tonight

i looked through it all once more

(a couple times)

"it's Yours, Lord"

(i'm Yours, too)

then i let it go.

i'm going to be doing a lot of that lately, i think

and it actually hurts, still

less than i expected it to

but more than i wanted it to.

but i can't think about that now.

i have to go do homework with a girl in another room

and put emotions aside, get serious again

i feel like throwing up the burrito i ate two hours ago

(i probably shouldn't have done so in the first place)

and honestly, as much as i love

these girls/my school/professors/major/location

i want to leave here, so badly

i want to be done

i miss my family

and i want to start over

again.

done.

dear Jesus,

it's all Yours.

i'm all Yours.

please hold me.

oh, how many times have i broken Your heart?
but still You forgive, if only i ask
and how many times have You heard me pray,
"draw near to me"?

everything i need is You;
my beginning, my forever.
everything i need is You

is You

this week the trend was to not wake up till three pm (i picked the few conscious hours that i chose to spend and slept away the rest of them) and this week the trend was to crash and burn and then return again; to practice the life that i pretend provides enough to get me through the week(end)

so i say, "get me a solution, and watch me run with it" and then You gave- You gave me a solution; what have i done with it?

(cause i was absolutely sure i had it all figured out way back then)

and now it's this minute, this hour, this day and this week the trend was to backstab every single one of my friends and leave a voicemail message trying to make amends all the while hoping things work out in the end

and this week the trend was to borrow all the strength that You could lend to keep my head above the water and not descend back to where i said i'd never go again

so i say, "get me a solution, and watch me run with it" and then You gave - You gave me a solution; what have i done with it?

(cause i was absolutely sure i had it all figured out way back then)

but after this day it's this week all over again

AND I JUST WANT TO GET MUGGED AT KNIFEPOINT TO GET CUT ENOUGH TO WAKE ME UP because i know that i don't want to die sitting around watching my life go by and what we take from this is what we'll get and we haven't quite figured it out just yet because all of us are all too stuck strapped to a chair watching our lives blow up

my heart feels so empty.

like i'm not where i should be

but i know that's not the case

because this is where i am

and where i will be for a while

so i can't change what He's made clear

but so many things are changing around me

and i think if i run, they will stop

i want to be in montery

i want to be in israel

i want to be in jackson hole

(ijustwanttobeinheaven)

because the very minute i'm so sure of something

they don't feel so sure anymore

and the person on the phone says it will get better

and the person in my ear says it never will

and he doesn't feel the same way

and she doesn't even know the first of it

and we all see it from different perspectives

and wisdom doesn't mean anything when you're only hearing what you want to hear

and advice is worthless when biases creep in like maggots

ruining anything and everything pure

oh JESUS i want to run away

but i can't escape my own heart

in monterey, santa clarita or wyoming

i am still the same person

wanting all the same things

in need of the same Savior

fighting the same battle

but i can't fight

with my own hands and heart

i am weak and my flesh becomes bloody and bruised

when i run out into battle with my prideful self-will

only to come back beaten and and broken

i want to fall at Your feet

and say "never again"

but how can i allow my lips to speak

words which i know are lies?

thank You for looking to the motives of my heart,

not the actions which i so miserably perform

something that both scares me and comforts me

within the same thirty seconds

oh Jesus, my heart is screaming

"i can't do this"

but i don't even know what "this" is

i'm tired of crying alone in my room on sunday afternoons

but i guess i'm so blinded by my selfishness

that i can't even see what my hands are doing past my arms

(and trust me, it's nothing worth seeing)

so let's call a spade a spade

a promise, a promise

and a sin, a sin

and this sin

is that same vice

which has been making me miserable since my freshman year of high school

in which i knew i was either choosing to do the will of Christ

or the will of the devil

because he doesn't come with a red horned-faced suit

a pointy tail and a pitchfork

he is beautiful, and dazzles my eyes with beautiful things

beautiful words, charms and dreams

because all he has to do to get me on the path to eternal hell

is to get me to deny the truth and love my sin more than Him

and that sin is

simply, only, completely

that i love everything else in this world

more than i love You.

somethinglikelaughter

people say they know a girl whose lost her way; she's always angry

no one bothers to ask her what she hears or what she hopes for

the air is cold, she lives alone and tires of being her only provider

she can't fathom grace tonight; no not tonight, it's not an option.

searching for more than mere tastes of living water

tired eyes tend to wander; seek the Light

create in her a sense of awe that sees Your beauty

let Your splendor flash with blinding light

cities slowly suffocate; what once was bright is now moth-eaten

as young girls filled with thoughts that once were fresh, now worn and beaten

clutching pity like a prize to her side, her fingers grow weary

"He cares so much for sparrows, won't He toss something out my way?

searching for more than mere lies disguised as dogma

tired eyes tend to wander; seek the Light

create in her a sense of awe that sees Your beauty

let Your splendor flash with blinding light

standing tall, all the aspen trees drink water

as rain falls down like laughter from the sky

nothingelsetosay