no, really. watch this.

this girl is on my wing this year.

i have no idea why she is at master's; her name shows up on the drop-down box of both google and youtube search engines.

she loves God like no one i've ever seen.

and while i don't listen to kanye west, alicia keys, or TI,

this poem, or whatever it is, convicted me like none other.

my word.

God has an interesting way of brining things to light in my life.

and i pray He will continue to do so. with you as well, my friends.

friend:

i am genuinely encouraged by you tonight and your love for the Lord, so much that you could care less about what other people (including those you have invested much of your time here with) say about you. i am convicted by your dedication to your ministry, regardless of the other things happening around you that may seem "cooler" or easier to do at the time. i am challenged by your persistent pursuance of others who are much different than yourself, because you know that is what God has called you to do, specifically in this season of life, but even continuing into our lives away from Master's, as we know that the church is not full of cool or fun or easy people to get along with, but that we are called to love them, and invest in them, regardless. yes, that was a run-on sentence. no, i do not care. i want to care about the body of Christ because they are my brothers and sisters in the Lord, not because they make me laugh or like the same music as me. because it reality, we share the most important thing in common that is ever known to man; we have the same common goal, desire, all driving-force:

to make Christ the very purpose of our lives.

i want to be more this way. thank you for being an example, as much as you think you're not.

okay, goodnight.

ain't this just like the present

saturday, 9/26

woke up at 11:30 am

watched youtube videos in my room (by myself)

ate tuna and crackers at 1:30 pm

sitting on the dirty floor

lauren came in

"it smells like fish"

she left soon after.

i left shortly, too

2:30 pm, or something

went to panera bread

did some homework plus

some renewing of the mind.

5:00 pm, jackson hole meeting

in the cafeteria

first social interaction all day

it was only an hour.

6:00pm, hid in the practice rooms

to release and refresh (while)

procrastinating on homework

played some smiths songs

and casiotone, too

thought about my day

and almost got depressed

then realized it was almost nine

and that i was going to a show

that i felt i should have been

more excited for

in two hours

two hours later

sunday, 9/27

twelve am, midnight

i was in a car with

four people:

awkward, quiet.

loud, fun.

(not quite what i expected)

an hour in a car

the national on the speakers

and six (or seven)

restroom attempts later

finally, passing though the gate

of the hollywood forever cemetery

surrounded by death

at nearly one in the morning

to witness (and be a part of)

something that made me feel so alive

spread out blankets,

on the cold cold (and somewhat wet) ground

watched creation sprout from the earth

from a bright light projected on a white wall

heard some music that made me miss

things i didn't know i felt

drank a monster earlier;

stayed awake pretty easy

kristen stepped in a muddy hole

surprised it wasn't me

luckily she was wearing boots

which i was not so wise to do

then the snow started falling

and we went closer to feel it on our faces

oh, i felt it alright

and it was more beautiful than imagined

when i sat in my room

the day before

listening to my life

sung by a man

who i will never meet.

and so tonight,

after finishing something for a meeting that i am about to have

in thirty minutes

i realized

that i had, subsequently

lived through some of the most

inconsequential

somewhat miserable

lonely, slow, lazy, mundane

twelves hours of my life

that i will soon forget once i finish writing

this

followed by

a series of the most

profound, powerful

incredible, memorable

brilliant, beautiful

twelve hours

i that have ever experienced.

and that i will (probably) always remember

for the rest of this vapor-like life

until my body of a grave is laid down along with the rest

of the names and faces on the stones

that i walked by, all alive

so many times

and that

thought alone

made me want to write this

very post.

the productivity of a lack of sleep

i (forsomereason)

stayed up until

lauren left for work

at four forty-five

this morning.

i do not have a logical explanation for this

but

here is what came of it.

or you can see it better, here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_2MyZOVvH8

polas that remind me of people

just found this in my drafts today on 1/7/10, and decided to post it. finally.

this

is

hard.

...philippians three.

i love the body of Christ

and how i can meet someone

not knowing anything about them

but by the end of a couple hours

over sushi, then chai tea

(an interesting mix, i know)

feel like they understand me more than many of the friends that i share oh-so much in common with

because she has the same life goal as i:

to honor Christ as Lord

love Him more than myself

live for Him above all

to make Him my everything.

and oh, it sounds so cliche

since that's what we all want, of course

but, (no, wait)

really, sincerely --

do we?

do i?

i love being reminded of what i was created for.

and my hope is, friends,

that i can help remind you of that, too.

but TODAY

i just want to hug everyone.

and talk about how good the Lord is.

(i'm exhausted; drained. emotional and thoughtful. i'm excited and apprehensive about the quickly upcoming months//weeks//days, and contemplative about the past. i've cried more and laughed harder in the last few weeks than i have in a long, long time. and i'm a female... what did you expect?)

i decided that i am going to pay t.j. five or ten or so dollars to draw me something to hang in my still-way-too-bleak-looking room. he stole my notebook tonight and started sketching, and came out with something i'd more expect to see on sweetman's blog than a piece of binder paper. (but i guess that's where much of creativity is honed?). anyway, he is getting really, really good. natalie, marcus and i all ended up semi-fighting over who would get to keep the drawing. marcus won, since it was much more of a masculine figure, and i decided that t.j. could just as easily draw me something closer to my personal taste than some random idea he just "had to get out of his head". not that what is in his head is by any means insufficient, but he was pretty excited at the idea of doing something "for commission" by request, as well. i am, too.

i think right now i just really don't feel like reading about the theology of christian counseling, making a forum post about the foundations of science, finishing something i have been making for a few days now, or, the thing i really need to do above all these: cleaning off my bed//cleaning up my room. yeah. every other day, it goes from looking like i am the biggest perfectionist to the sloppiest, laziest, "wow, i feel so bad for lauren" roommate ever, in a span of like, five minutes.

i am excited about tomorrow. tomorrow is wednesday. my easy day. last wednesday, i had chapel, did room checks, drove out to hollywood-ish area, worked for a lady for many more hours than expected, and then had coffee with peter, which led into the dinner hour, and after we visited kee-hyon at the church and jeremy at the house, we subsequently went to in and out. i honestly think that was the first time i had hung out with him just one-on-one since my junior year in high school, after we broke up. we continued to be alone a lot together initially after the break-up, as we were still committed to finishing our job at sacred heart fellowship doing the music worship together, but those were some of the hardest, most awkward times in my life. uhm, i guess until my sophomore year of college, that is.

however, those times, in high school i mean, were also some of the sweetest memories i have with my Lord. seriously. i cried nearly every day; i remember getting so excited the first time i didn't bawl my eyes out for a span of more than two days. i saw the Lord working in my heart like never before, and not at all because i knew the eventual outcome of my situation; i thought that peter breaking up with me was actually satan trying to ruin our wonderful, God-glorifying relationship that would someday lead into marriage. but i had no idea if i was right, of course. i guess i just knew i had nothing else. all my plans had been stripped away from me, and i only had two options: curse the Lord, run away from Him, blame Him for my unhappiness, because it isn't fair, or; run towards Him with everything i have and everything i am, because i have nothing left, and i have no one else. it was then that the Psalms became real to me:

"You are my Lord; apart from You i have no good thing" (16)

"the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (34)

"find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him" (62)

- my anthems.

the verses are still marked up in my pink and black checkered NIV bible, with semi-visible tear stains over the print. i finally knew Jesus as my lover, my comforter, my healer, my everything. He became real to me in a way that i had never known before, not even in my all-too-easily-glorified sophomore year of high school. i always knew that Jesus SHOULD be enough for me. and for a time, He was. that is, until he brought an amazing, godly, handsome, whatever-else-i-thought-at-the-time man into my life. then i thought, "this is what i've been missing, and i cannot live without him." so, he took him away.

just kidding.

that's not the only reason the Lord allowed that relationship to end. i will point out here, that i do not say, "allowed that relationship to fail." this is because, i do not believe it did so. someone might argue that all relationships that do not end in marriage fail, but i would like to challenge that notion. what is the definition of success? more so, what should be the definition of success for a Christian? from what i read in scripture, success is not measured by whether something has the outcome that we expected, desired, or makes sense - nor is it what others around us expect, desire, or makes sense to them. real, true success is measured by whether our decisions, actions, and reactions to the circumstances around us are filtered through a desire to honor the Lord or not. if we are all about our wants, our agendas, our personal plans and dreams, we can so easily forget the Lord. but, if we can pursue something and always be able to say as Christ demonstrated for us, "not as i will, but may Your will be done" - then, in whatever we do, we will succeed.

and once the Lord opened my eyes and revealed this to me, it was about same time that i was finally able to "let go" of peter. i realized that just because our relationship ended did not mean that it was a failure. if, in fact, we had done the best of our ability to honor the Lord in our relationship (in purity, speech, action, etc.), which i can confidently say that we did, what is it that i feared? God used this, then, to expose the real the heart of the issue: my fear of never getting married, never "finding someone" else, never having my dream life. etc.

so there it is. and the reality is plain and simple.

is my life about my desires, or God's desires for me?

is my life about my plans, or following God's plan for my life?

if my life about my life, or being an example of the life of my Redeemer, Jesus Christ, to everyone around me?

the answer is pretty obvious.

but every day i see myself failing to live this way.

and this -

this!

THIS, my friend

is why

our good, great, gracious God allows us to go through painful circumstances

awkward situations

heartbreaking trials

confusion and consequences

because He knows that we will not automatically live the way He intends us to.

the way we were created to.

He uses this to change us

to glorify Himself

to make us love Him more

which, in turn,

gives us more hope and peace

joy and purpose

than we would ever have experienced

had we gotten our own way in the first place.

and because of this truth, i can sit down with my ex-boyfriend, over four years later

and talk about what God has done - is doing in our lives

sympathize with one another about friends who have turned their backs on Him

encourage one another to persevere in the faith; to never loose sight of the call

and he can listen to me joyfully talk about the relationship the Lord has placed me in right now, at this time; all the while knowing in my heart that i do not need this relationship for my life to have meaning, purpose, or joy

and instead, it is because of the love of the Lord, for His glory, and His purpose that he has placed me where i am

and were this to ever change, as it did four years ago when i was seventeen,

then i will do the same as i did then, and cry out to my God

run to Him with all that i am

knowing that what i have on this earth, i do not need

but what i truly need, i will have for all of eternity

and oh, my God

because of this beautiful truth

i will sleep in peace tonight.

(psalm 4:7-8)

(i am still being sanctified)

but for the first time

in a long time

i feel like punching something

really hard

or swearing

while yelling,

and then

punching something really

really hard.

or driving

far

far

away.

and he said to me --

"it's beautiful to see your heart for Christ and i know we share that totally, but you have so much to offer the world and i feel like i have my path already set."

i do not have anything to offer more than anyone else.

especially not you.

"but you just see so much and feel so much"

that's true.

but it's all crazy, it's all false, it's all a dream.

but it is alright.

because it doesn't have to do with what i want or what you want or what anyone wants.

yes, it has to do with my heart.

and as i looked at the grape juice-filled communion cup, being held in the air between my thumb and index finger, my heart broke

and He asked me if my heart really belongs to Him -

(because if it doesn't, i have no business partaking in fellowship with Him)

and my tears fell into that plastic miniature cup as i cried out with no words:

"You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same"

and in that moment my sin became more evident than ever and the grace and love of Christ covered it more fully than i have ever let myself see in years

and while i don't know what tomorrow brings

or the next day

or where my life will be at the end of this,

because of His promises

i know one thing for certain:

He is changing my heart.

and that will not change.

my dreams will be ashes

oh, i think of things so lovely and fun

and i imagine my life, were it to follow suit

of the pictures i've painted in my head for years:

an apartment in a two-story building; downtown LA

taking bus rides into cities we've only heard names of

or seen on the big screens

flying through midnight freeways when the only ones on the road are the successfully driven, the drunkards, and us

we take some kind of comfort in the blinding beams of the street lamps and traffic lights

(not to mention the sound of the train's horn)

we drift around the sidewalks, all high on our impulsive nature: the life of the vagabond sounds so audaciously appealing, so we spend the night on the corner near the library (where i first met my friends with the dog and bad hand-done tattoos)

we catch the first train we lay our eyes on

we run though the fields that have not yet been trodden

we spend nights under the blankets of stars (or sometimes in cars)

because, dear,

we're the heirs to the glimmering world. and we wear it in our cheeks.

so we wander

thriving on spontaneity, feeding our impulsive lusts with carefree talks of what might come

what might happen

what might kill us

or make us feel more alive than we've ever known

but then we will come back to our house

with polaroids and 35-mm prints lining the walls

tucked in wooden frames from thrift stores,

next to the window adorned with lace

and sit at the dining room table,

fresh cut flowers in a vase from my mother's house

and fresher coffee steaming in two cups

(but one is chipped from wear, of course)

and we'll talk about music

and laugh about movies

and we'll say all the things

we never got a chance to say

reminiscing for hours

about our adventures

(and we'll stay there long into the evening when the crickets play their harps and the cars sound louder on the streets)

and this is how we will live.

happily, fondly -- mistakenly

(as in the dream)

and all the while,

our thoughts are all our own

through every city

we ask what we shall do

in each back alley,

we'll take the risks

across the country

for our personal delight

the unplanned and unstructured life,

so romanced

and free

it's everything i want,

and everything you want

it's all that we've dreamt of

and talked about so long

it's what life is about

and the things we always said

and it has nothing

at all

to do

with

eternity.

and then

when we make

the pearly gates,

and stand before the Throne of splendor

my life will look like death

all the treasure i've stored up will engulf in flames

brilliant embers at my feet

my dreams will be ashes

and all those years

pleasant, precious, perfect, years

will gather into a magnificent heap of cinder on the floor

oh, GOD

my eyes want such fantastic things

and

just because they don't show up on the billboards doesn't mean they mean something

more than all the other things

we always say are such futile "things"

while i neglect the only Thing

that should be my Everything

and yeah, i have no words left

what a cop-out, i know

and i can't speak of truth

when my heart is so black

but i know where it's found

so i'll cry out to You:

be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart

naught be all else to me; save that Thou art

Thou my best thought, by day or by night

waking or sleeping, Thy presence: my light.

riches i heed not; nor man's empty praise

Thou mine inheritance, now and always

Thou and Thou only, first in my heart;

High King of Heaven: my treasure, Thou art.

High King of heaven, my victory won

may i reach heaven's joys; O bright heaven's Son!

Heart of my own heart, whatever befall:

still be my vision, O Ruler of all.

i want to go to a park and lie under a tree and with leaves scattered around me i'll fall asleep in the shade

i love my rd

"for me, a lot of it comes down to the sad fact that i honestly just want what i can't have. like, all the time. with everything. clothes, jobs, guys. and when i get what i want, i see it for what it is, and i'm like, 'this is what i wanted so badly? bummer.' and God shows me again that all i really cared about was not God's best, but my own sinful cravings, and desire for attention. it doesn't matter what it is. but that's a sin that plagues me wherever i go, with everything i interact with, and i have to purposefully guard against it or i will be sucked into that trap again and again."

she said something like that, something close to that affect, and i wanted to cry, and say, 

"see there, that's it. oh God, i'm so sorry. that is me. that's the answer to everything."

but instead i just said, "yeah, i understand. i probably need to guard against that, too."

i don't understand myself sometimes

"i'm trying to pull the daggers out of my heart, but death is unavoidable, dearest."

i don't know why, but this sentence suddenly evoked feelings of deep interest and appreciation, even though i disagreed with him about the point he was making.

my God, my God

You'd better show me what You want soon because i'm so lost.

(i've only ever loved myself, but i've loved myself so well)

i need You. NOW.

a friend told me not to look too deeply or introspectively at my sin.

because sometimes we get there, and that is all we can see - 

so we stay there, focusing on guilt and self-loathing, 

consequently,

sitting right in the center of satan's plan for us

(always, to focus on self, rather than the Savior)

i feel like my heart is empty but i have longings and dreams i've never known before

yet i don't know what's selfishness, and what's personal preference.

one thing i do know for certain, though:

the Lord God is a jealous Lover

He will not share my affections with any person or thing

He wants my desires for Him, and 

right now, i cannot say that is the case.

so at this point in time, i know what i am to pursue

(and nothing else) --

intimacy with my Redeemer, 

affection with my Father, 

obedience to my Master,

devotion to my Savior.

Jesus Christ, You dry the tears, 
You break my heart of stone 
Your words are life - 

cut marrow through the darkness, to the bone 
a heart of flesh You gave me 
only You can save me.