muzak

really affects me.
it's kind of scary.

i wish more Christian bands didn't suck.

i want to make music with someone that i really look up to, musically and spiritually.
(but that is hard to find.)

girl or guy, i don't care.

someone who will tell me when i'm not really on top of things - both musically and spiritually.

i kind of had that with dom, but then i left for school, and then he left the church (shoreline), and then went and got married to someone he knew for two months. and now we haven't spoken in three.
awesome.

i teven texted tj today to see if he liked the band stars, because i am so desperate to try to play their songs right now. luke and i were supposed to do a cover of elevator love letter, but he ditched me that night for trey's movie premiere (which i also wasn't told about) and then i had a show to go to the next night and then he left. so that died.

anyway.
i am not as creative as i wish i were. however, then comes the damning question i am bound to ask myself: why do i even desire to be more creative? for my own glory? satisfaction? self-gratification? the praise of people and the admiration of others around me? so i can catagorize myself with a certain subculture or give me a feeling of identity? or is it truly for the benefit of others and the glory of God? i live for the latter much less than i would like to admit. so it is probabaly a good thing i am not good at guitar or singing or poetry or writing music; i might become very pretentious and self-absorbed. mhmm.

it's probabaly one of the reasons i sometimes feel intimidated or judged by james - but he isn't intimidating or judgemental at all; i am just jealous that he seems to be somehow free from all of this - he isn't consumed with culture or what is popular for two seconds. he is just himself. sure, everyone is influenced by things and people around them - but for him, it doesn't automatically change if someone thinks it's cool or not. i know that's one of the things that attracted me to him initially. he reminded me of who i was before. how free i felt. what is sad, though, is that i don't know if i still feel that freedom anymore. but it is my own fault. and it needs to change. i want to find out who i really am - but not in a "finding myself" sort of way - i want to know who He made me to be. because that is all that really matters, anyway.


i think i might make this blog private again because i'm starting to just write and write and not stop, so if you want to still read my worthless mini-novels and misgivings, give me your email so i can add you to the readers. i may or may not do this, but just in case.

alright. homework now.



p.s.
i get to hang out with mark in santa monica tonight. i'm stoked. thankyou Jesus. please pray i will be a good witness. yes.