still, though

spending friday and saturday nights alone confined to my room, unable to go into my RD's apartment, not being able to ask about my roommate's day, being discluded from activities, and being mocked because of it all, is getting somewhat old.



i hate to say it, but the fearful, presumptuous, selfish, lonely, suspicious, and anxious part of me is really really not looking forward to next semester.



EDIT:

if i knew how to cleverly put a line through text using html, i would. but all i want to say is that the above sentiments mean nothing compared to the phone conversation i just had. the encouragement. the love. the rejoicing in God's goodness in saving people who curse Him. the prayers and the Holy Spirit interceeding for us when we do not know what to pray for. the fact that one of my best friends was going to hell six months ago and is now going to be with Christ someday was just praying about how she longs for that glorious moment. she has become the epitome of a sister in the Lord to me, who just now called me to apologize for cursing God in conversations she had with me when she was unsaved. when she rejected Him and mocked Him. when she blamed Him and fought Him. and now, she loves Him. she praises Him. she prays to Him and honors Him, she blesses Him and runs to Him.

and that - THAT - will always, always far surpass anything and everything i could ever ask for from God; all the superficial things that i desire. that is more important than being included in movie nights, or going to amoeba, or not having awkward conversations, or not being understood. that is more important than talking about music, or movies, or superficial things that are already passing away. that is more important than any friendship i could have that is about myself more than it is about Christ. the fact that the girl whom the only thing i had in common with was music and conversation and that we were both humans who felt and had some sort of connection somehow, i now talk with 90% about Christ and 10% about everything else - music, nature (which usually ends up in talking about God's beauty anyway), random picture texts, or whatever else. it's freaking ridiculous. and so humbling.

oh Lord, i am so selfish. i want to be defined by love. and You are love.
i want to be defined by You.