my heart feels so empty.

like i'm not where i should be

but i know that's not the case

because this is where i am

and where i will be for a while

so i can't change what He's made clear

but so many things are changing around me

and i think if i run, they will stop

i want to be in montery

i want to be in israel

i want to be in jackson hole

(ijustwanttobeinheaven)

because the very minute i'm so sure of something

they don't feel so sure anymore

and the person on the phone says it will get better

and the person in my ear says it never will

and he doesn't feel the same way

and she doesn't even know the first of it

and we all see it from different perspectives

and wisdom doesn't mean anything when you're only hearing what you want to hear

and advice is worthless when biases creep in like maggots

ruining anything and everything pure

oh JESUS i want to run away

but i can't escape my own heart

in monterey, santa clarita or wyoming

i am still the same person

wanting all the same things

in need of the same Savior

fighting the same battle

but i can't fight

with my own hands and heart

i am weak and my flesh becomes bloody and bruised

when i run out into battle with my prideful self-will

only to come back beaten and and broken

i want to fall at Your feet

and say "never again"

but how can i allow my lips to speak

words which i know are lies?

thank You for looking to the motives of my heart,

not the actions which i so miserably perform

something that both scares me and comforts me

within the same thirty seconds

oh Jesus, my heart is screaming

"i can't do this"

but i don't even know what "this" is

i'm tired of crying alone in my room on sunday afternoons

but i guess i'm so blinded by my selfishness

that i can't even see what my hands are doing past my arms

(and trust me, it's nothing worth seeing)

so let's call a spade a spade

a promise, a promise

and a sin, a sin

and this sin

is that same vice

which has been making me miserable since my freshman year of high school

in which i knew i was either choosing to do the will of Christ

or the will of the devil

because he doesn't come with a red horned-faced suit

a pointy tail and a pitchfork

he is beautiful, and dazzles my eyes with beautiful things

beautiful words, charms and dreams

because all he has to do to get me on the path to eternal hell

is to get me to deny the truth and love my sin more than Him

and that sin is

simply, only, completely

that i love everything else in this world

more than i love You.