alright

this is going to be

a lot more difficult

than i originally

thought.

oh but Lord, i know. how can You refine me if everything is always easy/going my way?

Your purpose is so much greater and reaches to the most hideous and hidden corners of my heart. and that is what i want. clean me up, renew me again. make me like You. i want to learn to love. i want to bring You glory.

thank you for bearing with me through this.

can i just say

life feels full again.

distance your heart

let it grow cold

(or just indifferent)

then you won't hurt anymore.

the Lord is faithful

and He answers prayers...

(i don't think you understand how much those ten minutes or so just made my day.)

okay. backtoworknow.

even still

(psalms)

(9:9-10)

the Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed,

a stronghold in times of trouble.

and those who know Your name put their trust in You,

for You, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You.

(16:1-2)

preserve me, O God, for in You i take refuge.

i say to the Lord,

"You are my Lord, i have no good apart from You."

(51:17)

the sacrifices of God are a broken and contrite spirit;

a broken and contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.

(56:10-13)

in God, Whose Word i praise,

in the Lord, Whose Word i praise,

in God i trust; i shall not be afraid

what can man do to me?

i must perform my vows to You, O God;

i will render thank offerings to You.

for You have delivered my soul from death,

yes, my feet from falling

that i may walk before God in the light of life.

done? i wish.

i have written exactly 38 pages of essays and term papers this week

not to mention 6 pages of regular typed-out worksheets

i've been in my room more than i've been outside

and slept less than i have in a long time

i never eat with people anymore

i'm tired all the time

but i'm alright.

now i'm done,

but only for today

because come tuesday, of course

i have another 20 page paper to turn in

which i have yet to start (i can't think right now)

so i guess that's what my weekend will be filled with, again

my friends never ask me to do things with them anymore, anyway.

i don't need deep words to worship You; this is my heart's cry tonight.

Jesus, i pray, take all my mistakes.

throw them away; destroy them for my sake.

Jesus, i call out 'cause i'm sorry,

because i fall so short of Your glory.

(to the best of my ability, i'm practicing humility

and i lay myself before, because less is more)

all that i have, i lay before;

with my pride on the floor,

'cause to You, less is more.

i pour out myself; all that i am.

You love me so much, that You fill me again.

and may these words of my heart on my lips

somehow mean so much more than this.

(Jesus, i pray; know what i'm trying to say...)

all that i am, i lay before;

with my pride on the floor,

'cause to You, less is more.

i pour out myself before You, oh Lord;

i hold nothing back, 'cause to You, less is more.

and may these words of my heart on my lips

somehow mean so much ore than this.

(Jesus, i pray; just know what i'm trying to say)

Jesus, i plead, please purify me.

make my heart clean; drench me with Your mercy.

Jesus, i pray; i love You, i need You.

for the rest of my days, i swear i will seek You.

(to the best of my ability, i'm practicing humility,

and i lay myself before, because less is more.)

You are

making sense of the mess that is my life.

and i'm so excited to see what that looks like.

(someday.)

psalm 34.

tuesday, september 5th, 2006

i just found this in my old jesusy-blog archives.

i think i wrote it and never posted it, or wrote it and posted it on my old myspace which i then deleted when i was convicted about spending too much time on there.

...regardless.

this is why i switched to a biblical counseling major in the first place. this is why i should enjoy writing papers like the one i'm supposed to be writing right now. but i don't anymore. i am tired of doing this because i'm required to. i miss writing about the Word because i am just.that.excited, thankful, joyful, and overwhelmed at how good the Lord is to me. but here i sit, ten more pages to go, and i found this as i was looking for an excerpt i could take and put in my "personal application" section. i'm sick of theology for the sake of theology. i want to know my Jesus again like i did when i was eighteen, before i came to master's, before i knew how to define "the sufficiency of scripture", before i knew what calvinism was, before i knew how to write papers like this and answer everything right and talk about how God is so great without even feeling an ounce of change in my heart.

i fear myself becoming jaded, and i don't want to do any of this anymore. i want to go back to monterey and spend time with high school girls helping them apply the bible to their lives and showing them the love of Christ with mine. i want to talk to them about how real Jesus is, how the love of God transform lives, how He is so much more worthy of our time and attention than anything else ---

but i sit here, frustrated, exhausted, with a headache and an empty stomach, trying to finish this paper so i can graduate.

Lord, help me to do this because i love You.

give me a passion and fire for Your Word like i had three years ago.

thank You for reminding me of the fact that the Bible is true and real and living and active, regardless of how old i am, where i live, or how close to You i feel at the time. thank You for reminding me of truth. Your Word is truth. let me speak (and write) of it with joy and thankfulness.

__________________________

9/5/06

God has been showing me, more and more lately, the important reality that I NEED the Word in my life. How can I call myself Christian – a true follower of Christ – unless I KNOW His words… unless I MAKE them a priority, if I desire to be like Jesus? The desire will come out in my actions. My actions can’t get to a place of emulating Christ unless I am spending time with Him, hearing from Him. My prayer needs to be, and is, that my desire would become strong for His word, and it would show in my actions. Not just in the way that I act, but in the priority I place in being in the Word. Do I really believe that His words bring life? That they are my daily bread; that I honestly need them to survive? This week, I have seen that it is actually true… as much as I try to convince myself that I am fine without them. Oh sure, I can physically live without the Bible… but eventually, I know that a few months down the road, I will not be at a place spiritually that I want to be. However, what God has been showing me lately is that every day I think that my agenda is more important than God’s, and I fail (or don’t even try) to make time for His Word… that I am that much more focused on myself, my wants, rather than on God’s… and Satan gets an opportunity to get in there, and convince me, that I’m okay.

I’m not.

The other day at church, our youth pastor was talking about how important it is to show others love, put them first, and have humility. He wanted us to commit to doing two things that would bless someone. Well, that is great, and loving others should be a natural fruit of living a Christian life… but we can only grow in that fruit of love and humility by abiding in the vine. By being in the Word. We cannot bear the fruit of the Spirit by our own mere motivation. It’s the fruit of the SPIRIT – NOT the fruit of “Megan”.

It’s so clear in scripture:

“Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine, you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me, you can do nothing…”

This is straight from the mouth of Jesus – not something I just came up with to sound intelligent!

God MUST want us to understand this – he repeats it almost three times in these verses. “REMAIN IN ME. REMAIN IN THE VINE. REMAIN IN MY WORDS.” They all go hand in hand, you cannot do one without the other. It is so true, and this verse makes it clear: The best way for me to show love to my friends and family, is to make it a PRIORITY for me to be in the Word. The more I read the Bible, the more my mind and heart is given the opportunity to be transformed to be like God’s. And His mind, and heart, is for others.

“If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.” John 15: (emphasis mine).

Does this mean, that if we keep reading the Bible, that we will get whatever we want when we pray for it? Um, I think the obvious answer is no. But then why would Jesus say something like this? Does this mean He wasn’t being sincere? Of course not! The answer is simple, but takes a lifetime to truly grasp: If we remain in God’s Word, the things that we ask for will not be out of selfishness, but out of love! It can’t be done any other way. On my own, with my own me-focused heart, I will NOT be prone to asking for God’s will.

But, if I am constantly reading, meditating on, praying through the words of God – my will, will start to be transformed to His.

(I just have to point this out here, how amazing it is in the way that scripture works together: “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world (which tells you to only look out for yourself; that everything is about your wants, needs, and desires; that YOU decide what is right and wrong…) but be transformed by the renewing of your minds. Then your will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – His good, pleasing, and perfect will.” Romans 12:2, emphasis and parenthesis, mine.)

There is no other way for our mind to be renewed than by scripture. By God-breathed, Holy-spirit inspired, straight-out-of-the-mouth-of-Jesus words. There is nothing here on earth that can benefit us, the others around us, and matter more for eternity than to find out what our Heavenly Father wants for our lives by spending time reading His words…

I have so much more to say on this, but I will put the rest in another blog, since its so long already. Hey... if you know me, I write a lot. :D and I don’t even know how all this came about. I was just looking for this one verse, kept reading, and God was like “BAM, I have something to show you.” And I just started writing, and kept writing, and getting excited, and therefore, I just decided to share it with anyone who is reading this. To say the least, I was pretty surprised and eager to get this out. Now, I need to pray that I will allow God to let this sink into my own life to where I don’t even have to think to myself the stupidest question of all time: “let’s see. The bible, or myspace?”

Pfft. :D

________________________________

(praise the Lord for the days when i didn't care about being cheesy or taking myself too seriously...)

1. 
   
2. my hope is built on nothing less
   than Jesus’ blood and righteousness;
   i dare not trust the sweetest frame,
   but wholly lean on Jesus’ name.
3. 
   
4. on Christ the solid Rock, I stand,
   all other ground is sinking sand;
   all other ground is sinking sand.
5. 
   
6. when darkness veils His lovely face,
7. i rest on His unchanging grace;
8. in every high and stormy gale,
9. my anchor holds within the veil.
10. His oath, His covenant, His blood
    support me in the whelming flood;
    when all around my soul gives way,
    He then is all my hope and stay.
11. on Christ the solid Rock, I stand,
    all other ground is sinking sand;
    all other ground is sinking sand.

when He shall come with trumpet sound,
oh, may I then in Him be found;
dressed in His righteousness alone,
faultless to stand before the throne.

in the words of stuart scott:

"When someone is humble they are focused on God and others, not self. Even their focus on others is out of a desire to love and glorify God. They have no need to be recognized or approved. There is no competition with God or others. They have no need to elevate self, knowing that they have been forgiven and that God's love has been undeservedly and irrevocably set on them. Instead, a humble person's goal is to elevate God and encourage others. In short, they 'no longer live for themselves but for Him who died and rose again on their behalf' (2 Cor. 5:15)."

of course the Lord would use the little booklet i'm reading for class and my life verse to convict me.

i have so much to repent of today.

Lord, forgive the cliche, but please--

please... be my everything.

fifteen page paper?

baaaahhh.

my heart is overwhelmed, i just want to spend time with the Lord.

i cannot tell you the joy i feel right now.

it doesn't make sense.

it shouldn't make sense.

but it's there, and i love it, and i cherish it.

(even though i will be up all night.)

the very last thing i want to do right now

(after spending the last 72 hours of my life the way i did)

is write a fifteen page paper on the sufficiency of scripture

for my theological basis of biblical counseling class

yeah.

...and it's not going to get any easier.

i love//am so thankful for

(as frustrating as it may be sometimes)

sanctification

the Holy Spirit

the body of Christ

the ability to love

as He does

as wretched

and wicked

and worthless

as we are.

hey, me too:

"It feels good to be hanging onto God with my last two fingers. It's stressful and difficult and humiliating, but it's good, because it's right. Without Him I'd have let go by now. I'd be falling through space and time, flailing around helplessly. I know that... True, they're my last two fingers. But at least I have something to hold onto that's not going anywhere and will in no case let me hit the ground. And those fingers haven't lost their grip one bit.

I guess it's all Hope. It's really important to me right now. And the fact that I get to have it blows my mind each day."

i couldn't have said it better, really.

in Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light

my strength

my song

this Cornerstone, this solid ground
firm through the fiercest drought and storm
what heights of love!

what depths of peace!
when fears are stilled

when strivings cease
my Comforter, my all in all

here in the love of Christ i stand.

tonight

i looked through it all once more

(a couple times)

"it's Yours, Lord"

(i'm Yours, too)

then i let it go.

i'm going to be doing a lot of that lately, i think

and it actually hurts, still

less than i expected it to

but more than i wanted it to.

but i can't think about that now.

i have to go do homework with a girl in another room

and put emotions aside, get serious again

i feel like throwing up the burrito i ate two hours ago

(i probably shouldn't have done so in the first place)

and honestly, as much as i love

these girls/my school/professors/major/location

i want to leave here, so badly

i want to be done

i miss my family

and i want to start over

again.

done.

dear Jesus,

it's all Yours.

i'm all Yours.

please hold me.

oh, how many times have i broken Your heart?
but still You forgive, if only i ask
and how many times have You heard me pray,
"draw near to me"?

everything i need is You;
my beginning, my forever.
everything i need is You

is You

this week the trend was to not wake up till three pm (i picked the few conscious hours that i chose to spend and slept away the rest of them) and this week the trend was to crash and burn and then return again; to practice the life that i pretend provides enough to get me through the week(end)

so i say, "get me a solution, and watch me run with it" and then You gave- You gave me a solution; what have i done with it?

(cause i was absolutely sure i had it all figured out way back then)

and now it's this minute, this hour, this day and this week the trend was to backstab every single one of my friends and leave a voicemail message trying to make amends all the while hoping things work out in the end

and this week the trend was to borrow all the strength that You could lend to keep my head above the water and not descend back to where i said i'd never go again

so i say, "get me a solution, and watch me run with it" and then You gave - You gave me a solution; what have i done with it?

(cause i was absolutely sure i had it all figured out way back then)

but after this day it's this week all over again

AND I JUST WANT TO GET MUGGED AT KNIFEPOINT TO GET CUT ENOUGH TO WAKE ME UP because i know that i don't want to die sitting around watching my life go by and what we take from this is what we'll get and we haven't quite figured it out just yet because all of us are all too stuck strapped to a chair watching our lives blow up

my heart feels so empty.

like i'm not where i should be

but i know that's not the case

because this is where i am

and where i will be for a while

so i can't change what He's made clear

but so many things are changing around me

and i think if i run, they will stop

i want to be in montery

i want to be in israel

i want to be in jackson hole

(ijustwanttobeinheaven)

because the very minute i'm so sure of something

they don't feel so sure anymore

and the person on the phone says it will get better

and the person in my ear says it never will

and he doesn't feel the same way

and she doesn't even know the first of it

and we all see it from different perspectives

and wisdom doesn't mean anything when you're only hearing what you want to hear

and advice is worthless when biases creep in like maggots

ruining anything and everything pure

oh JESUS i want to run away

but i can't escape my own heart

in monterey, santa clarita or wyoming

i am still the same person

wanting all the same things

in need of the same Savior

fighting the same battle

but i can't fight

with my own hands and heart

i am weak and my flesh becomes bloody and bruised

when i run out into battle with my prideful self-will

only to come back beaten and and broken

i want to fall at Your feet

and say "never again"

but how can i allow my lips to speak

words which i know are lies?

thank You for looking to the motives of my heart,

not the actions which i so miserably perform

something that both scares me and comforts me

within the same thirty seconds

oh Jesus, my heart is screaming

"i can't do this"

but i don't even know what "this" is

i'm tired of crying alone in my room on sunday afternoons

but i guess i'm so blinded by my selfishness

that i can't even see what my hands are doing past my arms

(and trust me, it's nothing worth seeing)

so let's call a spade a spade

a promise, a promise

and a sin, a sin

and this sin

is that same vice

which has been making me miserable since my freshman year of high school

in which i knew i was either choosing to do the will of Christ

or the will of the devil

because he doesn't come with a red horned-faced suit

a pointy tail and a pitchfork

he is beautiful, and dazzles my eyes with beautiful things

beautiful words, charms and dreams

because all he has to do to get me on the path to eternal hell

is to get me to deny the truth and love my sin more than Him

and that sin is

simply, only, completely

that i love everything else in this world

more than i love You.

somethinglikelaughter

people say they know a girl whose lost her way; she's always angry

no one bothers to ask her what she hears or what she hopes for

the air is cold, she lives alone and tires of being her only provider

she can't fathom grace tonight; no not tonight, it's not an option.

searching for more than mere tastes of living water

tired eyes tend to wander; seek the Light

create in her a sense of awe that sees Your beauty

let Your splendor flash with blinding light

cities slowly suffocate; what once was bright is now moth-eaten

as young girls filled with thoughts that once were fresh, now worn and beaten

clutching pity like a prize to her side, her fingers grow weary

"He cares so much for sparrows, won't He toss something out my way?

searching for more than mere lies disguised as dogma

tired eyes tend to wander; seek the Light

create in her a sense of awe that sees Your beauty

let Your splendor flash with blinding light

standing tall, all the aspen trees drink water

as rain falls down like laughter from the sky

nothingelsetosay

oh hello october. i thought i'd be better by now, too

i don't actually know how i'm going to get through these next twenty-four hours.

and then the next seven days after that.

only by the grace of God, i know.

(friend, thank you for your words which impacted me so.)

but my nose is running and my head hurts, and four hours of sleep spread out between 24 hours is just not good; not good at all.

and i am so passive about everything i probably should be more aggressive towards, or at least, care more about,

and so easily frustrated and annoyed at things and people i usually wouldn't give second thought to.

and i really want to know what happened to that snake.

for some reason i am kind of worried that he just died in the box.

i hope to God someone let him back outside. i hope he didn't get thrown away in the trash. or abused by stupid boys. i keep having all these horrid daydreams about this cute little garter snake suffering a miserable death. it's a snake, for crying out loud, i know. but it honestly makes me emotional thinking about it. that if he died, i somehow contributed to his death. and that makes me so very upset.

i should have just let him go.

but i guess it doesn't matter.

(or shouldn't matter.)

another long night is ahead of me. laundry, packing, five foundations of science video lectures, a short paper, and a preliminary outline, as well as mix cd's i've been making for tiffany since march, need to be completed before 2:30pm tomorrow.

because i take an exam at 3.

and we leave at 4.

oh Lord, this is all for You. accomplish what You will. even with our weak bodies and tired minds.

i am so blessed by this group of students going with us. like, seriously. i'm not worried about them at all. i just want to be a good leader that rejoices in all things, and reflects the love and joy of Christ, regardless of stresses and circumstances around me. i guess the only way to get here, though, is to get out of my own head and start the renewal process on His terms:

"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me -- practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."

philippians 4:4-9

it's interesting that i can interpret this verse in so many ways to fit my own agenda. i can even try to fit in worldly, self-indulgent things into the categories mentioned above, because of the way i personally define terms such as "honorable, pure, lovely, commendable, of excellence" - but i must remember that it is God who defines these terms, not me.

but what does the Lord deem as true? honorable? just? pure? lovely? commendable? of excellence?

the only way i can ever attempt to try to answer this question is to start thinking about life and sin and myself and the world and others and everything the way that the Lord does. and the only way i can ever attempt to do this is... well, that's much more simple. but i fight it. every.single.day.

i need His Words in my head.

because if they're not

then

you know

and i know

and everyone (should)

know

that SOMETHING

else

will

be there.

whether it be songs, poems, my own biased opinions, the opinions of others, the words of others, the worries of the day, the forever-growing mental to-do list, the daydreams of how i want my life to be and look like and all the things i want to have... i'm going to fill my head with something. and my mind, compared to most, thinks A LOT. (contemplate about how fast i can sometimes spit out words. my mind goes nearly twice as fast. that's also two times the possibility for me to sin in my mind compared to my speech. really.)

i honestly believe that thoughts are never amoral. seriously. sure, a thought may not be outright sin or outright righteousness, but it is either moving us closer to a lifestyle which feeds our own wants, desires, agendas, etc., or feeds the desires, wants, and agendas of the Holy Spirit. the things we choose to contemplate on and focus our minds around (which in scripture is also synonymous for the heart, in many cases) is what will guide the decisions we make and the next thing we do in our day. our thinking is what determines our life. and sure, our heart determines our thinking. so it has to start there. and what is it that has the ability to change my heart? my relationship with Christ is sure; i know this. but what goes beyond that? it is my thoughts, attitudes, motives, the things i think about between classes and the conversations i pick up in the halls. i'm not trying to sound like joe keller, but give him a break. he has a point to what he says in this. my life is not meant to be divided into the secular and the sacred. and i'm tired of it all too often being so.

i want my heart to be pure. i want my thoughts to be on what God deems beautiful. i want my actions to live out who i really am - a servant of the MostHighGod. but i can't do this on my own. it is the age-old story of my life. if you were to go back and read my blogs from my xanga when i was 15 and 16 years old, you'd find the same thing. same pattern. same struggles, taking different forms. and written about in much sloppier english. but i am still so selfish. i need Him so, so badly. and i am so thankful that He chooses to use me anyway, despite all that i am.

(thoughts from a day of skipped classes, no sleep, headaches, and isolation my room)

no, really. watch this.

this girl is on my wing this year.

i have no idea why she is at master's; her name shows up on the drop-down box of both google and youtube search engines.

she loves God like no one i've ever seen.

and while i don't listen to kanye west, alicia keys, or TI,

this poem, or whatever it is, convicted me like none other.

my word.

God has an interesting way of brining things to light in my life.

and i pray He will continue to do so. with you as well, my friends.

friend:

i am genuinely encouraged by you tonight and your love for the Lord, so much that you could care less about what other people (including those you have invested much of your time here with) say about you. i am convicted by your dedication to your ministry, regardless of the other things happening around you that may seem "cooler" or easier to do at the time. i am challenged by your persistent pursuance of others who are much different than yourself, because you know that is what God has called you to do, specifically in this season of life, but even continuing into our lives away from Master's, as we know that the church is not full of cool or fun or easy people to get along with, but that we are called to love them, and invest in them, regardless. yes, that was a run-on sentence. no, i do not care. i want to care about the body of Christ because they are my brothers and sisters in the Lord, not because they make me laugh or like the same music as me. because it reality, we share the most important thing in common that is ever known to man; we have the same common goal, desire, all driving-force:

to make Christ the very purpose of our lives.

i want to be more this way. thank you for being an example, as much as you think you're not.

okay, goodnight.

ain't this just like the present

saturday, 9/26

woke up at 11:30 am

watched youtube videos in my room (by myself)

ate tuna and crackers at 1:30 pm

sitting on the dirty floor

lauren came in

"it smells like fish"

she left soon after.

i left shortly, too

2:30 pm, or something

went to panera bread

did some homework plus

some renewing of the mind.

5:00 pm, jackson hole meeting

in the cafeteria

first social interaction all day

it was only an hour.

6:00pm, hid in the practice rooms

to release and refresh (while)

procrastinating on homework

played some smiths songs

and casiotone, too

thought about my day

and almost got depressed

then realized it was almost nine

and that i was going to a show

that i felt i should have been

more excited for

in two hours

two hours later

sunday, 9/27

twelve am, midnight

i was in a car with

four people:

awkward, quiet.

loud, fun.

(not quite what i expected)

an hour in a car

the national on the speakers

and six (or seven)

restroom attempts later

finally, passing though the gate

of the hollywood forever cemetery

surrounded by death

at nearly one in the morning

to witness (and be a part of)

something that made me feel so alive

spread out blankets,

on the cold cold (and somewhat wet) ground

watched creation sprout from the earth

from a bright light projected on a white wall

heard some music that made me miss

things i didn't know i felt

drank a monster earlier;

stayed awake pretty easy

kristen stepped in a muddy hole

surprised it wasn't me

luckily she was wearing boots

which i was not so wise to do

then the snow started falling

and we went closer to feel it on our faces

oh, i felt it alright

and it was more beautiful than imagined

when i sat in my room

the day before

listening to my life

sung by a man

who i will never meet.

and so tonight,

after finishing something for a meeting that i am about to have

in thirty minutes

i realized

that i had, subsequently

lived through some of the most

inconsequential

somewhat miserable

lonely, slow, lazy, mundane

twelves hours of my life

that i will soon forget once i finish writing

this

followed by

a series of the most

profound, powerful

incredible, memorable

brilliant, beautiful

twelve hours

i that have ever experienced.

and that i will (probably) always remember

for the rest of this vapor-like life

until my body of a grave is laid down along with the rest

of the names and faces on the stones

that i walked by, all alive

so many times

and that

thought alone

made me want to write this

very post.

the productivity of a lack of sleep

i (forsomereason)

stayed up until

lauren left for work

at four forty-five

this morning.

i do not have a logical explanation for this

but

here is what came of it.

or you can see it better, here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_2MyZOVvH8

polas that remind me of people

just found this in my drafts today on 1/7/10, and decided to post it. finally.

this

is

hard.

...philippians three.

i love the body of Christ

and how i can meet someone

not knowing anything about them

but by the end of a couple hours

over sushi, then chai tea

(an interesting mix, i know)

feel like they understand me more than many of the friends that i share oh-so much in common with

because she has the same life goal as i:

to honor Christ as Lord

love Him more than myself

live for Him above all

to make Him my everything.

and oh, it sounds so cliche

since that's what we all want, of course

but, (no, wait)

really, sincerely --

do we?

do i?

i love being reminded of what i was created for.

and my hope is, friends,

that i can help remind you of that, too.

but TODAY

i just want to hug everyone.

and talk about how good the Lord is.

(i'm exhausted; drained. emotional and thoughtful. i'm excited and apprehensive about the quickly upcoming months//weeks//days, and contemplative about the past. i've cried more and laughed harder in the last few weeks than i have in a long, long time. and i'm a female... what did you expect?)

i decided that i am going to pay t.j. five or ten or so dollars to draw me something to hang in my still-way-too-bleak-looking room. he stole my notebook tonight and started sketching, and came out with something i'd more expect to see on sweetman's blog than a piece of binder paper. (but i guess that's where much of creativity is honed?). anyway, he is getting really, really good. natalie, marcus and i all ended up semi-fighting over who would get to keep the drawing. marcus won, since it was much more of a masculine figure, and i decided that t.j. could just as easily draw me something closer to my personal taste than some random idea he just "had to get out of his head". not that what is in his head is by any means insufficient, but he was pretty excited at the idea of doing something "for commission" by request, as well. i am, too.

i think right now i just really don't feel like reading about the theology of christian counseling, making a forum post about the foundations of science, finishing something i have been making for a few days now, or, the thing i really need to do above all these: cleaning off my bed//cleaning up my room. yeah. every other day, it goes from looking like i am the biggest perfectionist to the sloppiest, laziest, "wow, i feel so bad for lauren" roommate ever, in a span of like, five minutes.

i am excited about tomorrow. tomorrow is wednesday. my easy day. last wednesday, i had chapel, did room checks, drove out to hollywood-ish area, worked for a lady for many more hours than expected, and then had coffee with peter, which led into the dinner hour, and after we visited kee-hyon at the church and jeremy at the house, we subsequently went to in and out. i honestly think that was the first time i had hung out with him just one-on-one since my junior year in high school, after we broke up. we continued to be alone a lot together initially after the break-up, as we were still committed to finishing our job at sacred heart fellowship doing the music worship together, but those were some of the hardest, most awkward times in my life. uhm, i guess until my sophomore year of college, that is.

however, those times, in high school i mean, were also some of the sweetest memories i have with my Lord. seriously. i cried nearly every day; i remember getting so excited the first time i didn't bawl my eyes out for a span of more than two days. i saw the Lord working in my heart like never before, and not at all because i knew the eventual outcome of my situation; i thought that peter breaking up with me was actually satan trying to ruin our wonderful, God-glorifying relationship that would someday lead into marriage. but i had no idea if i was right, of course. i guess i just knew i had nothing else. all my plans had been stripped away from me, and i only had two options: curse the Lord, run away from Him, blame Him for my unhappiness, because it isn't fair, or; run towards Him with everything i have and everything i am, because i have nothing left, and i have no one else. it was then that the Psalms became real to me:

"You are my Lord; apart from You i have no good thing" (16)

"the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (34)

"find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him" (62)

- my anthems.

the verses are still marked up in my pink and black checkered NIV bible, with semi-visible tear stains over the print. i finally knew Jesus as my lover, my comforter, my healer, my everything. He became real to me in a way that i had never known before, not even in my all-too-easily-glorified sophomore year of high school. i always knew that Jesus SHOULD be enough for me. and for a time, He was. that is, until he brought an amazing, godly, handsome, whatever-else-i-thought-at-the-time man into my life. then i thought, "this is what i've been missing, and i cannot live without him." so, he took him away.

just kidding.

that's not the only reason the Lord allowed that relationship to end. i will point out here, that i do not say, "allowed that relationship to fail." this is because, i do not believe it did so. someone might argue that all relationships that do not end in marriage fail, but i would like to challenge that notion. what is the definition of success? more so, what should be the definition of success for a Christian? from what i read in scripture, success is not measured by whether something has the outcome that we expected, desired, or makes sense - nor is it what others around us expect, desire, or makes sense to them. real, true success is measured by whether our decisions, actions, and reactions to the circumstances around us are filtered through a desire to honor the Lord or not. if we are all about our wants, our agendas, our personal plans and dreams, we can so easily forget the Lord. but, if we can pursue something and always be able to say as Christ demonstrated for us, "not as i will, but may Your will be done" - then, in whatever we do, we will succeed.

and once the Lord opened my eyes and revealed this to me, it was about same time that i was finally able to "let go" of peter. i realized that just because our relationship ended did not mean that it was a failure. if, in fact, we had done the best of our ability to honor the Lord in our relationship (in purity, speech, action, etc.), which i can confidently say that we did, what is it that i feared? God used this, then, to expose the real the heart of the issue: my fear of never getting married, never "finding someone" else, never having my dream life. etc.

so there it is. and the reality is plain and simple.

is my life about my desires, or God's desires for me?

is my life about my plans, or following God's plan for my life?

if my life about my life, or being an example of the life of my Redeemer, Jesus Christ, to everyone around me?

the answer is pretty obvious.

but every day i see myself failing to live this way.

and this -

this!

THIS, my friend

is why

our good, great, gracious God allows us to go through painful circumstances

awkward situations

heartbreaking trials

confusion and consequences

because He knows that we will not automatically live the way He intends us to.

the way we were created to.

He uses this to change us

to glorify Himself

to make us love Him more

which, in turn,

gives us more hope and peace

joy and purpose

than we would ever have experienced

had we gotten our own way in the first place.

and because of this truth, i can sit down with my ex-boyfriend, over four years later

and talk about what God has done - is doing in our lives

sympathize with one another about friends who have turned their backs on Him

encourage one another to persevere in the faith; to never loose sight of the call

and he can listen to me joyfully talk about the relationship the Lord has placed me in right now, at this time; all the while knowing in my heart that i do not need this relationship for my life to have meaning, purpose, or joy

and instead, it is because of the love of the Lord, for His glory, and His purpose that he has placed me where i am

and were this to ever change, as it did four years ago when i was seventeen,

then i will do the same as i did then, and cry out to my God

run to Him with all that i am

knowing that what i have on this earth, i do not need

but what i truly need, i will have for all of eternity

and oh, my God

because of this beautiful truth

i will sleep in peace tonight.

(psalm 4:7-8)

(i am still being sanctified)

but for the first time

in a long time

i feel like punching something

really hard

or swearing

while yelling,

and then

punching something really

really hard.

or driving

far

far

away.

and he said to me --

"it's beautiful to see your heart for Christ and i know we share that totally, but you have so much to offer the world and i feel like i have my path already set."

i do not have anything to offer more than anyone else.

especially not you.

"but you just see so much and feel so much"

that's true.

but it's all crazy, it's all false, it's all a dream.

but it is alright.

because it doesn't have to do with what i want or what you want or what anyone wants.

yes, it has to do with my heart.

and as i looked at the grape juice-filled communion cup, being held in the air between my thumb and index finger, my heart broke

and He asked me if my heart really belongs to Him -

(because if it doesn't, i have no business partaking in fellowship with Him)

and my tears fell into that plastic miniature cup as i cried out with no words:

"You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same"

and in that moment my sin became more evident than ever and the grace and love of Christ covered it more fully than i have ever let myself see in years

and while i don't know what tomorrow brings

or the next day

or where my life will be at the end of this,

because of His promises

i know one thing for certain:

He is changing my heart.

and that will not change.

my dreams will be ashes

oh, i think of things so lovely and fun

and i imagine my life, were it to follow suit

of the pictures i've painted in my head for years:

an apartment in a two-story building; downtown LA

taking bus rides into cities we've only heard names of

or seen on the big screens

flying through midnight freeways when the only ones on the road are the successfully driven, the drunkards, and us

we take some kind of comfort in the blinding beams of the street lamps and traffic lights

(not to mention the sound of the train's horn)

we drift around the sidewalks, all high on our impulsive nature: the life of the vagabond sounds so audaciously appealing, so we spend the night on the corner near the library (where i first met my friends with the dog and bad hand-done tattoos)

we catch the first train we lay our eyes on

we run though the fields that have not yet been trodden

we spend nights under the blankets of stars (or sometimes in cars)

because, dear,

we're the heirs to the glimmering world. and we wear it in our cheeks.

so we wander

thriving on spontaneity, feeding our impulsive lusts with carefree talks of what might come

what might happen

what might kill us

or make us feel more alive than we've ever known

but then we will come back to our house

with polaroids and 35-mm prints lining the walls

tucked in wooden frames from thrift stores,

next to the window adorned with lace

and sit at the dining room table,

fresh cut flowers in a vase from my mother's house

and fresher coffee steaming in two cups

(but one is chipped from wear, of course)

and we'll talk about music

and laugh about movies

and we'll say all the things

we never got a chance to say

reminiscing for hours

about our adventures

(and we'll stay there long into the evening when the crickets play their harps and the cars sound louder on the streets)

and this is how we will live.

happily, fondly -- mistakenly

(as in the dream)

and all the while,

our thoughts are all our own

through every city

we ask what we shall do

in each back alley,

we'll take the risks

across the country

for our personal delight

the unplanned and unstructured life,

so romanced

and free

it's everything i want,

and everything you want

it's all that we've dreamt of

and talked about so long

it's what life is about

and the things we always said

and it has nothing

at all

to do

with

eternity.

and then

when we make

the pearly gates,

and stand before the Throne of splendor

my life will look like death

all the treasure i've stored up will engulf in flames

brilliant embers at my feet

my dreams will be ashes

and all those years

pleasant, precious, perfect, years

will gather into a magnificent heap of cinder on the floor

oh, GOD

my eyes want such fantastic things

and

just because they don't show up on the billboards doesn't mean they mean something

more than all the other things

we always say are such futile "things"

while i neglect the only Thing

that should be my Everything

and yeah, i have no words left

what a cop-out, i know

and i can't speak of truth

when my heart is so black

but i know where it's found

so i'll cry out to You:

be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart

naught be all else to me; save that Thou art

Thou my best thought, by day or by night

waking or sleeping, Thy presence: my light.

riches i heed not; nor man's empty praise

Thou mine inheritance, now and always

Thou and Thou only, first in my heart;

High King of Heaven: my treasure, Thou art.

High King of heaven, my victory won

may i reach heaven's joys; O bright heaven's Son!

Heart of my own heart, whatever befall:

still be my vision, O Ruler of all.

i want to go to a park and lie under a tree and with leaves scattered around me i'll fall asleep in the shade

i love my rd

"for me, a lot of it comes down to the sad fact that i honestly just want what i can't have. like, all the time. with everything. clothes, jobs, guys. and when i get what i want, i see it for what it is, and i'm like, 'this is what i wanted so badly? bummer.' and God shows me again that all i really cared about was not God's best, but my own sinful cravings, and desire for attention. it doesn't matter what it is. but that's a sin that plagues me wherever i go, with everything i interact with, and i have to purposefully guard against it or i will be sucked into that trap again and again."

she said something like that, something close to that affect, and i wanted to cry, and say, 

"see there, that's it. oh God, i'm so sorry. that is me. that's the answer to everything."

but instead i just said, "yeah, i understand. i probably need to guard against that, too."

i don't understand myself sometimes

"i'm trying to pull the daggers out of my heart, but death is unavoidable, dearest."

i don't know why, but this sentence suddenly evoked feelings of deep interest and appreciation, even though i disagreed with him about the point he was making.

my God, my God

You'd better show me what You want soon because i'm so lost.

(i've only ever loved myself, but i've loved myself so well)

i need You. NOW.

a friend told me not to look too deeply or introspectively at my sin.

because sometimes we get there, and that is all we can see - 

so we stay there, focusing on guilt and self-loathing, 

consequently,

sitting right in the center of satan's plan for us

(always, to focus on self, rather than the Savior)

i feel like my heart is empty but i have longings and dreams i've never known before

yet i don't know what's selfishness, and what's personal preference.

one thing i do know for certain, though:

the Lord God is a jealous Lover

He will not share my affections with any person or thing

He wants my desires for Him, and 

right now, i cannot say that is the case.

so at this point in time, i know what i am to pursue

(and nothing else) --

intimacy with my Redeemer, 

affection with my Father, 

obedience to my Master,

devotion to my Savior.

Jesus Christ, You dry the tears, 
You break my heart of stone 
Your words are life - 

cut marrow through the darkness, to the bone 
a heart of flesh You gave me 
only You can save me.

death will give us back to God just like the setting sun is returned to the lonesome ocean.

sometimes i want that sooner than later.

but -

oh, my morning's coming back, the whole world's waking up
all the city buses swimming past i'm happy just because 
i found out i am really no one 

please dry, red eyes. all is not lost. all is gone, but not lost.

my hope is in the Lord alone, in Him is my strength and my salvation.

He only is my rock, i will not be greatly shaken.

or something like that.

she's memorizing that verse(s)

i think i should too.

ALL THE FITNESS HE REQUIRETH IS TO FEEL YOUR NEED FOR HIM

and when i don't

when i am saturated by self-sufficiency

and blinded by my own mind

thinking that i know more about my life than You

then You will again show me my sin, and bring me back

(i am never satisfied in myself. i was not created for this. i am not my own.)

oh Lord i needed this.

You know i needed this.

sometimes i can't believe the words that come out of her mouth

and i want to have a heart that longs after you like she does

i need Thee every hour, and i want to live that way

i can make decisions because i have placed my life in your hands

therefore

i am no longer worried

i am no longer scared

i love being in dixon because it is the last place i want to be

and it is a magnificent feeling 

knowing i am right where You want me

i didn't mean to make that rhyme but i don't even care, anymore.

(i just want my heart to be in the place you want it, too.)

i don't really feel anything right now, either, anymore

i'm tired of up and down emotions

and trying to trust myself with the decisions in my life

i just want the Truth. 

i just want You.

and today is a good day because my God is in control.

abel

well my mind's not right my mind's not right my mind's not right my mind's not right

awake

i didn't have coffee tonight but i'm still as awake as you, my friend

my heart is restless and wild and my head is racing to keep up

i am excited to see your face tomorrow and curious as to what the day will bring

i'm apprehensive about this semester but will look ahead with confidence and joy

tonight was epic, in a looser sense of the word, but in many ways

i will be happy to share a room with you and then share our lives with others

sometimes i don't know what certain emotions mean

i don't know myself as well as i thought

scraps of newspaper and magazine clippings are all strewn across my bed

i am exhausted, but happy, and content

i just made something beautiful and i think i made someone smile.

unstable

i should be excited; i should be optimistic.

i should be looking forward to this week,

thankful for the awesome people i get to hang out with, the rad opportunities God's given me, and the ways that He's using me. i should be at peace because of the beautiful fact that He provides for me.

but i'm not.

i'm burdened, upset, stressed, and just want this week to be over.

i'm sick of spirit west coast and it hasn't even started yet; i'm frustrated at all the little things happening around me that i didn't plan for, and even though i'm around a zillion people, the one person that i am missing more than anything is a few hundred miles away.

i'm a selfish brat, and God is making me more like Himself this week.

because that's what He does during weeks like these.

pray for me that i won't be so self-focused that i'll miss what He's doing. 

i want to know Him more, and i want to use this ridiculous, intense, stressful week to let Him show me more of Himself.

because that's so much more beautiful than getting everything to go my way.

my utmost for his highest:

july 13 --

"My vision of God is dependent upon the condition of my character. My character determines whether or not truth can be revealed to me. Before i can say, 'I saw the Lord', there must be something in my character that conforms to the likeness of God. Until I am born again and really begin to see the kingdom of God, I only see from the perspective of my own biases. What I need is God's surgical procedure--His use of external circumstances to bring about internal purification.

Your priorities must be God first, God second, and God third, until you life is continually face to face with God and no one else is taken into account whatsoever. Your prayer will then be, 'in all the world there is no one but You, dear God; there is no one but You.'"

amen.

i want You, Jesus.

in all i dream of and desire,

what i truly want is You.

I WILL NOT

in years from now, say to the Lord:

"Lord, i wished i just trusted You then, as i see now what You were doing so clearly. if only i had remembered that You are in control, and You are loving, and You are making all things good in Your sight -- then, i would have had peace, and i would have not feared, and i would have been okay, even through the long nights and the tears. even through the emptiness and the pain."

i refuse to say 

"if only i had trusted the Lord..."

i am, however, saying

"i choose to trust You, now."

i said the same thing four years ago, in may of two thousand and five, when my world came crashing down. my hopes. my dreams. my wishes and deepest desires that were good in the sight of the Lord. i knew He was not punishing me. i knew He was sovereign, i knew He was good. and yet i still trembled at the thought of losing something i held so dear to me.

and now, still knowing the sovereignty of the most High and most loving God, i weep on my dirty carpeted floor at the thought of losing something even more precious to me than when i was seventeen. someone i cannot with words describe all of my love, respect, gratitude, and affections for. he is my best friend; the person with whom i wanted to spend all the rest of my life.

but that person pales in comparison to the Person who is my everything.

the One who holds my future in His hands, and who understands all i feel (completely).

(the only One who knows me, yet still loves, completely).

and tonight my prayers go up to Him in song, and His praises echo in my heart

they may not be traditional, but they are my soul's cry

"i'm still waiting for You to be the One i'm waiting for"

(something tells me this is going to make sense. something tells me it's going to take patience.)

and while the temptation to scream the lyrics of number twelve are there, the God i serve is so much greater than mere emotion. and so instead, i cry:

let it all out, get it all out

rip it out, remove it

don't be alarmed when the world begins to bleed

cause we're so scared to find out what this life's all about

so scared we're going to lose it

(and knowing all along, that's exactly what we need)

and today i'll trust You with the confidence

of a man who's never known defeat

but tomorrow upon hearing what i did,

i will stare at You in disbelief

(oh, inconsistent me - crying out for consistency)

and You said, "i know that this will hurt,

but if I don't break your heart,

things will just get worse.

if the burden seems too much to bear,

remember,

the end will justify the pain it took to get us there."

and i'll let it be known

in times i have shown

the signs of all my weakness

but somewhere in me, there is strength

and You promised me

that You believed

in time i will defeat this

cause somewhere in me, there is strength

[and that strength is only from You, my God]

and today i'll trust You with the confidence

of a man who's never known defeat

and i'll try my best to just forget

that that man isn't me

and You said, "i know that this will hurt,

but if I don't break your heart,

things will just get worse.

if the burden seems too much to bear,

remember,

the end will justify the pain it took to get us there."

reach out to me, and make my heart brand new

every beat will beat for You

for You

and i know You know You've touched my life

and when You touched my heavy heart,

You made it light.