well it's true

i've seen the best and worst of you, but we're sticking through, because without all of the ups and downs we've been through - you know that it's true - that i could really get sick and tired of you.

(sad enough to say, that alone i could barely light a match --

but together we can burn this place down.)

that thing

that little virtual button which was pushed about an hour and a half ago

i almost feel as if it were the same as pressing the big green "GO" button to release rapid fire on myself the second i get back to school (or possibly beforehand)

from a squad of confused, angry, hurt, gossiping, whispering soldiers

some who used to call themselves friends

some who just like to get in the know about that sort of thing

some who don't care and just want to get on with it

and i don't know how to handle it --

something that feels so wonderful and deadly at the same time

something so simultaneously joyful, precious, sincere

which makes me so worried, anxious, concerned

...but about what?

other people's opinions?

(or about pleasing the Lord?)

--dang it, megan. you're such an idiot sometimes.

right now

my mind won't stop yelling at me.

i need to sell more things on ebay/half.com/amazon

i need to go through my binders and clean them out

i need to (continue to) loose weight

i need to not overdose on advil

i need to take those clothes to luna blu

i need to learn this song i'm supposed to sing in a coupleish hours

i need to take a shower and get dressed

i need to eat something

i need to do the above three things before i leave to go meet with danielle at six-thirty

i (still) need to call tess, jess, dom, and leslie before i leave in a week to go back to school

i don't want to go back to school...

i need to get over myself and my pride and my fear and my worry (and just change my facebook already)

i need to pray for more people, more often

i need to be less selfish

i need to love him better

i need to love everyone better

i need to spend time with my savior

because

the only One that's never left me has carried me so very far.

and yes i still believe in You

"however, to the man who does not work but trusts God who justifies the wicked, his faith is credited to him as righteousness."

(romans 4:5)

i cannot work to be righteous.

i cannot earn my salvation.

i cannot do enough good to ensure my place in heaven or be right in God's eyes.

my good deeds, spiritual conversations, moral standards and strong convictions mean nothing

(absolutely nothing)

(worthless)

(rubbish)

(crap)

if my heart does not belong to Him,

if i have no faith in Him,

if i do not trust Him,

if i don't love Him.

i don't need to try and make this sound deeper or more profound than it is.

it's not.

it doesn't need to be.

i don't need to try and impress you.

i just want to love my Lord.

(may i love You more this year than i did in years previous and less than i will in years to come)