it's been on my heart for a while; now i'm transferring it to the keys

the following was written partly because it's something i've been thinking through for a long time, and partly in response to this post.

...oh, yes. of course. you can only imagine how this one ends. it's classic. so romantic. just like a scene out of the notebook. or, for those of us less thrilled by the more hollywood-hyped films, perhaps something from eternal sunshine? maybe even a with a little wes anderson vibe? any way you spin it, they’re all the same. they're perfect. there's a reason we are drawn to them. they make damn good stories.

but in the end, that’s all they are. stories. books. movies. and we want them. we want to be in them. we want what they have. we want our lives and relationships and moments to look just like them, because obviously, that's what real love looks like. of course, that's what is really important. it's what makes relationships work. and grow. and last.

...and we couldn't be more wrong.


it doesn't, they don't, and no. and the sooner you realize that, the better off you are. that, i can promise you.


but why should you listen to me? what do i know?

i know what this feels like.

or at least, i used to know. i’ve stood at my doorstep, body shaking. i’ve had four am conversations sharing hearts and dreams and secrets. i’ve had songs written about me; beautiful poems. letters. i’ve been the lost love. i’ve been that girl. and sometimes, something brings it back, and i start to remember the feeling, vaguely. but honestly, it's not something i want to remember, anymore. having lived nearly two years of it at one point in my life, having thrown everything away for what i thought i knew i wanted, having gone against better judgment and advice and believing the words of a smart, charming boy over the words of reason… i've come to find out that in the end, it's empty. those things that you so cherished all come crumbling down when push comes to shove. when it gets hard. when she’s not as pretty. when he’s getting on your nerves. when you’re tired. when it’s not fun anymore. when life is normal. all those beloved moments of picturesque romance, the conversations with such witty banter it could have come from a high-budget indie film, the looks and words and touches carried out so perfectly it felt surreal?

you want to know the truth?

when it’s not backed up with real love, they don't mean anything.

and sure, everyone wants those moments. we want to be adored and sought after and have someone stare into our eyes as if we’re the only person on the earth worth looking at. but in reality, anyone can copy what they see in the movies. all it takes is throwing away any inhibition you may have, with maybe a little bit of insanity, and depending on your methods of choice, possibly a couple hundred dollars in gas money. because if you know that these grandiose (read: ridiculous) acts will get you what you want, what wouldn’t you do? even if you don’t get the girl in the end, you’ll be the melodramatic hero. you’ll still have a story that any hopeless romantic would die for. justin vernon could write a song (or a whole album) about it, probably.

(i know it well.)

and, sure. it's one thing to say, "of course what happens in the movies isn't real life. we know that." but when you're in the middle of living out something that makes the scene from the royal tenenbaums (with margot and richie and the perfect nico song in the background) a mundane occurrence, it's a lot harder to keep your head out of the clouds.

therefore, unless you realize that relationships are not a series of one perfect moment to the next, and are a lot more work than you ever (EVER) had imagined or heard, you will be living in a dreamworld. you will be continually disappointed. you will look for something that doesn't exist, and you will never be satisfied. you will have a skewed perspective of how someone should love you, and you will never learn how to really love someone else. you see, smaller acts of kindness often say a lot more about a person's character, more about his motives, and more about how he really loves rather than those epic moments of romantic glory... even the sacrificial ones. because in reality, lasting relationships take the kind of daily, continual sacrifice that actually doesn't look all that romantic on a big screen or sound all that beautiful when you talk about it.
 but, these are the things that matter. that are real. that count. 
things like listening when you don't want to. things like saying you're sorry when it isn't a big deal to you (but it is to her). things like letting him have space when he doesn't feel like holding you for hours (and not pouting about it later). things like communicating about what's bothering you, and things like hearing the other person out even when you don't agree. things like not expecting him to read your mind, and things like trying to understand her even if you think you never will. things like not making assumptions. things like considering the other person before yourself. things like being careful about how you speak to each other, even when you're angry. things like tone. things like body language. things like attitude. things like patience. kindness. gentleness. humility. not being rude, self-seeking, or easily angered. not keeping a record of the wrongs done against you, but forgiving. being truthful. protecting. trusting. hoping. enduring.

…and that, my friends, is real. that, is love.

updatetimemaybe

alright.

i've been home for exactly a week now, and my fears of not having friends has nearly completely ceased.

(i am so blessed.)

it would take a novel (or at least a couple more hours of staying up, which i don't want to do) in order to write in detail about the ways God has shown me His love and provision in my life. the most prominent of ways has been with my amazing friends who love Him and (in turn) love me. i am reconnecting with people i've barely spoken to in years or thought may have hated me, and having the most blessed times of fellowship i could ever imagine. i am starting a job with very good pay in my own home church, often hitching rides with my mother and getting to work out with her in the mornings as well. i will be (HOPEFULLY) getting my car fixed tomorrow, and next weekend i am going back down to LA to see one of my absolute favorite bands play a show in which i have FLOOR tickets to (which was not the case last time). and tomorrow evening, jessica is coming over to do a photoshoot for my etsy store which i am finally (slowly) starting up again.

speaking of jess, sunday night was the most relaxing and enjoyable time i've had in so long, and tuesday night with brittany was just unexpectedly amazing, full of wholehearted laughs, tears, and just wonderful fellowship. (i have missed you both more than i can put into words, and i cannot even express just how thankful i am to Jesus for having you both back in my life.)

this week has been relaxing and fantastic and there is not much i can really complain about (aside from not having a car i guess... ha). i have done nothing and yet got a lot done, and have even been on my computer long enough to sell some books on amazon, order things from ebay, and have relatively edifying (and awesomely sarcastic) conversations over facebook chat, aim, and skype. in fact, i have had two absolutely amazing nights in a row, though for completely different reasons.

and yet... i miss LA. i do. but after some thoughtful consideration, i've come to the conclusion that rather than the places themselves, i actually miss the people and the experiences i had with those certain people at those certain places more than anything else. i miss burbank and ventura and hollywood and santa clarita not because of the location, but because of the associations i have with them. i remember the feeling i used to get at sundown, or with late night drives into the city. i remember the anticipation i felt after a day of school, knowing that shortly after i would be getting to take a trip to jamba juice or going exploring or having "study" time at denny's. and i miss those times already. i miss those people i shared those times with. for instance, i really miss what i would have been doing on this very friday night/saturday morning, were i still in the LA area - hanging out/giving tacos/ministering to the homeless folk on skid row. those were some of the most amazing times i had right before leaving master's, and it's hard to know i won't be doing that practically ever again, at least not on a consistent basis. there is nothing more incredible than being used by God in the most evident of ways, especially when you least expect it.

and now, i'm sitting on the floor in my room thinking about all this, in awe at how my life got to be where it is - in these last three years, in this last semester, in the short two months when everything changed from what i thought my life would look like. but i'm okay with that now. no, i'm thankful for it. God knows what He's doing with my life, even if i couldn't be more clueless. and even though i might not know everything, i do know what the Lord is asking from me in a lot of ways, the most clearly being that which is in His Word. it's just hard to remember at times that the things i actually need to know are the very things He's already given to me - in His truth, and the ways He's growing me in my life - and this is what i must not neglect. the rest is not in my control. and, well, i'm kind of glad that's the case... because i'm pretty glad about where my life is right now.

(even if it doesn't all completely make sense yet.)

- koontz

truly,

i am starting to think that fellowship is the greatest blessing we have been given on this earth, second to knowing Christ and studying the Word.

(and i'm overwhelmingly thankful that i've been able to experience so much of it lately.)

confused

is a good word for it.

this one is my favorite from the night,

and so i decided to share it with you.

a few things.

for one, last night sure didn't suck. at all. in fact it was pretty enjoyable. and by that, i mean really enjoyable. so that was awesome.

two, i finished my senior thesis. thirty pages, single spaced, on the topic of self-deceit. i would give a general explanation of what my paper/project consisted of and what it's main points were, but that is pretty much the last thing i want to do right now. if you're really curious, ask me and i'll tell you some other time. or just email it to you. in all it's thirty-page glory.

three, i still don't have a car. and i know it's no one's fault but my own, first of all for crashing it, and secondly for not having money to be able to just pay for it to get fixed. although i'm sure that even if i did my father and brother would have scoffed at that and said how ridiculous it would be for me to pay for someone to fix it when they could do it themselves. however, that has not been able to happen yet, for numerous reasons, some of which are: sickness, races, and weather. so, i probably will remain car-less until graduation. which is not what i had been hoped and had been told. but again - can't blame anyone else, really. besides maybe the weather. yeah, stupid weather.

and yet, of course, there are a few things that i would still like to do one last time before i leave the los angeles area somewhat indefinitely. however, in light of my lack-of-car, the majority of these things will most likely NOT happen. unfortunately. even so, i will list my heart's little last wishes:

- spend a day at the ventura thrift stores (with the company of the lovely mrs. erin howard)

- rummage the jet rag sunday morning sale (and take my dear friends elizabeth and anna with me)

- find and spend an afternoon at some coffee shop in hollywood/LA, by myself or with one other person (i.e. kristen)

- take stuff to buffalo exchange

- see a movie at the new beverly cinema with some pals

- check out whatever's at amoeba

- go to another hardcore show (and NOT get in a wreck on the way there)

- go to any show

- go to santa monica (though on second thought that might actually not be a good idea for me at this point in time in my life)

- hang out with some folks at skid row on a sunday afternoon or a friday night with the master's group

- visit the burbank dollar bookstore, along with other fun little burbank stores

- visit my friends at APU

- visit my friends in pasadena

- get (somewhat) dressed up and go out. i don't care where. i don't care what we do. i just want to walk around and feel pretty and explore the city again, with someone i feel comfortable with. someone i can talk to. someone who sees the little traces of beauty that's left in this trashy, commercialized, sad place... and wants to seek out and enjoy every last bit of it.

four--

on that note:

i have learned

that it is in fact possible

to have the best day and the worst day

of your entire week/month/semester/year

on the same day.

for (basically) the same reasons.

oh Lord. what do i do, now?