i know i let on that i don't miss you.
i think fear that if i do, i am somehow showing weakness.
giving into emotion.
and that emotion will be too overwhelming when you leave.
i don't want to cling to you.
and i think it is this that i am running from.

running, far away - running like a madwoman from any possibility of my heart being intwined with another man whose body i am not also intwined with as one (with a ring on my finger and a bed of our own and pictures of memories lining the walls of our home)

i don't want to be there again, and yet --
i think i desire this kind of intimacy
(in the emotional sense)
more than i would like to admit.



i think i have a faulty view
(one that is more tainted by culture than scripture)
of what relationships are supposed to look like.