oh, and

my roommate is talking in her sleep again.

i'm lame, yes

but i laughed at this to myself for nearly five minutes.

(probabalymorelikeonebutyouknowwhatimean)





















yes.

(we won't stop running til we get to the light)

you and i; we've got a lot to be glad for.





tonight was precious in so many ways and i want to save that moment and keep it and remember it when we are old and grey and still young and in love, but then i start to think -

but what if you leave?



what if this isn't it?



i chased the romantic's dream for so long; then it left me in a pond of tears and broken bones
i knew a movie script ending is not what i should be seeking and so i left that, too
my head told me that in fifty years all the pretty words will have no meaning
and look at me now, so practical, realistic, pragmatic, grounded

i've shunned away memories that have enticed my heart and strayed me from You, but now what am i to do? am i finally ready make new ones that i shall cherish when i lay awake at night? or is that to be reserved only for he who recieves also my whole heart?

memories are made regardless; i can't stop them from happening but i also cannot force them to come. contrived things make me nauseated. but this was not contrived. it is happening. it is now. and you are leaving in two weeks; and then come september i will be alone for four months. but i will not be alone, for He is my Rock. but still, four months. four months. four months.

four months of memories made without the other.




right when my heart starts to find its home in you.



yet You are such a good Father.

dear ABK:

that girl is my friend molly and i am in your mouth.

- megan.

comenowsleep//NO

i don't know if it's nerves, caffiene,
or a mind that's racing like a pro now,
but it is five:twenty-five am and i cannot get to sleep.


with every minute that passes by it is getting lighter outside and my heart is growing more and more anxious.


please, please pray for me.

friends,

(or whoever reads this blog - the whole two of you)

please.

pray for me.


in less than 36 hours i will be speaking to a large group of women from my church back home who are older, wiser, and more experienced than me on one of the most sensitive issues ever known to a Christian woman:

her children.


i have no idea why the Lord chose me to do this (by having the women on the leadership/retreat team at my church decide that i would be a good candidate to speak to them.) sneaky old ladies quietly wandering in to the highschool room while i give talks to the students apparently were some deciding factors. what in the world? this is so humbling. this is so crazy. this is so not something i can do on my own.

i have so much i want to say to them and yet i feel so unqualified.
i'm not married! i don't have kids! i'm only a twenty-one year old college student who may have discipled a few girls here and there and goes a school where they're training us to run a spiritual marathon, but that doesn't mean anything...
does it?

gah.





Lord, let this be You.
let my words leave, and let Your words be on my lips;
fall on their ears, and remain in their hearts.

Jesus, i have nothing to offer them.
only You. and that is enough.




please pray i would get an effective, concise outline finished (rather than just write a whole bunch of words in manuspcript form and then get really confused about order, which is what i usually tend to do). pray i would have time to practice, and not be stressed, but trust the Lord. pray that the women who need to hear whatever it is the Lord has to say though me would come, and pray for the other four women doing the other seminars, as well as our main speaker for the weekend. and above all else, pray that i and everyone else would come to love Him in a more real and deeper way though this.


thankyou.



(philippains 1:9-11 // 3:7-14)

reality is

"IAM the only thing you will ever worship, adore, cherish, desire, seek after - that will set you free instead of put you in bondange."

romans six:twenty-one.


THEREISNOSUCHTHINGASINDEPENDENCE.

stop fooling yourself, self. stop fooling yoursleves, pretentious scene kids. stop fooling everyone; you're not fooling anyone. you're not different - you're just like that guy i saw in hollywood. congradulations that you don't look like a Bible nerd; what are you trying to prove?
what is it worth in the end?

we all bow down to something. if it's not God Himself, we will make another god to serve.

( i know because i've done it. but i'm done. )

i want to serve the True One.
with everything i have.
all that i am.
forever.

on the up-side:

lauren - at least we'll get to x-up our hands during dorm-pride days and then giggle about it when 90% of the rest of them won't understand how ironic it is.






[thisyear.is.all.Yours.]












EDIT: (this is what i had written before)



"IAM the only thing you will ever worship, adore, cherish, desire, seek after - that will set you free instead of put you in bondange."


romans six:twenty-one.


THEREISNOSUCHTHINGASINDEPENDENCE.


stop fooling yourself, self. stop fooling yoursleves, pretentious scene kids. stop fooling everyone; you're not fooling anyone. you're not different - you're just like that guy i saw in hollywood. congradulations that you don't look like a Bible nerd;
what are you trying to prove?
what is it worth in the end?




we all bow down to something.
if it's not God Himself, we will make another god to serve.

( i know because i've done it. but i'm done. )



i want to serve the True One.
with everything i have.
all that i am.
forever.

really though?

this whole semester:

me: "teach me to love you more than i love myself. show me how beautiful You are compared to the things of this world that so often capture my heart. make me be more about pursuing You and Your purposes for my life than i am about pursuing things that are fleeting, emotional, temporal, and wasting away."

me: "this isn't getting any easier."

me: "this isn't what i expected."

me: "can't you just make me holy without having to go through crap?"








Him: "I will. it won't be easy. or what you expect. and you can't be like me unless you suffer like Me. what you want the least is proabably want you need the most. you want to follow Me? I choose your path. not you. "



me: "i don't think i can do this again."



Him: "you can't... without Me."






and i think that's the point.

still, though

spending friday and saturday nights alone confined to my room, unable to go into my RD's apartment, not being able to ask about my roommate's day, being discluded from activities, and being mocked because of it all, is getting somewhat old.



i hate to say it, but the fearful, presumptuous, selfish, lonely, suspicious, and anxious part of me is really really not looking forward to next semester.



EDIT:

if i knew how to cleverly put a line through text using html, i would. but all i want to say is that the above sentiments mean nothing compared to the phone conversation i just had. the encouragement. the love. the rejoicing in God's goodness in saving people who curse Him. the prayers and the Holy Spirit interceeding for us when we do not know what to pray for. the fact that one of my best friends was going to hell six months ago and is now going to be with Christ someday was just praying about how she longs for that glorious moment. she has become the epitome of a sister in the Lord to me, who just now called me to apologize for cursing God in conversations she had with me when she was unsaved. when she rejected Him and mocked Him. when she blamed Him and fought Him. and now, she loves Him. she praises Him. she prays to Him and honors Him, she blesses Him and runs to Him.

and that - THAT - will always, always far surpass anything and everything i could ever ask for from God; all the superficial things that i desire. that is more important than being included in movie nights, or going to amoeba, or not having awkward conversations, or not being understood. that is more important than talking about music, or movies, or superficial things that are already passing away. that is more important than any friendship i could have that is about myself more than it is about Christ. the fact that the girl whom the only thing i had in common with was music and conversation and that we were both humans who felt and had some sort of connection somehow, i now talk with 90% about Christ and 10% about everything else - music, nature (which usually ends up in talking about God's beauty anyway), random picture texts, or whatever else. it's freaking ridiculous. and so humbling.

oh Lord, i am so selfish. i want to be defined by love. and You are love.
i want to be defined by You.

these lines will not leave my head

it's nothing but time and a face that you'll lose
i chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
i'll write you a postcard, i'll send you the news
from the house down the road; from real love.


...live through this and you won't look back. live through this and you won't look back. live through this and you won't look back.


there's one thing i want to say, so i'll be brave:
you were what i wanted; i gave what i gave
i'm not sorry i met you,
i'm not sorry it's over,
i'm not sorry there's nothing to save;

i'm not sorry there's nothing to save.

heart's anthem

i will wait for You there
down on my knees where i met you
because life is a war fought with tears
but You are the strength i hold onto now
(i'm calling for You)

and with outstretched arms
i will sing a melody
and my beating heart
will pout out a symphony:

HALLELUJAHS in the morning
HALLELUJAHS in the night
i will wait for You
as long as i am alive

humanitarianism vs. Christianity

there are good deeds and there are wicked deeds, true.
but what is the difference
between doing wicked deeds
and doing good deeds with a wicked motive?

to me, it's another tax collectors vs. pharisees scenario.

both, as people, are as screwed up and sinful as the other.

but do the good deeds (i.e., giving to the poor, teaching scritpure, feeding the hungry) mean anything when the motive behind such is selfish and self-glorifying? (i.e., praise of man, good feelings, self-righteousness, condemnation of others not doing the same things, etc.)

or are the good deeds still better than doing wicked deeds, purely because the good deeds benefit others and the wicked ones do nothing but harm?

or, is all "good" that anyone does is only good because God Himself has deemed it so?

i believe, therin, is the truth.

what the Lord says is good is good; period.
He uses fallen, unrepentant men all the time to do good works.
even if their heart is dark and blashphemous,
do they feed the hungry?
clothe the naked? comfort the hurting? bind up the wounded?
have you ever heard the story of the good samaritan?
and still more, He is able to use even wicked deeds to accomplish His greater, divine purpose.
(does He ordain us to sin? my view on this subject is NO, as God cannot do evil, lie, etc - and He will never be the One to tempt us; we are tempted by our own sinful desires... but this is practically another discussion altogether.)

yet, as Christians we know that what the world needs is not another children's hunger fund or salvation army; men's souls, no matter how outwardly sacrificial and selfless, are still simply humanitarian when Christ is not the center. they are still going to hell if He is not Lord of their lives and "making the world a better place" is their central mantra. however, i believe these people must not be written off. Christians could learn a lot from hippies and tree-huggers. hear me out. these types love others and nature and help each other not because Christ has commanded it, but because they have nothing else. we should be doing these things for the former reason, and that reason alone. then and only then will we be able to truly witness to these people - and it isn't some elite group i am speaking of; there are thousands and thousands. the ones who make morality their religion. we know the truth - morality is not the way to eternal life. yet when these folk see Christians, who claim to - as we claim to believe the Word of God in the Bible - deem these social justice type deeds as important and yet care more about our new car or video game system or clothes or reputation, how are we to say "you need what we have!" "you need to repent and come to Christ! He is the only way to live righteously!" they won't understand that it's an issue of the heart. they won't exclaim, "oh, i get it!" when you try to tell them that their deeds are as filthy rags before the Lord and don't mean anything to Him when they are the ones spending time with the people dressed in filthy rags and helping them, while you're busy arguing about theology. this won't hold any weight with them unless you are practicing James 2 and showing your faith through the way you live your life, spend your money, time, etc. unless your are doing this, they will not give a crap about what you have to say about needing Jesus to save them. they will stare at you and say, "look, you with your kids who hate you and your wife who you fight with and your cars and your toys and your anger management issues and your wasteful living and your horrible language and your self-righteous attitude and your pride... why on earth would i want what you have? why would i want to follow a God who produces that in your life when i can live the way i do and help the people i do?"


...at least that's what my pagan, tree-hugger, nature-worshipping brother would say to my dad if he ever tried to talk to him about Christianity again.




(somethingtothinkabout.)

rainrain

i can hear the rain coming down very very gently on the metal roof of the dorm building next door directly out my window. it really is soothing and i have missed its sound - the smell and the wet ground. i haven't missed having my feet get soaked every time i walk outside or my pea coat drenched and weighed down, but that is why the rain right now is perfect. it is light; the pitter-patter, pitter-patter type... beautiful.

if it keeps raining however, i'm sure i'll want the sun and the warmth and the blue skies back, but for now, this is perfect.





oh, and sidenote: i don't want to be a freaking hipster.

as it was then, so it is now

five years old, favorite book
twenty one years old, favorite band

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--N9klJXbjQ

i am so freaking elated.
(october seems so far away)

yet

i have a hard time remembering all the things i should remember,
and a hard time forgetting all the things that i was supposed to forget.

oh and, Christ, when You're ready to come back,
then i think 'm ready for You to come back.
but if You want to stay wherever exactly it is You are,
that's okay, too... it's, it's really none of my business.

and if i didn't have You as my guide, i'd still wander lost in Sinai!
or down by the tracks watching trains go by
to remind me: there are places that aren't here.
and i had a well, but all the water left -
so i'll go ask Your forgiveness with every breath;
and if there was no way into God,
i would never have laid in this grave of a body
so long.

for anyone that cares

this is where i actually write. when i feel inclined to do so.

http://www.xanga.com/skankingirlie78

yes, the name is super embarrassing. but the fact that i've had this blog since i was a sophomore in highschool somewhat gives me an excuse.

yep.