in years from now, say to the Lord:
"Lord, i wished i just trusted You then, as i see now what You were doing so clearly. if only i had remembered that You are in control, and You are loving, and You are making all things good in Your sight -- then, i would have had peace, and i would have not feared, and i would have been okay, even through the long nights and the tears. even through the emptiness and the pain."
i refuse to say
"if only i had trusted the Lord..."
i am, however, saying
"i choose to trust You, now."
i said the same thing four years ago, in may of two thousand and five, when my world came crashing down. my hopes. my dreams. my wishes and deepest desires that were good in the sight of the Lord. i knew He was not punishing me. i knew He was sovereign, i knew He was good. and yet i still trembled at the thought of losing something i held so dear to me.
and now, still knowing the sovereignty of the most High and most loving God, i weep on my dirty carpeted floor at the thought of losing something even more precious to me than when i was seventeen. someone i cannot with words describe all of my love, respect, gratitude, and affections for. he is my best friend; the person with whom i wanted to spend all the rest of my life.
but that person pales in comparison to the Person who is my everything.
the One who holds my future in His hands, and who understands all i feel (completely).
(the only One who knows me, yet still loves, completely).
and tonight my prayers go up to Him in song, and His praises echo in my heart
they may not be traditional, but they are my soul's cry
"i'm still waiting for You to be the One i'm waiting for"
(something tells me this is going to make sense. something tells me it's going to take patience.)
and while the temptation to scream the lyrics of number twelve are there, the God i serve is so much greater than mere emotion. and so instead, i cry:
let it all out, get it all out
rip it out, remove it
don't be alarmed when the world begins to bleed
cause we're so scared to find out what this life's all about
so scared we're going to lose it
(and knowing all along, that's exactly what we need)
and today i'll trust You with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
but tomorrow upon hearing what i did,
i will stare at You in disbelief
(oh, inconsistent me - crying out for consistency)
and You said, "i know that this will hurt,
but if I don't break your heart,
things will just get worse.
if the burden seems too much to bear,
remember,
the end will justify the pain it took to get us there."
and i'll let it be known
in times i have shown
the signs of all my weakness
but somewhere in me, there is strength
and You promised me
that You believed
in time i will defeat this
cause somewhere in me, there is strength
[and that strength is only from You, my God]
and today i'll trust You with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
and i'll try my best to just forget
that that man isn't me
and You said, "i know that this will hurt,
but if I don't break your heart,
things will just get worse.
if the burden seems too much to bear,
remember,
the end will justify the pain it took to get us there."
reach out to me, and make my heart brand new
every beat will beat for You
for You
and i know You know You've touched my life
and when You touched my heavy heart,
You made it light.
