oh hello october. i thought i'd be better by now, too

i don't actually know how i'm going to get through these next twenty-four hours.

and then the next seven days after that.

only by the grace of God, i know.

(friend, thank you for your words which impacted me so.)

but my nose is running and my head hurts, and four hours of sleep spread out between 24 hours is just not good; not good at all.

and i am so passive about everything i probably should be more aggressive towards, or at least, care more about,

and so easily frustrated and annoyed at things and people i usually wouldn't give second thought to.

and i really want to know what happened to that snake.

for some reason i am kind of worried that he just died in the box.

i hope to God someone let him back outside. i hope he didn't get thrown away in the trash. or abused by stupid boys. i keep having all these horrid daydreams about this cute little garter snake suffering a miserable death. it's a snake, for crying out loud, i know. but it honestly makes me emotional thinking about it. that if he died, i somehow contributed to his death. and that makes me so very upset.

i should have just let him go.

but i guess it doesn't matter.

(or shouldn't matter.)

another long night is ahead of me. laundry, packing, five foundations of science video lectures, a short paper, and a preliminary outline, as well as mix cd's i've been making for tiffany since march, need to be completed before 2:30pm tomorrow.

because i take an exam at 3.

and we leave at 4.

oh Lord, this is all for You. accomplish what You will. even with our weak bodies and tired minds.

i am so blessed by this group of students going with us. like, seriously. i'm not worried about them at all. i just want to be a good leader that rejoices in all things, and reflects the love and joy of Christ, regardless of stresses and circumstances around me. i guess the only way to get here, though, is to get out of my own head and start the renewal process on His terms:

"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me -- practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."

philippians 4:4-9

it's interesting that i can interpret this verse in so many ways to fit my own agenda. i can even try to fit in worldly, self-indulgent things into the categories mentioned above, because of the way i personally define terms such as "honorable, pure, lovely, commendable, of excellence" - but i must remember that it is God who defines these terms, not me.

but what does the Lord deem as true? honorable? just? pure? lovely? commendable? of excellence?

the only way i can ever attempt to try to answer this question is to start thinking about life and sin and myself and the world and others and everything the way that the Lord does. and the only way i can ever attempt to do this is... well, that's much more simple. but i fight it. every.single.day.

i need His Words in my head.

because if they're not

then

you know

and i know

and everyone (should)

know

that SOMETHING

else

will

be there.

whether it be songs, poems, my own biased opinions, the opinions of others, the words of others, the worries of the day, the forever-growing mental to-do list, the daydreams of how i want my life to be and look like and all the things i want to have... i'm going to fill my head with something. and my mind, compared to most, thinks A LOT. (contemplate about how fast i can sometimes spit out words. my mind goes nearly twice as fast. that's also two times the possibility for me to sin in my mind compared to my speech. really.)

i honestly believe that thoughts are never amoral. seriously. sure, a thought may not be outright sin or outright righteousness, but it is either moving us closer to a lifestyle which feeds our own wants, desires, agendas, etc., or feeds the desires, wants, and agendas of the Holy Spirit. the things we choose to contemplate on and focus our minds around (which in scripture is also synonymous for the heart, in many cases) is what will guide the decisions we make and the next thing we do in our day. our thinking is what determines our life. and sure, our heart determines our thinking. so it has to start there. and what is it that has the ability to change my heart? my relationship with Christ is sure; i know this. but what goes beyond that? it is my thoughts, attitudes, motives, the things i think about between classes and the conversations i pick up in the halls. i'm not trying to sound like joe keller, but give him a break. he has a point to what he says in this. my life is not meant to be divided into the secular and the sacred. and i'm tired of it all too often being so.

i want my heart to be pure. i want my thoughts to be on what God deems beautiful. i want my actions to live out who i really am - a servant of the MostHighGod. but i can't do this on my own. it is the age-old story of my life. if you were to go back and read my blogs from my xanga when i was 15 and 16 years old, you'd find the same thing. same pattern. same struggles, taking different forms. and written about in much sloppier english. but i am still so selfish. i need Him so, so badly. and i am so thankful that He chooses to use me anyway, despite all that i am.

(thoughts from a day of skipped classes, no sleep, headaches, and isolation my room)