neglect. the rest is not in my control. and, well, i'm kind of glad that's the case... because i'm pretty glad about where my life is right now.

(even if it doesn't all completely make sense yet.)

- koontz

truly,

2010-04-28T22:48:00.000-07:00

i am starting to think that fellowship is the greatest blessing we have been given on this earth, second to knowing Christ and studying the Word.

(and i'm overwhelmingly thankful that i've been able to experience so much of it lately.)

confused

2010-04-25T02:58:00.000-07:00

is a good word for it.

2010-04-22T09:41:00.000-07:00

this one is my favorite from the night,

and so i decided to share it with you.

a few things.

2010-04-18T00:22:00.000-07:00

for one, last night sure didn't suck. at all. in fact it was pretty enjoyable. and by that, i mean really enjoyable. so that was awesome.

two, i finished my senior thesis. thirty pages, single spaced, on the topic of self-deceit. i would give a general explanation of what my paper/project consisted of and what it's main points were, but that is pretty much the last thing i want to do right now. if you're really curious, ask me and i'll tell you some other time. or just email it to you. in all it's thirty-page glory.

three, i still don't have a car. and i know it's no one's fault but my own, first of all for crashing it, and secondly for not having money to be able to just pay for it to get fixed. although i'm sure that even if i did my father and brother would have scoffed at that and said how ridiculous it would be for me to pay for someone to fix it when they could do it themselves. however, that has not been able to happen yet, for numerous reasons, some of which are: sickness, races, and weather. so, i probably will remain car-less until graduation. which is not what i had been hoped and had been told. but again - can't blame anyone else, really. besides maybe the weather. yeah, stupid weather.

and yet, of course, there are a few things that i would still like to do one last time before i leave the los angeles area somewhat indefinitely. however, in light of my lack-of-car, the majority of these things will most likely NOT happen. unfortunately. even so, i will list my heart's little last wishes:

- spend a day at the ventura thrift stores (with the company of the lovely mrs. erin howard)

- rummage the jet rag sunday morning sale (and take my dear friends elizabeth and anna with me)

- find and spend an afternoon at some coffee shop in hollywood/LA, by myself or with one other person (i.e. kristen)

- take stuff to buffalo exchange

- see a movie at the new beverly cinema with some pals

- check out whatever's at amoeba

- go to another hardcore show (and NOT get in a wreck on the way there)

- go to any show

- go to santa monica (though on second thought that might actually not be a good idea for me at this point in time in my life)

- hang out with some folks at skid row on a sunday afternoon or a friday night with the master's group

- visit the burbank dollar bookstore, along with other fun little burbank stores

- visit my friends at APU

- visit my friends in pasadena

- get (somewhat) dressed up and go out. i don't care where. i don't care what we do. i just want to walk around and feel pretty and explore the city again, with someone i feel comfortable with. someone i can talk to. someone who sees the little traces of beauty that's left in this trashy, commercialized, sad place... and wants to seek out and enjoy every last bit of it.

four--

on that note:

i have learned

2010-04-16T01:41:00.000-07:00

that it is in fact possible

to have the best day and the worst day

of your entire week/month/semester/year

on the same day.

for (basically) the same reasons.

oh Lord. what do i do, now?

i cannot wait

2010-04-14T10:41:00.001-07:00

to be done.

why does this always happen?

2010-04-10T00:41:00.000-07:00

where i'll set out to do merely get some homework done, but instead, i end up crying and asking the Lord for forgiveness because i'm so freaking convicted from some mere counseling book i'm reading for a stupid class.

(i'm starting to think they do this on purpose...)

anyway.

i know this is a lot of words. so, don't read it if you don't think you have time. but, friends, if you have time to mess around on facebook and blogs and tumblrs and whatever else you fill your afternoon with, maybe you might just have time to read this thing which could make you think. perhaps.

...But seek first His kingdom, and these things will be given to you ask well.

Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear our, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Luke 12

"How incredibly tender! how patient. He calls us his little flock, aware that life holds many dangers. He reminds us that the Creator knows the details of creation. He is close and involved...

And he is not just interested in the big picture of your life. He knows trivia such as the hairs on your head. To have that kind of knowledge, someone must be present with the person and have immense care for him or her. Casual acquaintances are satisfied with knowing the basic outline of your life. Intimate friends want to know all the details.

Then Jesus asks, with tongue in cheek, if anxiety really helps...He is suggesting that the situation is not as dire as we think. He can make light of it because He knows that there is no need to worry. He is the loving shepherd. He will not leave, and He will never sleep.

'You trust me,' He says. 'I will worry about tomorrow.' Then, in a beautiful and persuasive conclusion, he reminds us that He is a generous God who not only gives the kingdom to his children but is pleased to do so.

This raises two questions. First, what is the kingdom? The kingdom is everything God promises His children: love, joy, peace, patience, His presence, forgiveness, adoption into His family, the hope of being free from sin, and being with our Father, the King.

Second, is the kingdom that important to you? Perhaps you already believe that God is pleased to give you the kingdom, but the kingdom doesn't sound that great. Perhaps you have your heart set on something else. You believe that 'my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus' (phil. 4:9), but you aren't so certain that He will supply all your wants.

This is how idolatry grows in our hearts. We want things and we aren't sure God will give them to us, so we put our trust in other gods. This is THE problem of the human heart -- misplaced trust. We value, love, and trust something in creation more than the Creator, and since there is nothing in creation that is intended to bear the weight of our trust, we are bound to live in fear.

All other loves must be subordinate to your love for Christ. This may sound like God is demanding our love, and that is true to a point. But the reason we are to love Him more than all other is that, among the many suitors for our affections, He alone is worthy of such love.

How do you turn back to the One who truly loves you? It is called repentance. Your acknowledge your wrong in pursuing false gods, and you set out to know the beauty of the true God who patiently pursues you."

amen.

alright. i'm finally saying it.

2010-04-09T14:37:00.000-07:00

...i miss being able to talk about the Lord and not feel like i have to give a million disclaimers preceding my conversation, like:

“i know this seems cliché, but…”
“i’m sorry this sounds cheesy, but…”
“i know everyone says this, but…”
“not to sound Masters-y, but…”

i miss being able to talk about the Lordship of Christ in one’s life, about the heart being the main issue, about having a love relationship with Jesus, about selfish desires and godly motives and bible passages and mutual encouragement without fearing someone is thinking (or actually saying to me) --
“well of course you’d say that, you’re a biblical counseling major.”

i’m tired of trying so hard not to fall into some Christian stereotype that i start to neglect Christ Himself.

i’m sick of this attitude that so fears being equated with the homeschool girl down the hall to the point where i avoid voicing my own desire to be in women’s ministry.

i’m honestly fed up with our embarrassment of the Christian pop culture, so we quickly run to the other side, whole-heartedly embracing the morally lenient and indulgent culture of this world.

i’m exhausted. i’m drained. and so, i’m done.

i am a Christian. i sound cheesy sometimes. i’m not cool. i get overly exicted about trivial things. i laugh a lot. i love phil wickham, relient k, and five iron frenzy. their lyrics make me fall on my knees and cry before the Lord in worship, or (with the latter) fall on the ground in laughter. i talk really fast at times, especially, when i’m extremely passionate about something. i get excited about God doing wonderful things in my life and lives of others, and am often extremely passionate about it; therefore, to the point of talking really fast. i like taking drives into nowhere and talking about how beautiful the sunset is because the Lord has made it. i love talking to high school girls about Jesus being their lover and how they should wait for a boy who loves God more than he loves girls. i’ll dance around like an idiot at times; sometimes because i’m just that happy, sometimes because i’m just a nerd. i care more about lyrics in worship than the music sounding good, and i try really hard to worship the Lord as passionately as i would if the song was to my liking. i believe that God does “open” and “close” doors, that He can work through circumstances, and that He even uses our screw-ups, because His heart is about glorifying Himself and working out things for our good. i believe the Lord has a plan for me, but that He cares more about me obeying Him in what He has already told me is His will for me in His Word, than having some self-fulfilled future based on my own dreams and agendas. i believe that Christ is my fulfillment, my joy, my everything – though i struggle to remember this daily. my best and closest friendships are with those who mutually encourage one another towards love and good deeds, who share with me what the Lord is doing in their lives and ask me about what He’s doing in mine, who really pray for me and ask me to pray for them, and who aren’t afraid to talk about the Jesus like He really is King, Savior, Lord, and Love of their life.

i don’t care how cheesy that sounds.

i don’t care how cliché that sounds.

i don’t care how Christian-y or Maters-y or Biblical Counseling-ish that sounds.

that is me. that is who i am, and that is the God i serve.

(and i’m not just okay with that. i’m ecstatic about it.)

well, i certainly have a newfound appreciation for dr. mcarthur...

2010-04-08T00:05:00.001-07:00

"For a Christian to be willfully unforgiving is unthinkable. We who have been forgiven by God Himself have no right to withhold forgiveness from our fellow sinners. In fact, Scripture plainly commands us to forgive in the same manner as we have received forgiveness: "Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ has forgiven you" (Eph. 4:32).

Since God commands us to forgive others, refusing to do so is an act of direct disobedience against Him. Let me say it plainly: refusing to forgive is a horrible sin.

Forgiveness reflects the character of God. Unforgiveness is therefore ungodly. That means that unforgiveness is no less an offense to God than fornication or drunkenness, even though sometimes it is deemed more acceptable. Certainly it is more frequently found in the open among the people of God than the sins we typically regard as heinous. But Scripture is clear that God despises an unforgiving spirit."

- The Freedom & Power of Forgiveness, Dr. John McArthur

get this book. every one of you. seriously.

remember, o my soul:

2010-04-03T01:34:00.000-07:00

(this is all that matters.)

how deep the Father's love for us,
how vast beyond all measure!
that He should give His only Son,
to make a wretch His treasure.

how great the pain of searing loss;
the Father turns His face away
as wounds which mar the chosen One
bring many sons to glory.

behold! the Man upon a cross-
my sin upon His shoulders;
ashamed, I hear my mocing voice
call out among the scoffers.

it was my sin that held Him there,
until it was accomplished;
His dying breath has brought me life:
I know that it is finished.

I will not boast in anything-
no gifts, no power, no wisdom;
but I will boast inJesus Christ,
His death and resurrection.

why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer;
but this I know with all my heart:
His wounds have paid my ransom.

i guess it can't last forever

2010-04-01T22:10:00.001-07:00

i just spent the last hour of my life reading blogs from a girl whom i used to be semi-good friends with in high school. i guess, though, you're kind of semi-good friends with everyone when you go to a school with only sixty-something students. but regardless. reading her words was so encouraging, yet, triggered that nostalgic sadness that always seems to overwhelm me when i come home on weekends and sit in my room and am alone. and i turned down all the picture frames staring me in the face, reminding me of what i thought my life was going to be like, now telling me i was wrong. so wrong. and i'll cry about it, and wish to re-do the last three years of my life, but that won't solve anything. it never does. so reading emma's words, about her and josh and what the Lord did with that, was encouraging, but also-- well. i can't be too vulnerable over the internet. but i want that. i want that so badly. and i know the Lord gives me the desires of my heart, when my desires are in line with His good and perfect and pleasing will for my life. and i want that too, i really do. i want to stop living for myself and thinking about myself, and i want to accomplish the good work that God has set out for me to do.

...but it would be really nice if i was able to do that with someone alongside me; leading me, holding my hand, someone i can trust, praying with me and for me, serving, loving, enjoying, enduring, and just doing life with me.

(my heart is soft again tonight.)

and while i'm somewhat frustrated with myself that i'm not as gung-ho about life as i was last night, i need not get too discouraged. the Lord knows i needed this. He knows my sappy, emotional heart will only keep me running back to Him, falling on my knees, begging for mercy and for Him to reveal Himself to me once again. and i know that He will, showing me His love and grace in only ways that He can.

and i know, really truly, that is all i need.

well.

2010-04-01T00:35:00.000-07:00

the last two days have been filled with too much joy to just let that sad post sit there like that.

just to list a few reasons:

- four relatively long, incredibly edifying/encouraging/Christ-focused phone conversations with people i love, getting me even more excited about coming back home to monterey.

- a few texting interactions with some people i haven't talked to in forever, again, making me so looking forward to reconnecting with them and hearing about what God's been doing with their lives.

- even hearing about sad news in the church (as a whole, not shoreline specifically or anything), was still encouraging, as i heard how godly men and women (including some of my very closest friends) handled these things in a biblical and loving manner.

- for some reason, being more passionate and hungry for the Word of God than i have been in so long. i cannot stop talking about it, writing about it, thinking about it, asking about it. something inside of me has changed, and i never want to go back.

- on top of all of this random great fellowship already, many of these aforementioned individuals i've alluded to, i will be privileged enough to do ministry with in the near future (mid-may). i cannot wait for this. of course by that, i mean, i can wait - it just makes me that much more eager to graduate. yet, in the midst of my ready-to-be-home-NOW-ness, the Lord has healed and blossomed some old and many new friendships with girls here at masters. i haven't had this much fun hanging out with the girls on my wing since the very first month or so of school (september). they are SO freaking rad. i love them. and while i'm tempted to get discouraged about my lack of pursuit of them earlier this semester, as someone told me a few weeks ago, i need to not worry about that now. worrying does nothing for the Lord. instead, i need to take what God has obviously given me, and be faithful with that. i need to run hard for Christ NOW, not say "oh, i'll do that when i get home and don't have all these papers to write" - because life will always be busy. and therefore, part of my faithfulness to the Lord now, with my last five weeks of school ahead of me, is pouring into the girls around me for as long as i'll get to have them living next door, across the way, and down the hall. God put them around me for a reason, and i want to find out what that is, even in this short time i have left.

gah. i'm so thankful i could explode. i don't understand this, though -- but with the Lord, i guess it makes perfect since. i haven't been able to go a day without crying - that is, seriously bawling my eyes out - since thursday, the 18th. i now sit here, april 1st (at 1am, that is), and the last two days, i haven't cried at all. not once. not even tears. just joy. just this amazing peace, assurance, confidence, and hope from Christ. He is all i need. and right now, He is all i want. honest. i couldn't say that two days ago. i wanted to want Him alone, but i wanted other things, too. so badly. and of course i struggle with that daily, but He has been so faithful. i didn't expect Him to show me His love so abundantly like this so fast. i was hurting so much. but now, my heart is full, and i am in love with my God. and i am in awe at how, in the words of my roommate, "the ways He provides little graces...the way He loves [me] better than anyone else ever could."

friends, get to know your Lord. the world tastes so stale and bitter and lifeless compared to His pure, perfect, completely satisfying love. and every time i doubt that, He reminds me again, when i ask Him. and even sometimes when i don't. but i beg you: ask Him.

"Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good!

Blessed is the man who takes refuge in HIm!

Oh, fear the LORD, you His saints,

for those who fear HIm have no lack!

The young lions suffer want and hunger,

but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing."

psalm 34:8-10

(the first passage i have now underlined in my newly re-upholstered esv bible.)

goodnight, all.

and now, friends, a not-so-friendly reminder

2010-03-30T15:59:00.000-07:00

people are dark.

people are wicked.

people are selfish.

people don't care, they don't love, and they aren't honest.

and were it not for the Holy Spirit, i would never trust anyone.

including myself.

homework haiku

2010-03-30T14:33:00.000-07:00

"the excellent wife" -

the only homework that i

do not hate doing.

a friendly reminder

2010-03-29T16:29:00.001-07:00

it's much easier to thoughtlessly (and sinfully) complain than to lovingly (and biblically) confront.

(try to remind yourself of that the next time you start to recount to someone else all the horrible things someone has done to you. it may stop you mid-sentence. or at least, it probably should.)

theo II homework time

2010-03-28T23:06:00.000-07:00

(note: i wrote this right after it happened. my clock is not wrong.)

about two minutes ago, at the lyon’s starbucks at 9:21pm, i was being watched. i was reading the book, “saved by grace”, by Anthony A. Hoekema. a girl had been looking my way for a few minutes. soon after, she was standing up. now, she was directly behind me. not knowing what was going on, i turn around; i see her. we make eye contact. i turn back to what i’m doing; she stays there. i start to turn around again, this time more confused. she then comes alive, kind of laughs, and says, “oh, i’m sorry, i’m just being nosy.” i said i didn’t mind at all, and that i can be the same way but i’m not as bold to ever do anything about it. she asked what book it was; i showed her the cover. she asked what class it was for; i said theology. she says, “oh wow, how are you liking that?” i say, “well, it’s a DS – direct study – so all i do is read books and write papers, but it’s really interesting and good stuff.” she says, “well what is that book about?” i say, “this is one of five that i have to read for this class. it’s about an aspect of Christian theology, how it is God’s grace alone that saves people, and not their works or other religious stuff people try to do.” she kind of cocked her head a bit. “wow, really? i’ve never heard that before... well, thanks for letting me be nosy! hope you do well in your class!” and before i could say anything else, she pranced back off to her friends.

i didn’t evangelize. i didn’t give her the complete gospel message including Christ’s crucifixion and resurrection after three days. i didn’t explain total depravity or the fall of man. but i couldn’t stop thinking how thankful i was for that brief little interaction. God is so good. and i’m so glad i came to starbucks to do homework tonight.

thank you, edward t. welch:

2010-03-26T15:59:00.000-07:00

"instead of teaching us how to identify the [reasons why we are] suffering, Scripture directs us to the God who knows all things and is fully trustworthy. in other words, Scripture doesn't give us knowledge so that we will have intellectual mastery of certain events; it gives us knowledge so that we would know and trust God. 'God, i don't know what You are doing, but You do, and that is enough.'"

"you are standing at a crossroads and you will take one path or another. there is no such thing as not choosing, because 'not choosing' is one of the paths. it too is a choice. your decision is between calling out to the Lord or not...You can sit in silence or cry out the Lord. you can cry on your bed or cry out to the Lord. these are the two choices."

"....'i have lost the most important thing in life' could be reinterpreted as, 'God is not enough.'"

"the challenge for us is to think as God thinks. in other words, our present thinking must be turned upside-down. we once thought that suffering was to be avoided at all costs; now, we must understand that the path to becoming more like Jesus goes through hardship, and it is much better than the path of brief and superficial comfort without Jesus."

"humility says, 'God owes me nothing.' 'He is not my servant; i am His.' 'God is God, and He has the right to do anything He wants.'"

"Love produces hope. If we, in our misery, are absolutely persuaded of God's love, we will be confident that He will deliver us. Therefore, we hope in Him. We can wait as long as it takes, because we are sure that He hears us and loves us. He will come. He will deliver...God's love inspires both an eagerness to be with Him and a confidence that He is true to His Word, so we know that He will come."

out of the depths i cry to you, O LORD;

O Lord, hear my voice.

let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy.

if You, O LORD, kept a record of sins,

O Lord, who could stand?

But with You there is forgiveness;

therefore You are feared.

i wait for the LORD, my soul waits,

and in HIs Word i put my hope.

my soul waits for the Lord

more than the watchmen wait for the morning,

more than the watchmen wait for the morning.

O Israel, put your hope in the LORD,

for with the LORD is unfailing love

and with Him is full redemption.

He Himself will redeem Israel from all their sins.

words i've heard before, but no less true

2010-03-24T16:26:00.000-07:00

and You said, "I know that this will hurt, but if I don't break your heart, things will just get worse. when the burden seems too much to bear, remember: the end will justify the pain it took to get us there."

reach out to me, and make my heart brand new.

every beat will beat for You. for You.

and i know You know You've touched my life

and when You touched my heavy heart,

You made it light.

2010-03-23T22:44:00.000-07:00

and though i've said them a thousand times,

i know He never will reject me when i cry out these words

for the thousand-and-one --

in the chaos; in confusion, i know You're sovereign, still

in the moment of my weakness, You give me grace to do Your will

so when You call, i won't delay

this my song for all my days

there is no one else for me,

none but Jesus

crucified to set me free,

now i live to bring Him praise

(i'm Yours, and You are mine)

all my delight is in You, Lord

all of my hope, all of my strength

all my delight is in You, Lord

forevermore

2010-03-19T13:59:00.001-07:00

this morning i woke up with this overwhelming fear of love and i'm not sure if i can resurrect you

2010-03-17T18:03:00.000-07:00

oh God

my God

show me what to do with my heart,

because nothing makes sense anymore.

thank you.

2010-03-16T11:41:00.000-07:00

that was more needed than i even realized.

and now...

"Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

(Hebrews 12)

...and you're not the exception.

2010-02-22T13:29:00.000-08:00

“The person who calls himself a Christian, who says he loves God, yet does not seek His company and delight in it, can’t be a true lover of God… if he doesn’t daily give his heart to God and receive God’s heart in return, if he doesn’t daily renew his hatred of his own sin and his delight in God’s mercy, he has no relationship to God…if there is no private communication between you and Jesus—frequent and deep communion—then your religion is worthless. You’ve lost your first love.”

- Kris Lundgaard

old/new/now

2010-02-07T22:24:00.000-08:00

and now, i find it an even more needed reminder for my life today than it was a month ago.

(i probably knew it would be. that's probably why i wrote it down.)

_________

By what means?

Because Christ is the only One who has the ability and power and means to bring that joy about. His love is perfect. Therefore, I would be on a futile, aimless and depressing search were I to try and find a love from others to fulfill in my heart what only the Son of God is able to do. Yet, when this truth takes reign over my soul, and Christ has His rightful place on the throne of my desires and affections, my selfish expectations and demands of others to meet my cravings love will be incredibly less, if not vanished completely. It is then and only then, as previously stated, that i may give love - the true kind of love - freely to others, as it cannot help but generously overflow from the cup that I have in the love of my Savior. Furthermore, any love that I may receive from another, in whatever form, is simply accepted with gratitude and humility, no matter how flawed, common, or seemingly insignificant;

I already posses all the love my heart could ever need in the complete, perfect, and unending love of my Lord.

2010-02-03T01:43:00.000-08:00

you're right, i'm not sleeping tonight

and maybe i won't for weeks

but i don't care anymore, because

soon, i'll be done here

no more homework or exams or class

and i'll go back to my hometown

where i came from before you changed

everything, and made me who i am

today; and maybe when i leave, i'll

never, ever come back - or maybe

i'll erase all the memories i stored

up in my brain with the thought that

i may need them for another time;

when i'm feeling lonely or just nostalgic

and i just might (maybe possibly)

forget this place ever existed, throw

all those three years away, but not

that which grew my soul and mind, no

the only thing which needs the

sentence of murder is those images

and thoughts of times when i

held the world close to my heart

in place of Christ, or the times

when i'd rather keep the silly

fool's gold on my hands than

treasure the precious stone

offered to me freely; and maybe,

just maybe, i'll do away with

all those thoughts, birthed by

the silly songs and stories i've

known, whispering to me silent

promises, keeping me

white-knuckled tight to the

thought, wrapped up and tied to

all the false hopes i cherished

telling myself that it's possible

for love to look so good.

but soon i'll be home,

and i will keep those

false hopes

here

far

away from me.

2010-02-01T01:27:00.001-08:00

is it too late?

well it's true

2010-01-27T20:37:00.000-08:00

i've seen the best and worst of you, but we're sticking through, because without all of the ups and downs we've been through - you know that it's true - that i could really get sick and tired of you.

(sad enough to say, that alone i could barely light a match --

but together we can burn this place down.)

that thing

2010-01-11T01:40:00.000-08:00

that little virtual button which was pushed about an hour and a half ago

i almost feel as if it were the same as pressing the big green "GO" button to release rapid fire on myself the second i get back to school (or possibly beforehand)

from a squad of confused, angry, hurt, gossiping, whispering soldiers

some who used to call themselves friends

some who just like to get in the know about that sort of thing

some who don't care and just want to get on with it

and i don't know how to handle it --

something that feels so wonderful and deadly at the same time

something so simultaneously joyful, precious, sincere

which makes me so worried, anxious, concerned

...but about what?

other people's opinions?

(or about pleasing the Lord?)

--dang it, megan. you're such an idiot sometimes.

right now

2010-01-07T17:10:00.000-08:00

my mind won't stop yelling at me.

i need to sell more things on ebay/half.com/amazon

i need to go through my binders and clean them out

i need to (continue to) loose weight

i need to not overdose on advil

i need to take those clothes to luna blu

i need to learn this song i'm supposed to sing in a coupleish hours

i need to take a shower and get dressed

i need to eat something

i need to do the above three things before i leave to go meet with danielle at six-thirty

i (still) need to call tess, jess, dom, and leslie before i leave in a week to go back to school

i don't want to go back to school...

i need to get over myself and my pride and my fear and my worry (and just change my facebook already)

i need to pray for more people, more often

i need to be less selfish

i need to love him better

i need to love everyone better

i need to spend time with my savior

because

the only One that's never left me has carried me so very far.

and yes i still believe in You

2010-01-01T11:42:00.000-08:00

"however, to the man who does not work but trusts God who justifies the wicked, his faith is credited to him as righteousness."

(romans 4:5)

i cannot work to be righteous.

i cannot earn my salvation.

i cannot do enough good to ensure my place in heaven or be right in God's eyes.

my good deeds, spiritual conversations, moral standards and strong convictions mean nothing

(absolutely nothing)

(worthless)

(rubbish)

(crap)

if my heart does not belong to Him,

if i have no faith in Him,

if i do not trust Him,

if i don't love Him.

i don't need to try and make this sound deeper or more profound than it is.

it's not.

it doesn't need to be.

i don't need to try and impress you.

i just want to love my Lord.

(may i love You more this year than i did in years previous and less than i will in years to come)

alright

2009-12-30T01:03:00.001-08:00

this is going to be

a lot more difficult

than i originally

thought.

oh but Lord, i know. how can You refine me if everything is always easy/going my way?

Your purpose is so much greater and reaches to the most hideous and hidden corners of my heart. and that is what i want. clean me up, renew me again. make me like You. i want to learn to love. i want to bring You glory.

thank you for bearing with me through this.

can i just say

2009-12-12T02:26:00.001-08:00

life feels full again.

2009-12-10T22:49:00.000-08:00

distance your heart

let it grow cold

(or just indifferent)

then you won't hurt anymore.

the Lord is faithful

2009-12-07T11:36:00.000-08:00

and He answers prayers...

(i don't think you understand how much those ten minutes or so just made my day.)

okay. backtoworknow.

even still

2009-12-02T12:15:00.000-08:00

(psalms)

(9:9-10)

the Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed,

a stronghold in times of trouble.

and those who know Your name put their trust in You,

for You, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You.

(16:1-2)

preserve me, O God, for in You i take refuge.

i say to the Lord,

"You are my Lord, i have no good apart from You."

(51:17)

the sacrifices of God are a broken and contrite spirit;

a broken and contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.

(56:10-13)

in God, Whose Word i praise,

in the Lord, Whose Word i praise,

in God i trust; i shall not be afraid

what can man do to me?

i must perform my vows to You, O God;

i will render thank offerings to You.

for You have delivered my soul from death,

yes, my feet from falling

that i may walk before God in the light of life.

done? i wish.

2009-11-19T19:40:00.000-08:00

i have written exactly 38 pages of essays and term papers this week

not to mention 6 pages of regular typed-out worksheets

i've been in my room more than i've been outside

and slept less than i have in a long time

i never eat with people anymore

i'm tired all the time

but i'm alright.

now i'm done,

but only for today

because come tuesday, of course

i have another 20 page paper to turn in

which i have yet to start (i can't think right now)

so i guess that's what my weekend will be filled with, again

my friends never ask me to do things with them anymore, anyway.

i don't need deep words to worship You; this is my heart's cry tonight.

2009-11-16T22:10:00.000-08:00

Jesus, i pray, take all my mistakes.

throw them away; destroy them for my sake.

Jesus, i call out 'cause i'm sorry,

because i fall so short of Your glory.

(to the best of my ability, i'm practicing humility

and i lay myself before, because less is more)

all that i have, i lay before;

with my pride on the floor,

'cause to You, less is more.

i pour out myself; all that i am.

You love me so much, that You fill me again.

and may these words of my heart on my lips

somehow mean so much more than this.

(Jesus, i pray; know what i'm trying to say...)

all that i am, i lay before;

with my pride on the floor,

'cause to You, less is more.

i pour out myself before You, oh Lord;

i hold nothing back, 'cause to You, less is more.

and may these words of my heart on my lips

somehow mean so much ore than this.

(Jesus, i pray; just know what i'm trying to say)

Jesus, i plead, please purify me.

make my heart clean; drench me with Your mercy.

Jesus, i pray; i love You, i need You.

for the rest of my days, i swear i will seek You.

(to the best of my ability, i'm practicing humility,

and i lay myself before, because less is more.)

You are

2009-11-16T02:34:00.000-08:00

making sense of the mess that is my life.

and i'm so excited to see what that looks like.

(someday.)

psalm 34.

tuesday, september 5th, 2006

2009-11-12T17:46:00.001-08:00

i just found this in my old jesusy-blog archives.

i think i wrote it and never posted it, or wrote it and posted it on my old myspace which i then deleted when i was convicted about spending too much time on there.

...regardless.

this is why i switched to a biblical counseling major in the first place. this is why i should enjoy writing papers like the one i'm supposed to be writing right now. but i don't anymore. i am tired of doing this because i'm required to. i miss writing about the Word because i am just.that.excited, thankful, joyful, and overwhelmed at how good the Lord is to me. but here i sit, ten more pages to go, and i found this as i was looking for an excerpt i could take and put in my "personal application" section. i'm sick of theology for the sake of theology. i want to know my Jesus again like i did when i was eighteen, before i came to master's, before i knew how to define "the sufficiency of scripture", before i knew what calvinism was, before i knew how to write papers like this and answer everything right and talk about how God is so great without even feeling an ounce of change in my heart.

i fear myself becoming jaded, and i don't want to do any of this anymore. i want to go back to monterey and spend time with high school girls helping them apply the bible to their lives and showing them the love of Christ with mine. i want to talk to them about how real Jesus is, how the love of God transform lives, how He is so much more worthy of our time and attention than anything else ---

but i sit here, frustrated, exhausted, with a headache and an empty stomach, trying to finish this paper so i can graduate.

Lord, help me to do this because i love You.

give me a passion and fire for Your Word like i had three years ago.

thank You for reminding me of the fact that the Bible is true and real and living and active, regardless of how old i am, where i live, or how close to You i feel at the time. thank You for reminding me of truth. Your Word is truth. let me speak (and write) of it with joy and thankfulness.

__________________________

9/5/06

God has been showing me, more and more lately, the important reality that I NEED the Word in my life. How can I call myself Christian – a true follower of Christ – unless I KNOW His words… unless I MAKE them a priority, if I desire to be like Jesus? The desire will come out in my actions. My actions can’t get to a place of emulating Christ unless I am spending time with Him, hearing from Him. My prayer needs to be, and is, that my desire would become strong for His word, and it would show in my actions. Not just in the way that I act, but in the priority I place in being in the Word. Do I really believe that His words bring life? That they are my daily bread; that I honestly need them to survive? This week, I have seen that it is actually true… as much as I try to convince myself that I am fine without them. Oh sure, I can physically live without the Bible… but eventually, I know that a few months down the road, I will not be at a place spiritually that I want to be. However, what God has been showing me lately is that every day I think that my agenda is more important than God’s, and I fail (or don’t even try) to make time for His Word… that I am that much more focused on myself, my wants, rather than on God’s… and Satan gets an opportunity to get in there, and convince me, that I’m okay.

I’m not.

The other day at church, our youth pastor was talking about how important it is to show others love, put them first, and have humility. He wanted us to commit to doing two things that would bless someone. Well, that is great, and loving others should be a natural fruit of living a Christian life… but we can only grow in that fruit of love and humility by abiding in the vine. By being in the Word. We cannot bear the fruit of the Spirit by our own mere motivation. It’s the fruit of the SPIRIT – NOT the fruit of “Megan”.

It’s so clear in scripture:

“Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine, you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me, you can do nothing…”

This is straight from the mouth of Jesus – not something I just came up with to sound intelligent!

God MUST want us to understand this – he repeats it almost three times in these verses. “REMAIN IN ME. REMAIN IN THE VINE. REMAIN IN MY WORDS.” They all go hand in hand, you cannot do one without the other. It is so true, and this verse makes it clear: The best way for me to show love to my friends and family, is to make it a PRIORITY for me to be in the Word. The more I read the Bible, the more my mind and heart is given the opportunity to be transformed to be like God’s. And His mind, and heart, is for others.

“If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.” John 15: (emphasis mine).

Does this mean, that if we keep reading the Bible, that we will get whatever we want when we pray for it? Um, I think the obvious answer is no. But then why would Jesus say something like this? Does this mean He wasn’t being sincere? Of course not! The answer is simple, but takes a lifetime to truly grasp: If we remain in God’s Word, the things that we ask for will not be out of selfishness, but out of love! It can’t be done any other way. On my own, with my own me-focused heart, I will NOT be prone to asking for God’s will.

But, if I am constantly reading, meditating on, praying through the words of God – my will, will start to be transformed to His.

(I just have to point this out here, how amazing it is in the way that scripture works together: “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world (which tells you to only look out for yourself; that everything is about your wants, needs, and desires; that YOU decide what is right and wrong…) but be transformed by the renewing of your minds. Then your will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – His good, pleasing, and perfect will.” Romans 12:2, emphasis and parenthesis, mine.)

There is no other way for our mind to be renewed than by scripture. By God-breathed, Holy-spirit inspired, straight-out-of-the-mouth-of-Jesus words. There is nothing here on earth that can benefit us, the others around us, and matter more for eternity than to find out what our Heavenly Father wants for our lives by spending time reading His words…

I have so much more to say on this, but I will put the rest in another blog, since its so long already. Hey... if you know me, I write a lot. :D and I don’t even know how all this came about. I was just looking for this one verse, kept reading, and God was like “BAM, I have something to show you.” And I just started writing, and kept writing, and getting excited, and therefore, I just decided to share it with anyone who is reading this. To say the least, I was pretty surprised and eager to get this out. Now, I need to pray that I will allow God to let this sink into my own life to where I don’t even have to think to myself the stupidest question of all time: “let’s see. The bible, or myspace?”

Pfft. :D

________________________________

(praise the Lord for the days when i didn't care about being cheesy or taking myself too seriously...)

2009-11-12T13:26:00.000-08:00

my hope is built on nothing less
than Jesus’ blood and righteousness;
i dare not trust the sweetest frame,
but wholly lean on Jesus’ name.
on Christ the solid Rock, I stand,
all other ground is sinking sand;
all other ground is sinking sand.
when darkness veils His lovely face,
i rest on His unchanging grace;
in every high and stormy gale,
my anchor holds within the veil.
His oath, His covenant, His blood
support me in the whelming flood;
when all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my hope and stay.
on Christ the solid Rock, I stand,
all other ground is sinking sand;
all other ground is sinking sand.

when He shall come with trumpet sound,
oh, may I then in Him be found;
dressed in His righteousness alone,
faultless to stand before the throne.

in the words of stuart scott:

2009-11-11T11:04:00.000-08:00

"When someone is humble they are focused on God and others, not self. Even their focus on others is out of a desire to love and glorify God. They have no need to be recognized or approved. There is no competition with God or others. They have no need to elevate self, knowing that they have been forgiven and that God's love has been undeservedly and irrevocably set on them. Instead, a humble person's goal is to elevate God and encourage others. In short, they 'no longer live for themselves but for Him who died and rose again on their behalf' (2 Cor. 5:15)."

of course the Lord would use the little booklet i'm reading for class and my life verse to convict me.

i have so much to repent of today.

Lord, forgive the cliche, but please--

please... be my everything.

fifteen page paper?

2009-11-09T20:21:00.001-08:00

baaaahhh.

my heart is overwhelmed, i just want to spend time with the Lord.

i cannot tell you the joy i feel right now.

it doesn't make sense.

it shouldn't make sense.

but it's there, and i love it, and i cherish it.

(even though i will be up all night.)

the very last thing i want to do right now

2009-11-08T15:04:00.000-08:00

(after spending the last 72 hours of my life the way i did)

is write a fifteen page paper on the sufficiency of scripture

for my theological basis of biblical counseling class

yeah.

...and it's not going to get any easier.

2009-11-02T23:52:00.000-08:00

i love//am so thankful for

(as frustrating as it may be sometimes)

sanctification

the Holy Spirit

the body of Christ

the ability to love

as He does

as wretched

and wicked

and worthless

as we are.

hey, me too:

2009-11-02T00:30:00.000-08:00

"It feels good to be hanging onto God with my last two fingers. It's stressful and difficult and humiliating, but it's good, because it's right. Without Him I'd have let go by now. I'd be falling through space and time, flailing around helplessly. I know that... True, they're my last two fingers. But at least I have something to hold onto that's not going anywhere and will in no case let me hit the ground. And those fingers haven't lost their grip one bit.

I guess it's all Hope. It's really important to me right now. And the fact that I get to have it blows my mind each day."

i couldn't have said it better, really.

in Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light

my strength

my song

this Cornerstone, this solid ground
firm through the fiercest drought and storm
what heights of love!

what depths of peace!
when fears are stilled

when strivings cease
my Comforter, my all in all

here in the love of Christ i stand.

tonight

2009-10-31T22:25:00.000-07:00

i looked through it all once more

(a couple times)

"it's Yours, Lord"

(i'm Yours, too)

then i let it go.

i'm going to be doing a lot of that lately, i think

and it actually hurts, still

less than i expected it to

but more than i wanted it to.

but i can't think about that now.

i have to go do homework with a girl in another room

and put emotions aside, get serious again

i feel like throwing up the burrito i ate two hours ago

(i probably shouldn't have done so in the first place)

and honestly, as much as i love

these girls/my school/professors/major/location

i want to leave here, so badly

i want to be done

i miss my family

and i want to start over

again.

done.

2009-10-26T11:19:00.001-07:00

dear Jesus,

it's all Yours.

i'm all Yours.

please hold me.

2009-10-22T10:01:00.000-07:00

oh, how many times have i broken Your heart?
but still You forgive, if only i ask
and how many times have You heard me pray,
"draw near to me"?

everything i need is You;
my beginning, my forever.
everything i need is You

is You

2009-10-20T11:27:00.000-07:00

this week the trend was to not wake up till three pm (i picked the few conscious hours that i chose to spend and slept away the rest of them) and this week the trend was to crash and burn and then return again; to practice the life that i pretend provides enough to get me through the week(end)

so i say, "get me a solution, and watch me run with it" and then You gave- You gave me a solution; what have i done with it?

(cause i was absolutely sure i had it all figured out way back then)

and now it's this minute, this hour, this day and this week the trend was to backstab every single one of my friends and leave a voicemail message trying to make amends all the while hoping things work out in the end

and this week the trend was to borrow all the strength that You could lend to keep my head above the water and not descend back to where i said i'd never go again

so i say, "get me a solution, and watch me run with it" and then You gave - You gave me a solution; what have i done with it?

(cause i was absolutely sure i had it all figured out way back then)

but after this day it's this week all over again

AND I JUST WANT TO GET MUGGED AT KNIFEPOINT TO GET CUT ENOUGH TO WAKE ME UP because i know that i don't want to die sitting around watching my life go by and what we take from this is what we'll get and we haven't quite figured it out just yet because all of us are all too stuck strapped to a chair watching our lives blow up

2009-10-18T16:32:00.000-07:00

my heart feels so empty.

like i'm not where i should be

but i know that's not the case

because this is where i am

and where i will be for a while

so i can't change what He's made clear

but so many things are changing around me

and i think if i run, they will stop

i want to be in montery

i want to be in israel

i want to be in jackson hole

(ijustwanttobeinheaven)

because the very minute i'm so sure of something

they don't feel so sure anymore

and the person on the phone says it will get better

and the person in my ear says it never will

and he doesn't feel the same way

and she doesn't even know the first of it

and we all see it from different perspectives

and wisdom doesn't mean anything when you're only hearing what you want to hear

and advice is worthless when biases creep in like maggots

ruining anything and everything pure

oh JESUS i want to run away

but i can't escape my own heart

in monterey, santa clarita or wyoming

i am still the same person

wanting all the same things

in need of the same Savior

fighting the same battle

but i can't fight

with my own hands and heart

i am weak and my flesh becomes bloody and bruised

when i run out into battle with my prideful self-will

only to come back beaten and and broken

i want to fall at Your feet

and say "never again"

but how can i allow my lips to speak

words which i know are lies?

thank You for looking to the motives of my heart,

not the actions which i so miserably perform

something that both scares me and comforts me

within the same thirty seconds

oh Jesus, my heart is screaming

"i can't do this"

but i don't even know what "this" is

i'm tired of crying alone in my room on sunday afternoons

but i guess i'm so blinded by my selfishness

that i can't even see what my hands are doing past my arms

(and trust me, it's nothing worth seeing)

so let's call a spade a spade

a promise, a promise

and a sin, a sin

and this sin

is that same vice

which has been making me miserable since my freshman year of high school

in which i knew i was either choosing to do the will of Christ

or the will of the devil

because he doesn't come with a red horned-faced suit

a pointy tail and a pitchfork

he is beautiful, and dazzles my eyes with beautiful things

beautiful words, charms and dreams

because all he has to do to get me on the path to eternal hell

is to get me to deny the truth and love my sin more than Him

and that sin is

simply, only, completely

that i love everything else in this world

more than i love You.

somethinglikelaughter

2009-10-17T08:48:00.001-07:00

people say they know a girl whose lost her way; she's always angry

no one bothers to ask her what she hears or what she hopes for

the air is cold, she lives alone and tires of being her only provider

she can't fathom grace tonight; no not tonight, it's not an option.

searching for more than mere tastes of living water

tired eyes tend to wander; seek the Light

create in her a sense of awe that sees Your beauty

let Your splendor flash with blinding light

cities slowly suffocate; what once was bright is now moth-eaten

as young girls filled with thoughts that once were fresh, now worn and beaten

clutching pity like a prize to her side, her fingers grow weary

"He cares so much for sparrows, won't He toss something out my way?

searching for more than mere lies disguised as dogma

tired eyes tend to wander; seek the Light

create in her a sense of awe that sees Your beauty

let Your splendor flash with blinding light

standing tall, all the aspen trees drink water

as rain falls down like laughter from the sky

nothingelsetosay

2009-10-14T23:29:00.000-07:00

oh hello october. i thought i'd be better by now, too

2009-10-01T19:23:00.000-07:00

i don't actually know how i'm going to get through these next twenty-four hours.

and then the next seven days after that.

only by the grace of God, i know.

(friend, thank you for your words which impacted me so.)

but my nose is running and my head hurts, and four hours of sleep spread out between 24 hours is just not good; not good at all.

and i am so passive about everything i probably should be more aggressive towards, or at least, care more about,

and so easily frustrated and annoyed at things and people i usually wouldn't give second thought to.

and i really want to know what happened to that snake.

for some reason i am kind of worried that he just died in the box.

i hope to God someone let him back outside. i hope he didn't get thrown away in the trash. or abused by stupid boys. i keep having all these horrid daydreams about this cute little garter snake suffering a miserable death. it's a snake, for crying out loud, i know. but it honestly makes me emotional thinking about it. that if he died, i somehow contributed to his death. and that makes me so very upset.

i should have just let him go.

but i guess it doesn't matter.

(or shouldn't matter.)

another long night is ahead of me. laundry, packing, five foundations of science video lectures, a short paper, and a preliminary outline, as well as mix cd's i've been making for tiffany since march, need to be completed before 2:30pm tomorrow.

because i take an exam at 3.

and we leave at 4.

oh Lord, this is all for You. accomplish what You will. even with our weak bodies and tired minds.

i am so blessed by this group of students going with us. like, seriously. i'm not worried about them at all. i just want to be a good leader that rejoices in all things, and reflects the love and joy of Christ, regardless of stresses and circumstances around me. i guess the only way to get here, though, is to get out of my own head and start the renewal process on His terms:

"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me -- practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."

philippians 4:4-9

it's interesting that i can interpret this verse in so many ways to fit my own agenda. i can even try to fit in worldly, self-indulgent things into the categories mentioned above, because of the way i personally define terms such as "honorable, pure, lovely, commendable, of excellence" - but i must remember that it is God who defines these terms, not me.

but what does the Lord deem as true? honorable? just? pure? lovely? commendable? of excellence?

the only way i can ever attempt to try to answer this question is to start thinking about life and sin and myself and the world and others and everything the way that the Lord does. and the only way i can ever attempt to do this is... well, that's much more simple. but i fight it. every.single.day.

i need His Words in my head.

because if they're not

then

you know

and i know

and everyone (should)

know

that SOMETHING

else

will

be there.

whether it be songs, poems, my own biased opinions, the opinions of others, the words of others, the worries of the day, the forever-growing mental to-do list, the daydreams of how i want my life to be and look like and all the things i want to have... i'm going to fill my head with something. and my mind, compared to most, thinks A LOT. (contemplate about how fast i can sometimes spit out words. my mind goes nearly twice as fast. that's also two times the possibility for me to sin in my mind compared to my speech. really.)

i honestly believe that thoughts are never amoral. seriously. sure, a thought may not be outright sin or outright righteousness, but it is either moving us closer to a lifestyle which feeds our own wants, desires, agendas, etc., or feeds the desires, wants, and agendas of the Holy Spirit. the things we choose to contemplate on and focus our minds around (which in scripture is also synonymous for the heart, in many cases) is what will guide the decisions we make and the next thing we do in our day. our thinking is what determines our life. and sure, our heart determines our thinking. so it has to start there. and what is it that has the ability to change my heart? my relationship with Christ is sure; i know this. but what goes beyond that? it is my thoughts, attitudes, motives, the things i think about between classes and the conversations i pick up in the halls. i'm not trying to sound like joe keller, but give him a break. he has a point to what he says in this. my life is not meant to be divided into the secular and the sacred. and i'm tired of it all too often being so.

i want my heart to be pure. i want my thoughts to be on what God deems beautiful. i want my actions to live out who i really am - a servant of the MostHighGod. but i can't do this on my own. it is the age-old story of my life. if you were to go back and read my blogs from my xanga when i was 15 and 16 years old, you'd find the same thing. same pattern. same struggles, taking different forms. and written about in much sloppier english. but i am still so selfish. i need Him so, so badly. and i am so thankful that He chooses to use me anyway, despite all that i am.

(thoughts from a day of skipped classes, no sleep, headaches, and isolation my room)

no, really. watch this.

2009-09-30T11:08:00.001-07:00

this girl is on my wing this year.

i have no idea why she is at master's; her name shows up on the drop-down box of both google and youtube search engines.

she loves God like no one i've ever seen.

and while i don't listen to kanye west, alicia keys, or TI,

this poem, or whatever it is, convicted me like none other.

my word.

God has an interesting way of brining things to light in my life.

and i pray He will continue to do so. with you as well, my friends.

friend:

2009-09-29T01:26:00.001-07:00

i am genuinely encouraged by you tonight and your love for the Lord, so much that you could care less about what other people (including those you have invested much of your time here with) say about you. i am convicted by your dedication to your ministry, regardless of the other things happening around you that may seem "cooler" or easier to do at the time. i am challenged by your persistent pursuance of others who are much different than yourself, because you know that is what God has called you to do, specifically in this season of life, but even continuing into our lives away from Master's, as we know that the church is not full of cool or fun or easy people to get along with, but that we are called to love them, and invest in them, regardless. yes, that was a run-on sentence. no, i do not care. i want to care about the body of Christ because they are my brothers and sisters in the Lord, not because they make me laugh or like the same music as me. because it reality, we share the most important thing in common that is ever known to man; we have the same common goal, desire, all driving-force:

to make Christ the very purpose of our lives.

i want to be more this way. thank you for being an example, as much as you think you're not.

okay, goodnight.

ain't this just like the present

2009-09-27T20:49:00.000-07:00

saturday, 9/26

woke up at 11:30 am

watched youtube videos in my room (by myself)

ate tuna and crackers at 1:30 pm

sitting on the dirty floor

lauren came in

"it smells like fish"

she left soon after.

i left shortly, too

2:30 pm, or something

went to panera bread

did some homework plus

some renewing of the mind.

5:00 pm, jackson hole meeting

in the cafeteria

first social interaction all day

it was only an hour.

6:00pm, hid in the practice rooms

to release and refresh (while)

procrastinating on homework

played some smiths songs

and casiotone, too

thought about my day

and almost got depressed

then realized it was almost nine

and that i was going to a show

that i felt i should have been

more excited for

in two hours

two hours later

sunday, 9/27

twelve am, midnight

i was in a car with

four people:

awkward, quiet.

loud, fun.

(not quite what i expected)

an hour in a car

the national on the speakers

and six (or seven)

restroom attempts later

finally, passing though the gate

of the hollywood forever cemetery

surrounded by death

at nearly one in the morning

to witness (and be a part of)

something that made me feel so alive

spread out blankets,

on the cold cold (and somewhat wet) ground

watched creation sprout from the earth

from a bright light projected on a white wall

heard some music that made me miss

things i didn't know i felt

drank a monster earlier;

stayed awake pretty easy

kristen stepped in a muddy hole

surprised it wasn't me

luckily she was wearing boots

which i was not so wise to do

then the snow started falling

and we went closer to feel it on our faces

oh, i felt it alright

and it was more beautiful than imagined

when i sat in my room

the day before

listening to my life

sung by a man

who i will never meet.

and so tonight,

after finishing something for a meeting that i am about to have

in thirty minutes

i realized

that i had, subsequently

lived through some of the most

inconsequential

somewhat miserable

lonely, slow, lazy, mundane

twelves hours of my life

that i will soon forget once i finish writing

this

followed by

a series of the most

profound, powerful

incredible, memorable

brilliant, beautiful

twelve hours

i that have ever experienced.

and that i will (probably) always remember

for the rest of this vapor-like life

until my body of a grave is laid down along with the rest

of the names and faces on the stones

that i walked by, all alive

so many times

and that

thought alone

made me want to write this

very post.

the productivity of a lack of sleep

2009-09-26T02:49:00.000-07:00

i (forsomereason)

stayed up until

lauren left for work

at four forty-five

this morning.

i do not have a logical explanation for this

but

here is what came of it.

or you can see it better, here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_2MyZOVvH8

polas that remind me of people

2009-09-26T02:26:00.000-07:00

just found this in my drafts today on 1/7/10, and decided to post it. finally.

this

2009-09-26T02:23:00.000-07:00

hard.

...philippians three.

i love the body of Christ

2009-09-24T20:47:00.000-07:00

and how i can meet someone

not knowing anything about them

but by the end of a couple hours

over sushi, then chai tea

(an interesting mix, i know)

feel like they understand me more than many of the friends that i share oh-so much in common with

because she has the same life goal as i:

to honor Christ as Lord

love Him more than myself

live for Him above all

to make Him my everything.

and oh, it sounds so cliche

since that's what we all want, of course

but, (no, wait)

really, sincerely --

do we?

do i?

i love being reminded of what i was created for.

and my hope is, friends,

that i can help remind you of that, too.

but TODAY

2009-09-23T01:12:00.001-07:00

i just want to hug everyone.

and talk about how good the Lord is.

(i'm exhausted; drained. emotional and thoughtful. i'm excited and apprehensive about the quickly upcoming months//weeks//days, and contemplative about the past. i've cried more and laughed harder in the last few weeks than i have in a long, long time. and i'm a female... what did you expect?)

i decided that i am going to pay t.j. five or ten or so dollars to draw me something to hang in my still-way-too-bleak-looking room. he stole my notebook tonight and started sketching, and came out with something i'd more expect to see on sweetman's blog than a piece of binder paper. (but i guess that's where much of creativity is honed?). anyway, he is getting really, really good. natalie, marcus and i all ended up semi-fighting over who would get to keep the drawing. marcus won, since it was much more of a masculine figure, and i decided that t.j. could just as easily draw me something closer to my personal taste than some random idea he just "had to get out of his head". not that what is in his head is by any means insufficient, but he was pretty excited at the idea of doing something "for commission" by request, as well. i am, too.

i think right now i just really don't feel like reading about the theology of christian counseling, making a forum post about the foundations of science, finishing something i have been making for a few days now, or, the thing i really need to do above all these: cleaning off my bed//cleaning up my room. yeah. every other day, it goes from looking like i am the biggest perfectionist to the sloppiest, laziest, "wow, i feel so bad for lauren" roommate ever, in a span of like, five minutes.

i am excited about tomorrow. tomorrow is wednesday. my easy day. last wednesday, i had chapel, did room checks, drove out to hollywood-ish area, worked for a lady for many more hours than expected, and then had coffee with peter, which led into the dinner hour, and after we visited kee-hyon at the church and jeremy at the house, we subsequently went to in and out. i honestly think that was the first time i had hung out with him just one-on-one since my junior year in high school, after we broke up. we continued to be alone a lot together initially after the break-up, as we were still committed to finishing our job at sacred heart fellowship doing the music worship together, but those were some of the hardest, most awkward times in my life. uhm, i guess until my sophomore year of college, that is.

however, those times, in high school i mean, were also some of the sweetest memories i have with my Lord. seriously. i cried nearly every day; i remember getting so excited the first time i didn't bawl my eyes out for a span of more than two days. i saw the Lord working in my heart like never before, and not at all because i knew the eventual outcome of my situation; i thought that peter breaking up with me was actually satan trying to ruin our wonderful, God-glorifying relationship that would someday lead into marriage. but i had no idea if i was right, of course. i guess i just knew i had nothing else. all my plans had been stripped away from me, and i only had two options: curse the Lord, run away from Him, blame Him for my unhappiness, because it isn't fair, or; run towards Him with everything i have and everything i am, because i have nothing left, and i have no one else. it was then that the Psalms became real to me:

"You are my Lord; apart from You i have no good thing" (16)

"the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (34)

"find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him" (62)

- my anthems.

the verses are still marked up in my pink and black checkered NIV bible, with semi-visible tear stains over the print. i finally knew Jesus as my lover, my comforter, my healer, my everything. He became real to me in a way that i had never known before, not even in my all-too-easily-glorified sophomore year of high school. i always knew that Jesus SHOULD be enough for me. and for a time, He was. that is, until he brought an amazing, godly, handsome, whatever-else-i-thought-at-the-time man into my life. then i thought, "this is what i've been missing, and i cannot live without him." so, he took him away.

just kidding.

that's not the only reason the Lord allowed that relationship to end. i will point out here, that i do not say, "allowed that relationship to fail." this is because, i do not believe it did so. someone might argue that all relationships that do not end in marriage fail, but i would like to challenge that notion. what is the definition of success? more so, what should be the definition of success for a Christian? from what i read in scripture, success is not measured by whether something has the outcome that we expected, desired, or makes sense - nor is it what others around us expect, desire, or makes sense to them. real, true success is measured by whether our decisions, actions, and reactions to the circumstances around us are filtered through a desire to honor the Lord or not. if we are all about our wants, our agendas, our personal plans and dreams, we can so easily forget the Lord. but, if we can pursue something and always be able to say as Christ demonstrated for us, "not as i will, but may Your will be done" - then, in whatever we do, we will succeed.

and once the Lord opened my eyes and revealed this to me, it was about same time that i was finally able to "let go" of peter. i realized that just because our relationship ended did not mean that it was a failure. if, in fact, we had done the best of our ability to honor the Lord in our relationship (in purity, speech, action, etc.), which i can confidently say that we did, what is it that i feared? God used this, then, to expose the real the heart of the issue: my fear of never getting married, never "finding someone" else, never having my dream life. etc.

so there it is. and the reality is plain and simple.

is my life about my desires, or God's desires for me?

is my life about my plans, or following God's plan for my life?

if my life about my life, or being an example of the life of my Redeemer, Jesus Christ, to everyone around me?

the answer is pretty obvious.

but every day i see myself failing to live this way.

and this -

this!

THIS, my friend

is why

our good, great, gracious God allows us to go through painful circumstances

awkward situations

heartbreaking trials

confusion and consequences

because He knows that we will not automatically live the way He intends us to.

the way we were created to.

He uses this to change us

to glorify Himself

to make us love Him more

which, in turn,

gives us more hope and peace

joy and purpose

than we would ever have experienced

had we gotten our own way in the first place.

and because of this truth, i can sit down with my ex-boyfriend, over four years later

and talk about what God has done - is doing in our lives

sympathize with one another about friends who have turned their backs on Him

encourage one another to persevere in the faith; to never loose sight of the call

and he can listen to me joyfully talk about the relationship the Lord has placed me in right now, at this time; all the while knowing in my heart that i do not need this relationship for my life to have meaning, purpose, or joy

and instead, it is because of the love of the Lord, for His glory, and His purpose that he has placed me where i am

and were this to ever change, as it did four years ago when i was seventeen,

then i will do the same as i did then, and cry out to my God

run to Him with all that i am

knowing that what i have on this earth, i do not need

but what i truly need, i will have for all of eternity

and oh, my God

because of this beautiful truth

i will sleep in peace tonight.

(psalm 4:7-8)

(i am still being sanctified)

2009-09-21T22:41:00.001-07:00

but for the first time

in a long time

i feel like punching something

really hard

or swearing

while yelling,

and then

punching something really

really hard.

or driving

far

away.

and he said to me --

2009-09-21T12:59:00.000-07:00

"it's beautiful to see your heart for Christ and i know we share that totally, but you have so much to offer the world and i feel like i have my path already set."

i do not have anything to offer more than anyone else.

especially not you.

"but you just see so much and feel so much"

that's true.

but it's all crazy, it's all false, it's all a dream.

but it is alright.

because it doesn't have to do with what i want or what you want or what anyone wants.

yes, it has to do with my heart.

and as i looked at the grape juice-filled communion cup, being held in the air between my thumb and index finger, my heart broke

and He asked me if my heart really belongs to Him -

(because if it doesn't, i have no business partaking in fellowship with Him)

and my tears fell into that plastic miniature cup as i cried out with no words:

"You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same"

and in that moment my sin became more evident than ever and the grace and love of Christ covered it more fully than i have ever let myself see in years

and while i don't know what tomorrow brings

or the next day

or where my life will be at the end of this,

because of His promises

i know one thing for certain:

He is changing my heart.

and that will not change.

my dreams will be ashes

2009-09-18T21:26:00.000-07:00

oh, i think of things so lovely and fun

and i imagine my life, were it to follow suit

of the pictures i've painted in my head for years:

an apartment in a two-story building; downtown LA

taking bus rides into cities we've only heard names of

or seen on the big screens

flying through midnight freeways when the only ones on the road are the successfully driven, the drunkards, and us

we take some kind of comfort in the blinding beams of the street lamps and traffic lights

(not to mention the sound of the train's horn)

we drift around the sidewalks, all high on our impulsive nature: the life of the vagabond sounds so audaciously appealing, so we spend the night on the corner near the library (where i first met my friends with the dog and bad hand-done tattoos)

we catch the first train we lay our eyes on

we run though the fields that have not yet been trodden

we spend nights under the blankets of stars (or sometimes in cars)

because, dear,

we're the heirs to the glimmering world. and we wear it in our cheeks.

so we wander

thriving on spontaneity, feeding our impulsive lusts with carefree talks of what might come

what might happen

what might kill us

or make us feel more alive than we've ever known

but then we will come back to our house

with polaroids and 35-mm prints lining the walls

tucked in wooden frames from thrift stores,

next to the window adorned with lace

and sit at the dining room table,

fresh cut flowers in a vase from my mother's house

and fresher coffee steaming in two cups

(but one is chipped from wear, of course)

and we'll talk about music

and laugh about movies

and we'll say all the things

we never got a chance to say

reminiscing for hours

about our adventures

(and we'll stay there long into the evening when the crickets play their harps and the cars sound louder on the streets)

and this is how we will live.

happily, fondly -- mistakenly

(as in the dream)

and all the while,

our thoughts are all our own

through every city

we ask what we shall do

in each back alley,

we'll take the risks

across the country

for our personal delight

the unplanned and unstructured life,

so romanced

and free

it's everything i want,

and everything you want

it's all that we've dreamt of

and talked about so long

it's what life is about

and the things we always said

and it has nothing

at all

to do

with

eternity.

and then

when we make

the pearly gates,

and stand before the Throne of splendor

my life will look like death

all the treasure i've stored up will engulf in flames

brilliant embers at my feet

my dreams will be ashes

and all those years

pleasant, precious, perfect, years

will gather into a magnificent heap of cinder on the floor

oh, GOD

my eyes want such fantastic things

and

just because they don't show up on the billboards doesn't mean they mean something

more than all the other things

we always say are such futile "things"

while i neglect the only Thing

that should be my Everything

and yeah, i have no words left

what a cop-out, i know

and i can't speak of truth

when my heart is so black

but i know where it's found

so i'll cry out to You:

be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart

naught be all else to me; save that Thou art

Thou my best thought, by day or by night

waking or sleeping, Thy presence: my light.

riches i heed not; nor man's empty praise

Thou mine inheritance, now and always

Thou and Thou only, first in my heart;

High King of Heaven: my treasure, Thou art.

High King of heaven, my victory won

may i reach heaven's joys; O bright heaven's Son!

Heart of my own heart, whatever befall:

still be my vision, O Ruler of all.

2009-09-18T14:07:00.001-07:00

i want to go to a park and lie under a tree and with leaves scattered around me i'll fall asleep in the shade

i love my rd

2009-09-08T11:08:00.000-07:00

"for me, a lot of it comes down to the sad fact that i honestly just want what i can't have. like, all the time. with everything. clothes, jobs, guys. and when i get what i want, i see it for what it is, and i'm like, 'this is what i wanted so badly? bummer.' and God shows me again that all i really cared about was not God's best, but my own sinful cravings, and desire for attention. it doesn't matter what it is. but that's a sin that plagues me wherever i go, with everything i interact with, and i have to purposefully guard against it or i will be sucked into that trap again and again."

she said something like that, something close to that affect, and i wanted to cry, and say,

"see there, that's it. oh God, i'm so sorry. that is me. that's the answer to everything."

but instead i just said, "yeah, i understand. i probably need to guard against that, too."

i don't understand myself sometimes

2009-09-08T10:32:00.001-07:00

"i'm trying to pull the daggers out of my heart, but death is unavoidable, dearest."

i don't know why, but this sentence suddenly evoked feelings of deep interest and appreciation, even though i disagreed with him about the point he was making.

my God, my God

2009-09-04T14:07:00.000-07:00

You'd better show me what You want soon because i'm so lost.

(i've only ever loved myself, but i've loved myself so well)

i need You. NOW.

2009-09-03T09:36:00.000-07:00

a friend told me not to look too deeply or introspectively at my sin.

because sometimes we get there, and that is all we can see -

so we stay there, focusing on guilt and self-loathing,

consequently,

sitting right in the center of satan's plan for us

(always, to focus on self, rather than the Savior)

i feel like my heart is empty but i have longings and dreams i've never known before

yet i don't know what's selfishness, and what's personal preference.

one thing i do know for certain, though:

the Lord God is a jealous Lover

He will not share my affections with any person or thing

He wants my desires for Him, and

right now, i cannot say that is the case.

so at this point in time, i know what i am to pursue

(and nothing else) --

intimacy with my Redeemer,

affection with my Father,

obedience to my Master,

devotion to my Savior.

Jesus Christ, You dry the tears,
You break my heart of stone
Your words are life -

cut marrow through the darkness, to the bone
a heart of flesh You gave me
only You can save me.

2009-08-31T23:59:00.000-07:00

death will give us back to God just like the setting sun is returned to the lonesome ocean.

sometimes i want that sooner than later.

but -

oh, my morning's coming back, the whole world's waking up
all the city buses swimming past i'm happy just because
i found out i am really no one

please dry, red eyes. all is not lost. all is gone, but not lost.

my hope is in the Lord alone, in Him is my strength and my salvation.

He only is my rock, i will not be greatly shaken.

or something like that.

she's memorizing that verse(s)

i think i should too.

ALL THE FITNESS HE REQUIRETH IS TO FEEL YOUR NEED FOR HIM

2009-08-30T13:13:00.000-07:00

and when i don't

when i am saturated by self-sufficiency

and blinded by my own mind

thinking that i know more about my life than You

then You will again show me my sin, and bring me back

(i am never satisfied in myself. i was not created for this. i am not my own.)

oh Lord i needed this.

You know i needed this.

sometimes i can't believe the words that come out of her mouth

and i want to have a heart that longs after you like she does

i need Thee every hour, and i want to live that way

i can make decisions because i have placed my life in your hands

therefore

i am no longer worried

i am no longer scared

i love being in dixon because it is the last place i want to be

and it is a magnificent feeling

knowing i am right where You want me

i didn't mean to make that rhyme but i don't even care, anymore.

(i just want my heart to be in the place you want it, too.)

i don't really feel anything right now, either, anymore

i'm tired of up and down emotions

and trying to trust myself with the decisions in my life

i just want the Truth.

i just want You.

and today is a good day because my God is in control.

abel

2009-08-30T03:49:00.000-07:00

well my mind's not right my mind's not right my mind's not right my mind's not right

awake

2009-08-28T03:01:00.000-07:00

i didn't have coffee tonight but i'm still as awake as you, my friend

my heart is restless and wild and my head is racing to keep up

i am excited to see your face tomorrow and curious as to what the day will bring

i'm apprehensive about this semester but will look ahead with confidence and joy

tonight was epic, in a looser sense of the word, but in many ways

i will be happy to share a room with you and then share our lives with others

sometimes i don't know what certain emotions mean

i don't know myself as well as i thought

scraps of newspaper and magazine clippings are all strewn across my bed

i am exhausted, but happy, and content

i just made something beautiful and i think i made someone smile.

unstable

2009-07-27T14:08:00.000-07:00

i should be excited; i should be optimistic.

i should be looking forward to this week,

thankful for the awesome people i get to hang out with, the rad opportunities God's given me, and the ways that He's using me. i should be at peace because of the beautiful fact that He provides for me.

but i'm not.

i'm burdened, upset, stressed, and just want this week to be over.

i'm sick of spirit west coast and it hasn't even started yet; i'm frustrated at all the little things happening around me that i didn't plan for, and even though i'm around a zillion people, the one person that i am missing more than anything is a few hundred miles away.

i'm a selfish brat, and God is making me more like Himself this week.

because that's what He does during weeks like these.

pray for me that i won't be so self-focused that i'll miss what He's doing.

i want to know Him more, and i want to use this ridiculous, intense, stressful week to let Him show me more of Himself.

because that's so much more beautiful than getting everything to go my way.

my utmost for his highest:

2009-07-16T00:12:00.000-07:00

july 13 --

"My vision of God is dependent upon the condition of my character. My character determines whether or not truth can be revealed to me. Before i can say, 'I saw the Lord', there must be something in my character that conforms to the likeness of God. Until I am born again and really begin to see the kingdom of God, I only see from the perspective of my own biases. What I need is God's surgical procedure--His use of external circumstances to bring about internal purification.

Your priorities must be God first, God second, and God third, until you life is continually face to face with God and no one else is taken into account whatsoever. Your prayer will then be, 'in all the world there is no one but You, dear God; there is no one but You.'"

amen.

i want You, Jesus.

in all i dream of and desire,

what i truly want is You.

I WILL NOT

2009-07-15T23:36:00.000-07:00

in years from now, say to the Lord:

"Lord, i wished i just trusted You then, as i see now what You were doing so clearly. if only i had remembered that You are in control, and You are loving, and You are making all things good in Your sight -- then, i would have had peace, and i would have not feared, and i would have been okay, even through the long nights and the tears. even through the emptiness and the pain."

i refuse to say

"if only i had trusted the Lord..."

i am, however, saying

"i choose to trust You, now."

i said the same thing four years ago, in may of two thousand and five, when my world came crashing down. my hopes. my dreams. my wishes and deepest desires that were good in the sight of the Lord. i knew He was not punishing me. i knew He was sovereign, i knew He was good. and yet i still trembled at the thought of losing something i held so dear to me.

and now, still knowing the sovereignty of the most High and most loving God, i weep on my dirty carpeted floor at the thought of losing something even more precious to me than when i was seventeen. someone i cannot with words describe all of my love, respect, gratitude, and affections for. he is my best friend; the person with whom i wanted to spend all the rest of my life.

but that person pales in comparison to the Person who is my everything.

the One who holds my future in His hands, and who understands all i feel (completely).

(the only One who knows me, yet still loves, completely).

and tonight my prayers go up to Him in song, and His praises echo in my heart

they may not be traditional, but they are my soul's cry

"i'm still waiting for You to be the One i'm waiting for"

(something tells me this is going to make sense. something tells me it's going to take patience.)

and while the temptation to scream the lyrics of number twelve are there, the God i serve is so much greater than mere emotion. and so instead, i cry:

let it all out, get it all out

rip it out, remove it

don't be alarmed when the world begins to bleed

cause we're so scared to find out what this life's all about

so scared we're going to lose it

(and knowing all along, that's exactly what we need)

and today i'll trust You with the confidence

of a man who's never known defeat

but tomorrow upon hearing what i did,

i will stare at You in disbelief

(oh, inconsistent me - crying out for consistency)

and You said, "i know that this will hurt,

but if I don't break your heart,

things will just get worse.

if the burden seems too much to bear,

remember,

the end will justify the pain it took to get us there."

and i'll let it be known

in times i have shown

the signs of all my weakness

but somewhere in me, there is strength

and You promised me

that You believed

in time i will defeat this

cause somewhere in me, there is strength

[and that strength is only from You, my God]

and today i'll trust You with the confidence

of a man who's never known defeat

and i'll try my best to just forget

that that man isn't me

and You said, "i know that this will hurt,

but if I don't break your heart,

things will just get worse.

if the burden seems too much to bear,

remember,

the end will justify the pain it took to get us there."

reach out to me, and make my heart brand new

every beat will beat for You

for You

and i know You know You've touched my life

and when You touched my heavy heart,

You made it light.

2009-07-13T23:21:00.000-07:00

i'm not who i should be right now.
but God is in the process of making me into that person
and to start, He is breaking me.

i know it for certain, now.

i haven't had the desire to read secular literature, find new artists, or talk about philospohy.

i just want to know Jesus.

that's all i'll ever have that i can hold onto, anyway.

He is the only One who is sure, Forever.

(i need to stop thinking anything else is forever. especially now.)

i have a foolish heart. but i forget that, sometimes. and i talk about the future and i think i have everything figured out. i think i am loved; wanted. i want to be needed by those whom i think i need. but the truth is, i don't need anyone. humans fail. words don't mean anything unless they come from the source of Truth. i trust way too easily in man. but blessed is he who trusts not in man, but in the Name of the Lord.

He is showing me what that means again, and i am so thankful.

though right now, all i want to do is cry and shake and scream--
He holds me, and catches my tears as i fall asleep.

part of me wants to go back to school: start the semester, the busyness, the ministries, and distract myself from hurt
and part of me wants to stay here: see where my church goes, be involved, watch it grow into the body of Christ, full of love and joy and hope

but it's not up to me; i can't plan my future.
thank You for reminding of that again.
i will live each day for You, take each step in Your cadence, and let You carry my lifeless body when i am weak and do not have enought motivation to move my limbs

You are so good to me.

in the quiet, in the stillness - i know that You are God
in the secret of Your presence, i know there i am restored
when You call, i won't refuse
each new day, again i'll choose

there is no one else for me, none but Jesus
crucified to set me free; now i live to bring Him praise

in the chaos, in confusion - i know You're sovreign, still
in the moment of my weakness, You give me grace to do Your will
so when You call, i won't dely
this my song for all my days:

there is no one else for me, none but Jesus
crucified to set me free; now i live to bring Him praise

(i'm Yours, and You are mine. i am Yours, and You are mine.
i'm Yours, and You are mine. i am Yours, Lord.)

all my delight is in You, Lord
all of my hope, all of my strength
all my delight is in You, Lord
forevermore

contradiction

2009-06-29T18:19:00.000-07:00

life is good, life is amazing, life is full

but i feel so distant from everything and everyone around me (even those i love who are not around me) save the nine girls i just had in my cabin two days ago, for six days previous to that, learning about God and love and life and how to survive as salt and light in this wicked world

but soon those memories will fade and i will keep them in the back of my head, able to recall only tiny glimpses of God's love pouring down and His truth invading those precious lives

and i dread the day when i can barely remember their names, hardly recognize their faces, and feel a sense of failure in something the Lord had given to me

but i know it is coming, because it has so many times before, and all i can do is try harder

we're fighting a lot lately and i don't know why

we're not as close as we once were and i don't know why

i feel loved, but alone

and music doesn't do what it once did; it now only recalls handfuls of memories, some i want to keep until i die and some i wish were gone forever

i recently read somewhere, "everyone is expendable."

is this truth or a mere opinion of someone who wants to avoid disappointment?

i can teach truth, sure--

oh, but Lord, help me live it out.

this is for lauren and diana.

2009-06-20T21:24:00.001-07:00

http://vodpod.com/watch/23657-aaron-weiss

i don't know how to upload videos, so this is all i have. but i posted this for a few reasons.

1. this song reminds me of you. obviously.

2. this song reminds me of you, and how the Lord opened your heart. it is so beautiful.

3. you are seeing them tonight, and i wish so badly i could be there also.

4. i miss you both and i hope you are doing well.

-megannn.

i don't mind

2009-06-13T02:01:00.000-07:00

that i haven't written in a long, long while.

i don't mind, because instead of sitting at a computer screen, typing, typing, i have been living.

talking, driving, working, serving, breathing, thinking, loving.

living --

and someday, someday soon, i will write of it all.

i envy others (in particular, some of those others close to me) who are able to do both without strain: live and write, live then write; live. write. live right.
but then again i guess some are just born into this; they can't not write - it naturally flows out of them and finds the right place on the page, the right language, the right phrases. they don't have to find the time to do something that they can't help but do out of necessity. like the artist, the songwriter, the sixteen year old boy who races cars and fixes cars and talks cars and loves cars and knows everything about cars, who also happens to be my brother.

anyway.

i do not believe i possess this indwelling possesion with writing; i must work at it, and make time, and try hard. but when i get lazy, and feel the warmth of my heater, i start to get sleepy: my mind gets foggy, my body listless, and i subsequently close my computer, shove it under my bed, and crawl beneath the warm duck-down comforter, sinking into the soft santcuary of sleep.

tonight, however, i downed a cappucino at nine pm.

so even the radiating blanket of heat from the electrical sandman behind me cannot lull me into a sound slumber. if i climb into bed, which i am planning on doing in the next fifteen minutes, it will be only because common sense beckons me with an eight am wake-up call. serve saturday, la mirada park. i've been emailing people all week about this event, and yet now i realize that i myself have no idea where this place is.

and i'm picking up a girl 40 minutes from my house to come with me.

a girl who i just met on thursday, already has my number, is not yet fifteen years old, yet has already been in and out of the drug/party scene, and is falling more in love with Christ daily. she lives with two people from our church who are not her real parents, as her mother is on drugs and her father comes in and out of her life. she has already emphasized that she wants to hang out with me. and i believe tomorrow is the first time of many. which basically means i will have the opportunity to informally disciple her. she is probably going to be in my cabin for hume, and she is one of the most amazing fourteen year old girls i have ever met.

a dear friend of mine seems to be in a similar situation i was in last summer. or, last march-ish. kind of. i'm trying not to jump to conclusions, and not assume that everyone is a selfish hopeless romantic who only wants what they can't have, but i do know that i will be able to understand her in ways others might not. i will be able to pray with her. comfort her. help her look at things from God's perspective, not what other people are saying; to fear and obey the Lord, not what everyone else around you is yelling at you to do. to stay true to her convictions and not give in when people give you a pity-story or a "end of the world" plea. to be wise and loving according to God's word, not others' definitions. it's a hard situation, but much growing comes with the most intense "wtf, God?" moments. He really is faithful. truly.

and so here i sit.

God, are you serious? i don't deserve this. i just got here. what in the world.

why haven't i learned, though?

whenever i say, "i can do this, i'll be great, i'm experienced, this is my deal" - God says, "no way. this is about Me, not you. forget it."

then, it's always the times when i plea:
"i can't do this"
or
"i'm not needed"
or
"i'll just sit this one out, God, you got enough people doing this already",
God says, "this is exactly what i want you to do. beacuse you have to trust Me - not your own abilities."

so, yep.

my boyfriend will be here come monday, though i still have yet to know what time. but already i am getting those fifth-grader secret crush butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it. i'm not even kidding. we have just started going through the book of acts together, and it's been amazing. last weekend was so precious, and i believe i am now even more aware of God's love, grace, and power because of it. i don't know what the future holds, but i do know who holds it. and that fact alone gives me reason enough to rejoice in everything, everything.

oh my. i am so unworthy to be called His. but i am. i am not fit to serve Him. but i do. and He delights in my smiles, my prayers; as a dear friend reminded me in one of her posts, He holds our tears. beautiful. not beacuse it sounds pretty, but because it is. true.

truth can hurt; truth can be painful, and raw, and sad for a time, but it depends on Who authors your truth. really. i don't trust myself to make my own truth. i believe the opposite of the great connor oberst, who sang with his haunting voice: "there is no truth, there is only you, and what you make the truth." there could be no sadder lie, my friends.

even though pain is real, suffering is real, loss is real and hurt and blood and events like tonight are real, stories like invisible monsters can be real, and devastating, and shocking. life can be lonely, and miserable, and empty, and hard. if life is real, then death is also real.

but what if you've found a way to defeat death? to escape the end? to live in hope? to know that every thread of pain, every drop of blood and every fallen tear are for a purpose far beyond this?

if i say yes, my life had better be about sharing this hope with everyone i meet. in any way possible.

if i am Yours, what do i have to fear?

there are so many that fear in this world.

oh, Defeater of Death and Lover of Mankind--
help me. to give. them. real. hope.

eyes are tired; body is alive--

2009-05-22T02:55:00.001-07:00

caffiene intake past eight pm is not a good idea

babysitting certain people's children makes me never want to procreate

my future home will be furnished and decorated mainly by thrift stores

theology, contemplating the arts, and human relationships makes my head spin

i have a terribly horrible habbit of never getting sleep the night before i have an exam

(but by God's grace, some kind of ability to usually do well, regardless)

yes. okay. goodnight.

(photo: adam howard)

double-standard?//idontcare

2009-05-20T16:17:00.000-07:00

i know i say i don't like contrived things, but...

i'm definitely planning on making memories in this dress.

(i know it is white. i know it is plain. but if you knew how it came about and were in my shoes, you would love it, too. i haven't even worn it outside of the store and i do believe it has already won my affection above all my other garments. it is a feast of joy every time i look at it and is a treasure to hold in my hands. not because of what it is but what it contains - like an old worn hankercheif your grandma wore constantly when she was your age, or a tattered, nearly falling apart handwritten note your beloved penned on binder paper... it doesn't matter what it looks like; it is the meaning infused within every square inch of its composition. that is what makes it precious. that is what makes the tears leak every time you remember its story.)

You have been the beauty in the song i sing
the fragrance of the rain

2009-05-19T13:58:00.000-07:00

it's two 'o clock your time; midnight mine
and i could die to have you here.

thisistoolong

2009-05-16T12:47:00.000-07:00

ever since i was a small, blonde-haired, pigtail-headed grammar school girl, i have said that "God is a big part of my life!" and exclaimed it with joy, knowing that it set me apart from my second grade peers. even when we still attended the mormon church, with its boring teachers and lifeless songs, i was able to say this. i knew i believed in God. i even "knew" (said) i loved him. but when we came out of the mormon church as my mother declared "this does not teach the word of God", i thought, "uh-oh" and followed her to our new home: shoreline community church. the difference here, though, is that Jesus is the way for me to get to heaven and i can't be good enough on my own, and even though i'm pretty good at looking like i have it all together, me and Jesus know that ain't the case. and so i understood. so i thought.

fast-forward now to eighth grade: where my classmates teased me for saying "oh my gosh" instead of the other, mocked me for not knowing the crude jokes on mad tv or understanding the sexual innuendos infused within every conversation. why, they'd ask me?
"God is the biggest part of my life, and i obey Him."
"BAHAHAHAHA."
tears.
i'd had it. i'd had enough. on my way home from school one day with my t-shirt drenched and my nose stuffed, serving as evidence for my horrible day, i declared to my mother:
"i don't want to go to carmel anymore. i want to go to monterey bay christian with heather and robyn and people who love God too. i hate this."

and my wise but caring mother, knowing that it was much more likely that i desired to go to place where i would not get teased rather than wanted solid fellowship (i honestly had no idea even what that was, yet), she said:
"megan, finish out the year. you're almost graduation. we'll look for a Christian highschool for next year. but you don't want to swtich schools right at the end, trust me. your'e almost done. God will get you through."

and she was right, because by the end of the year when everyone found out i was leaving, i didn't want to leave anymore (you get much sympathy from the ones who didn't care that you existed before when your'e now the one getting all the attention).
and when asked why?
"God is the biggest part of my life."
this i knew.
and so, though the tears once caused by these people were now flowing because i had to leave them, i found myself at calvary chapel high school my freshman year.

that year came as a shock.
i was no longer the innocent blonde girl who didn't understand anything regarding the world around me - i was the crazy girl who had (gasp!) went to a public middle school.
but other than that, i was just like every body else (at least it seemed).
christian? check.
christian parents? check.
christian music? check.
good grades? check.
happy most of the time? check.
don't swear? check.
don't drink, smoke, chew, or run with the ones that do? checkcheckcheckcheck.

suddenly, i wanted to be back in the place where i was different because God was the biggest part of my life. even though i got teased for it.
(thegrassisalwaysgreener...)

so i made my identity in something else - i started rebelling in the way i knew how:
stop being the innocent girl.

some of the checks on my list got erased, and i was happy about it. i started lying, hanging out with the wrong people, being much too physically involved with my boyfriend at the time, and yet i still thought i was fine.

"God is the biggest part of my life."

but i was miserable.

i wanted to go back.

so my mom said, okay. wait a year. if you still want to go back, you can.

since i said "God is the biggest part of my life"
i wanted it to be His decision.
so i prayed - barely - but i did pray.

"God, you are the biggest part of my life. show me where i should go. i can tell the ones who don't know you about you if i go back - but if i stay here, i'm just like everyone else. but show me what you want. amen."

he did.

he showed me where i'd been wrong.

but he didn't just show me where i should go to high school.

he showed me how i should live my life.

entering my sophomore year of highschool and following a series of life-shattering events for a fifteen year old, God broke me, picked me up, and held me in His hands nearly simultaneously. it was then that He showed me where i had gone wrong in my whole life. God does not want to be a part of my life. He does not want a big, or even the biggest part of my heart. He wants it all. and so my eyes were opened, my knees were bent. i stopped putting my idenity in what i said about God depending on those around me and my circumstances, and put my identity in God Himself.

as a result, i changed not only my thinking and phraseology, but my actions as well.
God was no longer a part of my life, a big part of my life, or even the biggest part of my life.
God was my life - and, on second thought - let me say, Christ.
Christ is my life.
understanding that both my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ are God, when i didn't have time to explain that to an inquisitive stranger, it made much more sense to say,
"i live for Jesus" rather than "i live for God" - as that is what my old friends back at the LDS church believed they could say, too.

now i knew better.

i still know better.

but here is the problem i have faced as of late:

i believe that i have slipped down back into the mediocre "God is a big part of my life" that i declared as an ignorant gradeschooler. i wear the badge of a biblical counseling major and know all of the Christian terms, but i think of God much more than i talk to Him.

i have the right answers about God, but i don't apply them to my life.

i know the priorities found in scritpure, but i don't let them affect me in the use of my time.

i believe i am a wretched sinner, but when i look at the world i still think:
"i am doing pretty well."

all too often, i want to look like the girls i see in hollywood more than i want to conform to the image of Christ.

because all too often, He is not my life.

and this is why i am miserable.

i have decided

2009-05-15T23:21:00.001-07:00

that when i "grow up"
and own my own house
with my own husband
with my own bedroom and walls and nights
that it must also come accompanied with
a fan: in the middle of the room
(on the ceiling)

--this is now a requirement.

so that when we turn
out the lights
and pull the darkness over our eyes
i will have the same familiar hum
i had growing up
at my grandma'shouse
her gigantuan spanish-style, terra-cotta-colored roof home in the middle of nowhere in clovis, california
which reminds me of the summer days and long nights and drives into the heat
eventually coming to find refuge in her castle-like abode

(the shaking fan directly above my feet which, to me, at eight years old could come crashing down and smother me any instant!)
which eventually became a sense of comfort for me
and
i have decided
that this will be carried with me
into my (soonerthanlater) future.

2009-05-14T19:58:00.001-07:00

i know i let on that i don't miss you.
i think fear that if i do, i am somehow showing weakness.
giving into emotion.
and that emotion will be too overwhelming when you leave.
i don't want to cling to you.
and i think it is this that i am running from.

running, far away - running like a madwoman from any possibility of my heart being intwined with another man whose body i am not also intwined with as one (with a ring on my finger and a bed of our own and pictures of memories lining the walls of our home)

i don't want to be there again, and yet --
i think i desire this kind of intimacy
(in the emotional sense)
more than i would like to admit.

i think i have a faulty view
(one that is more tainted by culture than scripture)
of what relationships are supposed to look like.

i'm sorry

2009-05-13T22:20:00.001-07:00

but tonight i didn't want to hear about numbers and facts and plans and planes and calendars (i just wanted to hear your heart).

can you blame me for that?

i caught a glimpse

2009-05-13T21:58:00.000-07:00

of myself in the mirror tonight
and it was odd -
like i was watching someone that wasn't me
sitting cross-legged on a bed that isn't mine
(truly, it isn't)
listening to music borrowed from another
and stealing a script in time where
the next expected scene takes:
someone sitting beside me
or maybe strwen across the floor
so comfortable and casual
so belonged and meant(tobe)

but that scene
--never came.
and i was alone
and have been
in the same room
for the last three hours
ever since.

EDIT://PROOF

(this picture was taken the same night i wrote this.
either directly before, or after.
i forget which.)

this song

2009-05-12T23:41:00.000-07:00

is beautiful in more ways than one.

and it reminds me of someone i know.
(or used to know?)

(past+present, not all of it is relevant now. she is alive.)

she's a song unsung, she's the wild orchid in your ugly swamp. she's a song unsung and the only white walls of her mind know what that song sounds like. the pills, the pills, and the doctor's promises just ain't doing the trick, cause the arms of nothing she falls asleep in can still bring the razor to the wrist. the tv screens, the magazines scream at you like the dogs of hell - advertising and advising you to be anyone but your beautiful self. prince charming never brought you flowers, just loveless lifetime alone. no roses for you, just unlocked doors and the deafening silence of your phone. so block your ears, close your eyes; remember that you're a golden soul fallen from the boring, heartless hollywood heard of lies that they call "beautiful"

with no shoulder, no hand, no body, no man, no door, no heart to let you -- the sun can take too long to end the endless night; i hear you, i feel you, i bleed with you when our hearts begin to scream: "this life can feel too long" but at night, you're dancing through the pain even when you're the only one. no rose, no sky as full of the beauty of the girl who dies, but rises with every morning's sun alone. she dances alone, alone -- so beautiful. alone -- her own romance; alone -- lady lazarus' life-sustaining dance.

hanging out with mark tonight was rad.
and i really missed sushi.

muzak

2009-05-12T15:21:00.000-07:00

really affects me.
it's kind of scary.

i wish more Christian bands didn't suck.

i want to make music with someone that i really look up to, musically and spiritually.
(but that is hard to find.)

girl or guy, i don't care.

someone who will tell me when i'm not really on top of things - both musically and spiritually.

i kind of had that with dom, but then i left for school, and then he left the church (shoreline), and then went and got married to someone he knew for two months. and now we haven't spoken in three.
awesome.

i teven texted tj today to see if he liked the band stars, because i am so desperate to try to play their songs right now. luke and i were supposed to do a cover of elevator love letter, but he ditched me that night for trey's movie premiere (which i also wasn't told about) and then i had a show to go to the next night and then he left. so that died.

anyway.
i am not as creative as i wish i were. however, then comes the damning question i am bound to ask myself: why do i even desire to be more creative? for my own glory? satisfaction? self-gratification? the praise of people and the admiration of others around me? so i can catagorize myself with a certain subculture or give me a feeling of identity? or is it truly for the benefit of others and the glory of God? i live for the latter much less than i would like to admit. so it is probabaly a good thing i am not good at guitar or singing or poetry or writing music; i might become very pretentious and self-absorbed. mhmm.

it's probabaly one of the reasons i sometimes feel intimidated or judged by james - but he isn't intimidating or judgemental at all; i am just jealous that he seems to be somehow free from all of this - he isn't consumed with culture or what is popular for two seconds. he is just himself. sure, everyone is influenced by things and people around them - but for him, it doesn't automatically change if someone thinks it's cool or not. i know that's one of the things that attracted me to him initially. he reminded me of who i was before. how free i felt. what is sad, though, is that i don't know if i still feel that freedom anymore. but it is my own fault. and it needs to change. i want to find out who i really am - but not in a "finding myself" sort of way - i want to know who He made me to be. because that is all that really matters, anyway.

i think i might make this blog private again because i'm starting to just write and write and not stop, so if you want to still read my worthless mini-novels and misgivings, give me your email so i can add you to the readers. i may or may not do this, but just in case.

alright. homework now.

p.s.
i get to hang out with mark in santa monica tonight. i'm stoked. thankyou Jesus. please pray i will be a good witness. yes.

today

2009-05-11T21:43:00.001-07:00

was a good day. i think.
aside from the fact that i had to shovel five hundred dollars out of my own pocket for school (and that's only half of ONE class), and that babysitting four insane kids (two with autism) breaks my heart and makes me never want to have kids at the same time...
it was good.

james and i have been texting all day; i only called him once (and i think it was mostly to get pity from him that i had to pay the school so ridiculously much for one stupid class - to which i was answered with: "well, that's how i felt when i bought my PS3." seriously?!? anyway...)
we have been talking about different issues of semi-touchy subjects. and it's been really good. really healthy for us i think. it started with me asking him if he'd break up with me if i ever smoked a cigarette. i already knew the obvious answer, but i guess i wanted a confirmation to make me really start thinking if a few minutes of enjoyment were truly worth losing both him and my witness to many people (as i wouldn't lie when asked if i have or not). so, as lauren said in her text, when she gets back "or we'll both go up to my favorite spot and i can smoke and you can watch me. :)" ...indeed.

i'm really liking it here at her house. i might have already mentioned that, but i do. it is so peaceful. no one is loud or really even tries to talk to me. sure, i get lonely sometimes, but not here. it's usually when i'm running (driving) around town and just wish i had someone to accompany me. someone to share the day with. anyone. james obviously comes to mind first: he loves going to stores with me. and while i've been frustrated with his desire to walk around walmart just for the hell of it at times (usually because i'm insanely busy), right now i would love that more than anything. i have come to the conclusion that even the most beautiful places, the most breathtaking scenery, are still empty if there is no one to share it with. an acquaintance, a lover, a stranger - anyone. too bad i am so shy; i might try to make a friend or two while i'm out here on my own. i honestly cannot remember the last time i spent so much time by myself. it truly is odd. i guess this is why people end up in bars and drunk and in stranger's beds.
it's starting to make sense to me now, i think.

anyway, i was going to write about all of the things james and i discussed tonight but honestly now i don't even really feel like it. whatever, i'll give a brief overview: smoking, tattoos, friendships with the opposite sex when married, and... i think that's it. it was good. we hold mostly the same views, more or less - well, maybe not on the tattoo thing, as i'd really like to still get some more. but i think it's good that i don't. he keeps me in check. i love the two that i have, but who knows if i'll regret the others? although i secretly (or not so secretly, as i'm pretty open about it) think he would look amazing with a sleeve. which apparently is the only way he'll ever do it - "one and dones look lame on guys." ?!? i have no idea where that term came from, but sure. whatever you say, darling.

post-session is not going to be as insanely intense as i thought. for that i am so so glad. sosososo glad. it would be, were i taking two courses, but then i would also be broke. as i kind of already am. but i guess that's another reason that the babysitting is a blessing - it's the only way i'm paying for this crap. (forget the fact that i'm helping a needy family, pssh). gah. why can't i be truly selfless? if i had the opportunity to babysit for free, for another family in desperate need, would i? or why does it have to be desperate? would i do so just out of love for Christ? i have before in the past but i think i am so used to getting paid that i really fear i would hesistate. i don't know how it is possible that my view of God can shrink so much over time - it's honestly scary. i can see now how i can be a practical athiest when i want to. it's truly horrible.

i'm going to finish cleaning up the remnants of my unpacking before i go to sleep. and before i go to sleep, i am going to get my head straight. and the only way to do that is to meditate on truth. search it out. let it soak it. it's sad how much i rely on my major to get me in the Word. so sad. but not tonight, like last night. hence the reason i am thankful for people in my life like the ones previously mentioned. i love you (both).

p.s. i miss all the salinas hardcore kids.
steve has started talking to me out of the blue and excitedly telling me about his girlfriend and mark came back to LA last night, so i want to hang out soon. but really, i miss them all. ritchey, charlie, steve, scooba, ariel, jayjay, mark, even devlin and siggy though they drive me insane. even ariel's mom although she actually is insane. also, angie has been hitting me up on every social networking site i have, and apparently wants to hang out, though we've never done so apart from shows and her house with adrian and the boys - which she moved out of. which is probabaly a good thing. but that is a different story. i bet she thinks i'm cool now or something because i've been listening to the smiths. haha. or maybe not. i just hope i can be a good witness to her - she claims christianity but doesn't agree with all of the bible, which obviously equals not real christianity. so. God may be giving me an opportunity there. we'll see. two and a half more weeks. home. we'll see.

but seriously.

i want to love these people like He does.

i fail at that 99% of the time.

please pray i get better.

thanks.

-m.

dear lauren

2009-05-10T22:00:00.000-07:00

i am writing this because you are probabaly asleep right now so i cannot text you and the only one that reads this blog that i know of anyway and there are a few things i want to say to you.

one. i miss your writing.
two. i miss your face.
three. i miss your smell. even though it is lurking in hidden corners and secret drawers of this bedroom, the fact that there is not a lauren to accompany it creates an odd oxymoron of comfort and loneliness.
four. thank you for last night. you are a God-send, my sister in Christ, and right now, for about one million reasons, my best friend.
five. i can't wait to see you again.

and six: today, for some reason, i really really had the urge to smoke. a vanilla cigarello. or actually i think it started last night. isn't that odd?? i have no idea where it came from. i haven't even smelled one since october of two thousand and seven when my friend thomas was smoking one in hollywood. thomas is now married and i haven't spoken to him in two years. and i haven't smelled a vanilla cigarello since. but i really wanted to smoke one tonight, out of the blue. i also wanted to go tagging. graffiti i mean. i think i might have spelled that wrong. but anyway. again, i don't know why. maybe because my friend diana has been showing me amazing street art and we were supposed to hang out yesterday but then something sad happened and she couldn't, which is understandable. but i really wanted to go take pictures of it anyway, but i couldn't stand to go by myself. it was bad enough going to jet rag and buffalo exchange by myself today, but i had to. i needed to get rid of clothes. but all the while i just wished that you were there with me. i'm serious. and i was babysitting tonight and didn't have time to tell you all of this so i had to write it down when i got back, which i just did. all i had time to do was send you that little text message, which i did. and later, after i got into your room, i was organizing my clothes and found your cannon rebel box in there and i thought of the fact that you have that great camera with you, and all i have is my cheap digital, but it is good enough for now, but that i really wish we could go take pictures again. of each other. and maybe next time, i will actually take a drag of your cigarette. maybe. :)

or. maybe i just wanted to live for experience, too - just for tonight, but i didn't.
and i think i can wait until you come back, anyway.
i guess, possibly, maybe that's what happens when you miss someone... you just go crazy, and feel as if you would do things you would never dream of doing otherwise.

anyway.
regardless.
i love you.

eph. 3:14-21
(you have prayed this for me so much lately and i pray it right back to you.)

okay, goodnight.

show tonight

2009-05-08T00:25:00.000-07:00

mae = not that amazing
barcelona = solid but not my taste
personL = gay name but incredible musicians

seriously though, they were. i actually stood with my mouth wide open for a few songs. i haven't been that impressed with a band in a long, long while. they were fun and comfortable on stage but weren't annoying. they were confident but not over-pretentious. and they were talented. oh my word. they had two drummers - but not two drums sets - they used a lot of other random percussiony instruments. and this one guy mesmerized me. he was standing and drumming on a floor drum and then every once in a while shaking a tamborine so fast i could barely track with my eyes. he was tall, scrawny, with poofy dirty-blonde hair. and all i could think of this whole time was:

http://www.youtube.com/v/5Mum6ggkBJs

(see crazy guy banging drum to the right)

okay.goodnight. my wonderful boyfriend who paid for the whole thing took me back so i could get some sleep, not write. yep.

images from my life as of late

2009-05-07T00:16:00.000-07:00

sometimes

2009-05-06T22:21:00.000-07:00

sometimes i fear that we really have nothing to talk about.

sometimes i might not be in love with you, but i do know that i love you.

sometimes i wish you would just let your imagingation
run wild with me.

my dear, you are so grounded.
stable, rational, realistic.
isn't that supposed to be a good thing?