dear lauren

i am writing this because you are probabaly asleep right now so i cannot text you and the only one that reads this blog that i know of anyway and there are a few things i want to say to you.

one. i miss your writing.
two. i miss your face.
three. i miss your smell. even though it is lurking in hidden corners and secret drawers of this bedroom, the fact that there is not a lauren to accompany it creates an odd oxymoron of comfort and loneliness.
four. thank you for last night. you are a God-send, my sister in Christ, and right now, for about one million reasons, my best friend.
five. i can't wait to see you again.



and six: today, for some reason, i really really had the urge to smoke. a vanilla cigarello. or actually i think it started last night. isn't that odd?? i have no idea where it came from. i haven't even smelled one since october of two thousand and seven when my friend thomas was smoking one in hollywood. thomas is now married and i haven't spoken to him in two years. and i haven't smelled a vanilla cigarello since. but i really wanted to smoke one tonight, out of the blue. i also wanted to go tagging. graffiti i mean. i think i might have spelled that wrong. but anyway. again, i don't know why. maybe because my friend diana has been showing me amazing street art and we were supposed to hang out yesterday but then something sad happened and she couldn't, which is understandable. but i really wanted to go take pictures of it anyway, but i couldn't stand to go by myself. it was bad enough going to jet rag and buffalo exchange by myself today, but i had to. i needed to get rid of clothes. but all the while i just wished that you were there with me. i'm serious. and i was babysitting tonight and didn't have time to tell you all of this so i had to write it down when i got back, which i just did. all i had time to do was send you that little text message, which i did. and later, after i got into your room, i was organizing my clothes and found your cannon rebel box in there and i thought of the fact that you have that great camera with you, and all i have is my cheap digital, but it is good enough for now, but that i really wish we could go take pictures again. of each other. and maybe next time, i will actually take a drag of your cigarette. maybe. :)


or. maybe i just wanted to live for experience, too - just for tonight, but i didn't.
and i think i can wait until you come back, anyway.
i guess, possibly, maybe that's what happens when you miss someone... you just go crazy, and feel as if you would do things you would never dream of doing otherwise.


anyway.
regardless.
i love you.


eph. 3:14-21
(you have prayed this for me so much lately and i pray it right back to you.)


okay, goodnight.