it's been on my heart for a while; now i'm transferring it to the keys

the following was written partly because it's something i've been thinking through for a long time, and partly in response to this post.

...oh, yes. of course. you can only imagine how this one ends. it's classic. so romantic. just like a scene out of the notebook. or, for those of us less thrilled by the more hollywood-hyped films, perhaps something from eternal sunshine? maybe even a with a little wes anderson vibe? any way you spin it, they’re all the same. they're perfect. there's a reason we are drawn to them. they make damn good stories.

but in the end, that’s all they are. stories. books. movies. and we want them. we want to be in them. we want what they have. we want our lives and relationships and moments to look just like them, because obviously, that's what real love looks like. of course, that's what is really important. it's what makes relationships work. and grow. and last.

...and we couldn't be more wrong.


it doesn't, they don't, and no. and the sooner you realize that, the better off you are. that, i can promise you.


but why should you listen to me? what do i know?

i know what this feels like.

or at least, i used to know. i’ve stood at my doorstep, body shaking. i’ve had four am conversations sharing hearts and dreams and secrets. i’ve had songs written about me; beautiful poems. letters. i’ve been the lost love. i’ve been that girl. and sometimes, something brings it back, and i start to remember the feeling, vaguely. but honestly, it's not something i want to remember, anymore. having lived nearly two years of it at one point in my life, having thrown everything away for what i thought i knew i wanted, having gone against better judgment and advice and believing the words of a smart, charming boy over the words of reason… i've come to find out that in the end, it's empty. those things that you so cherished all come crumbling down when push comes to shove. when it gets hard. when she’s not as pretty. when he’s getting on your nerves. when you’re tired. when it’s not fun anymore. when life is normal. all those beloved moments of picturesque romance, the conversations with such witty banter it could have come from a high-budget indie film, the looks and words and touches carried out so perfectly it felt surreal?

you want to know the truth?

when it’s not backed up with real love, they don't mean anything.

and sure, everyone wants those moments. we want to be adored and sought after and have someone stare into our eyes as if we’re the only person on the earth worth looking at. but in reality, anyone can copy what they see in the movies. all it takes is throwing away any inhibition you may have, with maybe a little bit of insanity, and depending on your methods of choice, possibly a couple hundred dollars in gas money. because if you know that these grandiose (read: ridiculous) acts will get you what you want, what wouldn’t you do? even if you don’t get the girl in the end, you’ll be the melodramatic hero. you’ll still have a story that any hopeless romantic would die for. justin vernon could write a song (or a whole album) about it, probably.

(i know it well.)

and, sure. it's one thing to say, "of course what happens in the movies isn't real life. we know that." but when you're in the middle of living out something that makes the scene from the royal tenenbaums (with margot and richie and the perfect nico song in the background) a mundane occurrence, it's a lot harder to keep your head out of the clouds.

therefore, unless you realize that relationships are not a series of one perfect moment to the next, and are a lot more work than you ever (EVER) had imagined or heard, you will be living in a dreamworld. you will be continually disappointed. you will look for something that doesn't exist, and you will never be satisfied. you will have a skewed perspective of how someone should love you, and you will never learn how to really love someone else. you see, smaller acts of kindness often say a lot more about a person's character, more about his motives, and more about how he really loves rather than those epic moments of romantic glory... even the sacrificial ones. because in reality, lasting relationships take the kind of daily, continual sacrifice that actually doesn't look all that romantic on a big screen or sound all that beautiful when you talk about it.
 but, these are the things that matter. that are real. that count. 
things like listening when you don't want to. things like saying you're sorry when it isn't a big deal to you (but it is to her). things like letting him have space when he doesn't feel like holding you for hours (and not pouting about it later). things like communicating about what's bothering you, and things like hearing the other person out even when you don't agree. things like not expecting him to read your mind, and things like trying to understand her even if you think you never will. things like not making assumptions. things like considering the other person before yourself. things like being careful about how you speak to each other, even when you're angry. things like tone. things like body language. things like attitude. things like patience. kindness. gentleness. humility. not being rude, self-seeking, or easily angered. not keeping a record of the wrongs done against you, but forgiving. being truthful. protecting. trusting. hoping. enduring.

…and that, my friends, is real. that, is love.

updatetimemaybe

alright.

i've been home for exactly a week now, and my fears of not having friends has nearly completely ceased.

(i am so blessed.)

it would take a novel (or at least a couple more hours of staying up, which i don't want to do) in order to write in detail about the ways God has shown me His love and provision in my life. the most prominent of ways has been with my amazing friends who love Him and (in turn) love me. i am reconnecting with people i've barely spoken to in years or thought may have hated me, and having the most blessed times of fellowship i could ever imagine. i am starting a job with very good pay in my own home church, often hitching rides with my mother and getting to work out with her in the mornings as well. i will be (HOPEFULLY) getting my car fixed tomorrow, and next weekend i am going back down to LA to see one of my absolute favorite bands play a show in which i have FLOOR tickets to (which was not the case last time). and tomorrow evening, jessica is coming over to do a photoshoot for my etsy store which i am finally (slowly) starting up again.

speaking of jess, sunday night was the most relaxing and enjoyable time i've had in so long, and tuesday night with brittany was just unexpectedly amazing, full of wholehearted laughs, tears, and just wonderful fellowship. (i have missed you both more than i can put into words, and i cannot even express just how thankful i am to Jesus for having you both back in my life.)

this week has been relaxing and fantastic and there is not much i can really complain about (aside from not having a car i guess... ha). i have done nothing and yet got a lot done, and have even been on my computer long enough to sell some books on amazon, order things from ebay, and have relatively edifying (and awesomely sarcastic) conversations over facebook chat, aim, and skype. in fact, i have had two absolutely amazing nights in a row, though for completely different reasons.

and yet... i miss LA. i do. but after some thoughtful consideration, i've come to the conclusion that rather than the places themselves, i actually miss the people and the experiences i had with those certain people at those certain places more than anything else. i miss burbank and ventura and hollywood and santa clarita not because of the location, but because of the associations i have with them. i remember the feeling i used to get at sundown, or with late night drives into the city. i remember the anticipation i felt after a day of school, knowing that shortly after i would be getting to take a trip to jamba juice or going exploring or having "study" time at denny's. and i miss those times already. i miss those people i shared those times with. for instance, i really miss what i would have been doing on this very friday night/saturday morning, were i still in the LA area - hanging out/giving tacos/ministering to the homeless folk on skid row. those were some of the most amazing times i had right before leaving master's, and it's hard to know i won't be doing that practically ever again, at least not on a consistent basis. there is nothing more incredible than being used by God in the most evident of ways, especially when you least expect it.

and now, i'm sitting on the floor in my room thinking about all this, in awe at how my life got to be where it is - in these last three years, in this last semester, in the short two months when everything changed from what i thought my life would look like. but i'm okay with that now. no, i'm thankful for it. God knows what He's doing with my life, even if i couldn't be more clueless. and even though i might not know everything, i do know what the Lord is asking from me in a lot of ways, the most clearly being that which is in His Word. it's just hard to remember at times that the things i actually need to know are the very things He's already given to me - in His truth, and the ways He's growing me in my life - and this is what i must not neglect. the rest is not in my control. and, well, i'm kind of glad that's the case... because i'm pretty glad about where my life is right now.

(even if it doesn't all completely make sense yet.)

- koontz

truly,

i am starting to think that fellowship is the greatest blessing we have been given on this earth, second to knowing Christ and studying the Word.

(and i'm overwhelmingly thankful that i've been able to experience so much of it lately.)

confused

is a good word for it.

this one is my favorite from the night,

and so i decided to share it with you.

a few things.

for one, last night sure didn't suck. at all. in fact it was pretty enjoyable. and by that, i mean really enjoyable. so that was awesome.

two, i finished my senior thesis. thirty pages, single spaced, on the topic of self-deceit. i would give a general explanation of what my paper/project consisted of and what it's main points were, but that is pretty much the last thing i want to do right now. if you're really curious, ask me and i'll tell you some other time. or just email it to you. in all it's thirty-page glory.

three, i still don't have a car. and i know it's no one's fault but my own, first of all for crashing it, and secondly for not having money to be able to just pay for it to get fixed. although i'm sure that even if i did my father and brother would have scoffed at that and said how ridiculous it would be for me to pay for someone to fix it when they could do it themselves. however, that has not been able to happen yet, for numerous reasons, some of which are: sickness, races, and weather. so, i probably will remain car-less until graduation. which is not what i had been hoped and had been told. but again - can't blame anyone else, really. besides maybe the weather. yeah, stupid weather.

and yet, of course, there are a few things that i would still like to do one last time before i leave the los angeles area somewhat indefinitely. however, in light of my lack-of-car, the majority of these things will most likely NOT happen. unfortunately. even so, i will list my heart's little last wishes:

- spend a day at the ventura thrift stores (with the company of the lovely mrs. erin howard)

- rummage the jet rag sunday morning sale (and take my dear friends elizabeth and anna with me)

- find and spend an afternoon at some coffee shop in hollywood/LA, by myself or with one other person (i.e. kristen)

- take stuff to buffalo exchange

- see a movie at the new beverly cinema with some pals

- check out whatever's at amoeba

- go to another hardcore show (and NOT get in a wreck on the way there)

- go to any show

- go to santa monica (though on second thought that might actually not be a good idea for me at this point in time in my life)

- hang out with some folks at skid row on a sunday afternoon or a friday night with the master's group

- visit the burbank dollar bookstore, along with other fun little burbank stores

- visit my friends at APU

- visit my friends in pasadena

- get (somewhat) dressed up and go out. i don't care where. i don't care what we do. i just want to walk around and feel pretty and explore the city again, with someone i feel comfortable with. someone i can talk to. someone who sees the little traces of beauty that's left in this trashy, commercialized, sad place... and wants to seek out and enjoy every last bit of it.

four--

on that note:

i have learned

that it is in fact possible

to have the best day and the worst day

of your entire week/month/semester/year

on the same day.

for (basically) the same reasons.

oh Lord. what do i do, now?

i cannot wait

to be done.

why does this always happen?

where i'll set out to do merely get some homework done, but instead, i end up crying and asking the Lord for forgiveness because i'm so freaking convicted from some mere counseling book i'm reading for a stupid class.

(i'm starting to think they do this on purpose...)

anyway.

i know this is a lot of words. so, don't read it if you don't think you have time. but, friends, if you have time to mess around on facebook and blogs and tumblrs and whatever else you fill your afternoon with, maybe you might just have time to read this thing which could make you think. perhaps.

...But seek first His kingdom, and these things will be given to you ask well.

Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear our, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Luke 12

"How incredibly tender! how patient. He calls us his little flock, aware that life holds many dangers. He reminds us that the Creator knows the details of creation. He is close and involved...

And he is not just interested in the big picture of your life. He knows trivia such as the hairs on your head. To have that kind of knowledge, someone must be present with the person and have immense care for him or her. Casual acquaintances are satisfied with knowing the basic outline of your life. Intimate friends want to know all the details.

Then Jesus asks, with tongue in cheek, if anxiety really helps...He is suggesting that the situation is not as dire as we think. He can make light of it because He knows that there is no need to worry. He is the loving shepherd. He will not leave, and He will never sleep.

'You trust me,' He says. 'I will worry about tomorrow.' Then, in a beautiful and persuasive conclusion, he reminds us that He is a generous God who not only gives the kingdom to his children but is pleased to do so.

This raises two questions. First, what is the kingdom? The kingdom is everything God promises His children: love, joy, peace, patience, His presence, forgiveness, adoption into His family, the hope of being free from sin, and being with our Father, the King.

Second, is the kingdom that important to you? Perhaps you already believe that God is pleased to give you the kingdom, but the kingdom doesn't sound that great. Perhaps you have your heart set on something else. You believe that 'my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus' (phil. 4:9), but you aren't so certain that He will supply all your wants.

This is how idolatry grows in our hearts. We want things and we aren't sure God will give them to us, so we put our trust in other gods. This is THE problem of the human heart -- misplaced trust. We value, love, and trust something in creation more than the Creator, and since there is nothing in creation that is intended to bear the weight of our trust, we are bound to live in fear.

All other loves must be subordinate to your love for Christ. This may sound like God is demanding our love, and that is true to a point. But the reason we are to love Him more than all other is that, among the many suitors for our affections, He alone is worthy of such love.

How do you turn back to the One who truly loves you? It is called repentance. Your acknowledge your wrong in pursuing false gods, and you set out to know the beauty of the true God who patiently pursues you."

amen.

alright. i'm finally saying it.

...i miss being able to talk about the Lord and not feel like i have to give a million disclaimers preceding my conversation, like:

“i know this seems cliché, but…”
“i’m sorry this sounds cheesy, but…”
“i know everyone says this, but…”
“not to sound Masters-y, but…”

i miss being able to talk about the Lordship of Christ in one’s life, about the heart being the main issue, about having a love relationship with Jesus, about selfish desires and godly motives and bible passages and mutual encouragement without fearing someone is thinking (or actually saying to me) --
“well of course you’d say that, you’re a biblical counseling major.”

i’m tired of trying so hard not to fall into some Christian stereotype that i start to neglect Christ Himself.

i’m sick of this attitude that so fears being equated with the homeschool girl down the hall to the point where i avoid voicing my own desire to be in women’s ministry.

i’m honestly fed up with our embarrassment of the Christian pop culture, so we quickly run to the other side, whole-heartedly embracing the morally lenient and indulgent culture of this world.

i’m exhausted. i’m drained. and so, i’m done.

i am a Christian. i sound cheesy sometimes. i’m not cool. i get overly exicted about trivial things. i laugh a lot. i love phil wickham, relient k, and five iron frenzy. their lyrics make me fall on my knees and cry before the Lord in worship, or (with the latter) fall on the ground in laughter. i talk really fast at times, especially, when i’m extremely passionate about something. i get excited about God doing wonderful things in my life and lives of others, and am often extremely passionate about it; therefore, to the point of talking really fast. i like taking drives into nowhere and talking about how beautiful the sunset is because the Lord has made it. i love talking to high school girls about Jesus being their lover and how they should wait for a boy who loves God more than he loves girls. i’ll dance around like an idiot at times; sometimes because i’m just that happy, sometimes because i’m just a nerd. i care more about lyrics in worship than the music sounding good, and i try really hard to worship the Lord as passionately as i would if the song was to my liking. i believe that God does “open” and “close” doors, that He can work through circumstances, and that He even uses our screw-ups, because His heart is about glorifying Himself and working out things for our good. i believe the Lord has a plan for me, but that He cares more about me obeying Him in what He has already told me is His will for me in His Word, than having some self-fulfilled future based on my own dreams and agendas. i believe that Christ is my fulfillment, my joy, my everything – though i struggle to remember this daily. my best and closest friendships are with those who mutually encourage one another towards love and good deeds, who share with me what the Lord is doing in their lives and ask me about what He’s doing in mine, who really pray for me and ask me to pray for them, and who aren’t afraid to talk about the Jesus like He really is King, Savior, Lord, and Love of their life.

i don’t care how cheesy that sounds.

i don’t care how cliché that sounds.

i don’t care how Christian-y or Maters-y or Biblical Counseling-ish that sounds.

that is me. that is who i am, and that is the God i serve.

(and i’m not just okay with that. i’m ecstatic about it.)

well, i certainly have a newfound appreciation for dr. mcarthur...

"For a Christian to be willfully unforgiving is unthinkable. We who have been forgiven by God Himself have no right to withhold forgiveness from our fellow sinners. In fact, Scripture plainly commands us to forgive in the same manner as we have received forgiveness: "Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ has forgiven you" (Eph. 4:32).

Since God commands us to forgive others, refusing to do so is an act of direct disobedience against Him. Let me say it plainly: refusing to forgive is a horrible sin.

Forgiveness reflects the character of God. Unforgiveness is therefore ungodly. That means that unforgiveness is no less an offense to God than fornication or drunkenness, even though sometimes it is deemed more acceptable. Certainly it is more frequently found in the open among the people of God than the sins we typically regard as heinous. But Scripture is clear that God despises an unforgiving spirit."

- The Freedom & Power of Forgiveness, Dr. John McArthur

get this book. every one of you. seriously.

remember, o my soul:

(this is all that matters.)

how deep the Father's love for us,
how vast beyond all measure!
that He should give His only Son,
to make a wretch His treasure.

how great the pain of searing loss;
the Father turns His face away
as wounds which mar the chosen One
bring many sons to glory.

behold! the Man upon a cross-
my sin upon His shoulders;
ashamed, I hear my mocing voice
call out among the scoffers.

it was my sin that held Him there,
until it was accomplished;
His dying breath has brought me life:
I know that it is finished.

I will not boast in anything-
no gifts, no power, no wisdom;
but I will boast inJesus Christ,
His death and resurrection.

why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer;
but this I know with all my heart:
His wounds have paid my ransom.

i guess it can't last forever

i just spent the last hour of my life reading blogs from a girl whom i used to be semi-good friends with in high school. i guess, though, you're kind of semi-good friends with everyone when you go to a school with only sixty-something students. but regardless. reading her words was so encouraging, yet, triggered that nostalgic sadness that always seems to overwhelm me when i come home on weekends and sit in my room and am alone. and i turned down all the picture frames staring me in the face, reminding me of what i thought my life was going to be like, now telling me i was wrong. so wrong. and i'll cry about it, and wish to re-do the last three years of my life, but that won't solve anything. it never does. so reading emma's words, about her and josh and what the Lord did with that, was encouraging, but also-- well. i can't be too vulnerable over the internet. but i want that. i want that so badly. and i know the Lord gives me the desires of my heart, when my desires are in line with His good and perfect and pleasing will for my life. and i want that too, i really do. i want to stop living for myself and thinking about myself, and i want to accomplish the good work that God has set out for me to do.

...but it would be really nice if i was able to do that with someone alongside me; leading me, holding my hand, someone i can trust, praying with me and for me, serving, loving, enjoying, enduring, and just doing life with me.

(my heart is soft again tonight.)

and while i'm somewhat frustrated with myself that i'm not as gung-ho about life as i was last night, i need not get too discouraged. the Lord knows i needed this. He knows my sappy, emotional heart will only keep me running back to Him, falling on my knees, begging for mercy and for Him to reveal Himself to me once again. and i know that He will, showing me His love and grace in only ways that He can.

and i know, really truly, that is all i need.

well.

the last two days have been filled with too much joy to just let that sad post sit there like that.

just to list a few reasons:

- four relatively long, incredibly edifying/encouraging/Christ-focused phone conversations with people i love, getting me even more excited about coming back home to monterey.

- a few texting interactions with some people i haven't talked to in forever, again, making me so looking forward to reconnecting with them and hearing about what God's been doing with their lives.

- even hearing about sad news in the church (as a whole, not shoreline specifically or anything), was still encouraging, as i heard how godly men and women (including some of my very closest friends) handled these things in a biblical and loving manner.

- for some reason, being more passionate and hungry for the Word of God than i have been in so long. i cannot stop talking about it, writing about it, thinking about it, asking about it. something inside of me has changed, and i never want to go back.

- on top of all of this random great fellowship already, many of these aforementioned individuals i've alluded to, i will be privileged enough to do ministry with in the near future (mid-may). i cannot wait for this. of course by that, i mean, i can wait - it just makes me that much more eager to graduate. yet, in the midst of my ready-to-be-home-NOW-ness, the Lord has healed and blossomed some old and many new friendships with girls here at masters. i haven't had this much fun hanging out with the girls on my wing since the very first month or so of school (september). they are SO freaking rad. i love them. and while i'm tempted to get discouraged about my lack of pursuit of them earlier this semester, as someone told me a few weeks ago, i need to not worry about that now. worrying does nothing for the Lord. instead, i need to take what God has obviously given me, and be faithful with that. i need to run hard for Christ NOW, not say "oh, i'll do that when i get home and don't have all these papers to write" - because life will always be busy. and therefore, part of my faithfulness to the Lord now, with my last five weeks of school ahead of me, is pouring into the girls around me for as long as i'll get to have them living next door, across the way, and down the hall. God put them around me for a reason, and i want to find out what that is, even in this short time i have left.

gah. i'm so thankful i could explode. i don't understand this, though -- but with the Lord, i guess it makes perfect since. i haven't been able to go a day without crying - that is, seriously bawling my eyes out - since thursday, the 18th. i now sit here, april 1st (at 1am, that is), and the last two days, i haven't cried at all. not once. not even tears. just joy. just this amazing peace, assurance, confidence, and hope from Christ. He is all i need. and right now, He is all i want. honest. i couldn't say that two days ago. i wanted to want Him alone, but i wanted other things, too. so badly. and of course i struggle with that daily, but He has been so faithful. i didn't expect Him to show me His love so abundantly like this so fast. i was hurting so much. but now, my heart is full, and i am in love with my God. and i am in awe at how, in the words of my roommate, "the ways He provides little graces...the way He loves [me] better than anyone else ever could."

friends, get to know your Lord. the world tastes so stale and bitter and lifeless compared to His pure, perfect, completely satisfying love. and every time i doubt that, He reminds me again, when i ask Him. and even sometimes when i don't. but i beg you: ask Him.

"Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good!

Blessed is the man who takes refuge in HIm!

Oh, fear the LORD, you His saints,

for those who fear HIm have no lack!

The young lions suffer want and hunger,

but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing."

psalm 34:8-10

(the first passage i have now underlined in my newly re-upholstered esv bible.)

goodnight, all.

and now, friends, a not-so-friendly reminder

people are dark.

people are wicked.

people are selfish.

people don't care, they don't love, and they aren't honest.

and were it not for the Holy Spirit, i would never trust anyone.

including myself.

homework haiku

"the excellent wife" -

the only homework that i

do not hate doing.

a friendly reminder

it's much easier to thoughtlessly (and sinfully) complain than to lovingly (and biblically) confront.

(try to remind yourself of that the next time you start to recount to someone else all the horrible things someone has done to you. it may stop you mid-sentence. or at least, it probably should.)

theo II homework time

(note: i wrote this right after it happened. my clock is not wrong.)

about two minutes ago, at the lyon’s starbucks at 9:21pm, i was being watched. i was reading the book, “saved by grace”, by Anthony A. Hoekema. a girl had been looking my way for a few minutes. soon after, she was standing up. now, she was directly behind me. not knowing what was going on, i turn around; i see her. we make eye contact. i turn back to what i’m doing; she stays there. i start to turn around again, this time more confused. she then comes alive, kind of laughs, and says, “oh, i’m sorry, i’m just being nosy.” i said i didn’t mind at all, and that i can be the same way but i’m not as bold to ever do anything about it. she asked what book it was; i showed her the cover. she asked what class it was for; i said theology. she says, “oh wow, how are you liking that?” i say, “well, it’s a DS – direct study – so all i do is read books and write papers, but it’s really interesting and good stuff.” she says, “well what is that book about?” i say, “this is one of five that i have to read for this class. it’s about an aspect of Christian theology, how it is God’s grace alone that saves people, and not their works or other religious stuff people try to do.” she kind of cocked her head a bit. “wow, really? i’ve never heard that before... well, thanks for letting me be nosy! hope you do well in your class!” and before i could say anything else, she pranced back off to her friends.

i didn’t evangelize. i didn’t give her the complete gospel message including Christ’s crucifixion and resurrection after three days. i didn’t explain total depravity or the fall of man. but i couldn’t stop thinking how thankful i was for that brief little interaction. God is so good. and i’m so glad i came to starbucks to do homework tonight.

thank you, edward t. welch:

"instead of teaching us how to identify the [reasons why we are] suffering, Scripture directs us to the God who knows all things and is fully trustworthy. in other words, Scripture doesn't give us knowledge so that we will have intellectual mastery of certain events; it gives us knowledge so that we would know and trust God. 'God, i don't know what You are doing, but You do, and that is enough.'"

"you are standing at a crossroads and you will take one path or another. there is no such thing as not choosing, because 'not choosing' is one of the paths. it too is a choice. your decision is between calling out to the Lord or not...You can sit in silence or cry out the Lord. you can cry on your bed or cry out to the Lord. these are the two choices."

"....'i have lost the most important thing in life' could be reinterpreted as, 'God is not enough.'"

"the challenge for us is to think as God thinks. in other words, our present thinking must be turned upside-down. we once thought that suffering was to be avoided at all costs; now, we must understand that the path to becoming more like Jesus goes through hardship, and it is much better than the path of brief and superficial comfort without Jesus."

"humility says, 'God owes me nothing.' 'He is not my servant; i am His.' 'God is God, and He has the right to do anything He wants.'"

"Love produces hope. If we, in our misery, are absolutely persuaded of God's love, we will be confident that He will deliver us. Therefore, we hope in Him. We can wait as long as it takes, because we are sure that He hears us and loves us. He will come. He will deliver...God's love inspires both an eagerness to be with Him and a confidence that He is true to His Word, so we know that He will come."

out of the depths i cry to you, O LORD;

O Lord, hear my voice.

let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy.

if You, O LORD, kept a record of sins,

O Lord, who could stand?

But with You there is forgiveness;

therefore You are feared.

i wait for the LORD, my soul waits,

and in HIs Word i put my hope.

my soul waits for the Lord

more than the watchmen wait for the morning,

more than the watchmen wait for the morning.

O Israel, put your hope in the LORD,

for with the LORD is unfailing love

and with Him is full redemption.

He Himself will redeem Israel from all their sins.

words i've heard before, but no less true

and You said, "I know that this will hurt, but if I don't break your heart, things will just get worse. when the burden seems too much to bear, remember: the end will justify the pain it took to get us there."

reach out to me, and make my heart brand new.

every beat will beat for You. for You.

and i know You know You've touched my life

and when You touched my heavy heart,

You made it light.

and though i've said them a thousand times,

i know He never will reject me when i cry out these words

for the thousand-and-one --

in the chaos; in confusion, i know You're sovereign, still

in the moment of my weakness, You give me grace to do Your will

so when You call, i won't delay

this my song for all my days

there is no one else for me,

none but Jesus

crucified to set me free,

now i live to bring Him praise

(i'm Yours, and You are mine)

all my delight is in You, Lord

all of my hope, all of my strength

all my delight is in You, Lord

forevermore

this morning i woke up with this overwhelming fear of love and i'm not sure if i can resurrect you

oh God

my God

show me what to do with my heart,

because nothing makes sense anymore.

thank you.

that was more needed than i even realized.

and now...

"Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

(Hebrews 12)

...and you're not the exception.

“The person who calls himself a Christian, who says he loves God, yet does not seek His company and delight in it, can’t be a true lover of God… if he doesn’t daily give his heart to God and receive God’s heart in return, if he doesn’t daily renew his hatred of his own sin and his delight in God’s mercy, he has no relationship to God…if there is no private communication between you and Jesus—frequent and deep communion—then your religion is worthless. You’ve lost your first love.”

- Kris Lundgaard

old/new/now

i found this flipping through my prayer journal tonight. i wrote it december 6th, 2009. i remember. it was during church, after something convicted my heart so greatly, i couldn't contain the words it brought my head. it is truth that i want to rule over my heart and mind and life; a truth which so often doesn't. and i remember, that day, i needed it more than i could find the words to express. but i tried to express what i could.

and now, i find it an even more needed reminder for my life today than it was a month ago.

(i probably knew it would be. that's probably why i wrote it down.)

_________

Christ is my joy; I am His bride. I do not need anything or anyone else for emotional comfort, satisfaction, or gratification. Christ's love alone is sufficient; His person is enough. No human relationship will ever compare, no matter what age, level of spiritual maturity, or personal compatibility. It is then, and only then, when I keep this truth in view and never cease to bring it to mind (as I am so often quick to forget) so I might not forsake my first love in Christ, that I will ever be able to experience the fullest measure of joy that is possible in all other earthly relationships.

By what means?

Because Christ is the only One who has the ability and power and means to bring that joy about. His love is perfect. Therefore, I would be on a futile, aimless and depressing search were I to try and find a love from others to fulfill in my heart what only the Son of God is able to do. Yet, when this truth takes reign over my soul, and Christ has His rightful place on the throne of my desires and affections, my selfish expectations and demands of others to meet my cravings love will be incredibly less, if not vanished completely. It is then and only then, as previously stated, that i may give love - the true kind of love - freely to others, as it cannot help but generously overflow from the cup that I have in the love of my Savior. Furthermore, any love that I may receive from another, in whatever form, is simply accepted with gratitude and humility, no matter how flawed, common, or seemingly insignificant;

I already posses all the love my heart could ever need in the complete, perfect, and unending love of my Lord.

you're right, i'm not sleeping tonight

and maybe i won't for weeks

but i don't care anymore, because

soon, i'll be done here

no more homework or exams or class

and i'll go back to my hometown

where i came from before you changed

everything, and made me who i am

today; and maybe when i leave, i'll

never, ever come back - or maybe

i'll erase all the memories i stored

up in my brain with the thought that

i may need them for another time;

when i'm feeling lonely or just nostalgic

and i just might (maybe possibly)

forget this place ever existed, throw

all those three years away, but not

that which grew my soul and mind, no

the only thing which needs the

sentence of murder is those images

and thoughts of times when i

held the world close to my heart

in place of Christ, or the times

when i'd rather keep the silly

fool's gold on my hands than

treasure the precious stone

offered to me freely; and maybe,

just maybe, i'll do away with

all those thoughts, birthed by

the silly songs and stories i've

known, whispering to me silent

promises, keeping me

white-knuckled tight to the

thought, wrapped up and tied to

all the false hopes i cherished

telling myself that it's possible

for love to look so good.

but soon i'll be home,

and i will keep those

false hopes

here

far

far

away from me.

is it too late?

well it's true

i've seen the best and worst of you, but we're sticking through, because without all of the ups and downs we've been through - you know that it's true - that i could really get sick and tired of you.

(sad enough to say, that alone i could barely light a match --

but together we can burn this place down.)

that thing

that little virtual button which was pushed about an hour and a half ago

i almost feel as if it were the same as pressing the big green "GO" button to release rapid fire on myself the second i get back to school (or possibly beforehand)

from a squad of confused, angry, hurt, gossiping, whispering soldiers

some who used to call themselves friends

some who just like to get in the know about that sort of thing

some who don't care and just want to get on with it

and i don't know how to handle it --

something that feels so wonderful and deadly at the same time

something so simultaneously joyful, precious, sincere

which makes me so worried, anxious, concerned

...but about what?

other people's opinions?

(or about pleasing the Lord?)

--dang it, megan. you're such an idiot sometimes.

right now

my mind won't stop yelling at me.

i need to sell more things on ebay/half.com/amazon

i need to go through my binders and clean them out

i need to (continue to) loose weight

i need to not overdose on advil

i need to take those clothes to luna blu

i need to learn this song i'm supposed to sing in a coupleish hours

i need to take a shower and get dressed

i need to eat something

i need to do the above three things before i leave to go meet with danielle at six-thirty

i (still) need to call tess, jess, dom, and leslie before i leave in a week to go back to school

i don't want to go back to school...

i need to get over myself and my pride and my fear and my worry (and just change my facebook already)

i need to pray for more people, more often

i need to be less selfish

i need to love him better

i need to love everyone better

i need to spend time with my savior

because

the only One that's never left me has carried me so very far.

and yes i still believe in You

"however, to the man who does not work but trusts God who justifies the wicked, his faith is credited to him as righteousness."

(romans 4:5)

i cannot work to be righteous.

i cannot earn my salvation.

i cannot do enough good to ensure my place in heaven or be right in God's eyes.

my good deeds, spiritual conversations, moral standards and strong convictions mean nothing

(absolutely nothing)

(worthless)

(rubbish)

(crap)

if my heart does not belong to Him,

if i have no faith in Him,

if i do not trust Him,

if i don't love Him.

i don't need to try and make this sound deeper or more profound than it is.

it's not.

it doesn't need to be.

i don't need to try and impress you.

i just want to love my Lord.

(may i love You more this year than i did in years previous and less than i will in years to come)