tonight

i looked through it all once more

(a couple times)

"it's Yours, Lord"

(i'm Yours, too)

then i let it go.

i'm going to be doing a lot of that lately, i think

and it actually hurts, still

less than i expected it to

but more than i wanted it to.

but i can't think about that now.

i have to go do homework with a girl in another room

and put emotions aside, get serious again

i feel like throwing up the burrito i ate two hours ago

(i probably shouldn't have done so in the first place)

and honestly, as much as i love

these girls/my school/professors/major/location

i want to leave here, so badly

i want to be done

i miss my family

and i want to start over

again.

done.

dear Jesus,

it's all Yours.

i'm all Yours.

please hold me.

oh, how many times have i broken Your heart?
but still You forgive, if only i ask
and how many times have You heard me pray,
"draw near to me"?

everything i need is You;
my beginning, my forever.
everything i need is You

is You

this week the trend was to not wake up till three pm (i picked the few conscious hours that i chose to spend and slept away the rest of them) and this week the trend was to crash and burn and then return again; to practice the life that i pretend provides enough to get me through the week(end)

so i say, "get me a solution, and watch me run with it" and then You gave- You gave me a solution; what have i done with it?

(cause i was absolutely sure i had it all figured out way back then)

and now it's this minute, this hour, this day and this week the trend was to backstab every single one of my friends and leave a voicemail message trying to make amends all the while hoping things work out in the end

and this week the trend was to borrow all the strength that You could lend to keep my head above the water and not descend back to where i said i'd never go again

so i say, "get me a solution, and watch me run with it" and then You gave - You gave me a solution; what have i done with it?

(cause i was absolutely sure i had it all figured out way back then)

but after this day it's this week all over again

AND I JUST WANT TO GET MUGGED AT KNIFEPOINT TO GET CUT ENOUGH TO WAKE ME UP because i know that i don't want to die sitting around watching my life go by and what we take from this is what we'll get and we haven't quite figured it out just yet because all of us are all too stuck strapped to a chair watching our lives blow up

my heart feels so empty.

like i'm not where i should be

but i know that's not the case

because this is where i am

and where i will be for a while

so i can't change what He's made clear

but so many things are changing around me

and i think if i run, they will stop

i want to be in montery

i want to be in israel

i want to be in jackson hole

(ijustwanttobeinheaven)

because the very minute i'm so sure of something

they don't feel so sure anymore

and the person on the phone says it will get better

and the person in my ear says it never will

and he doesn't feel the same way

and she doesn't even know the first of it

and we all see it from different perspectives

and wisdom doesn't mean anything when you're only hearing what you want to hear

and advice is worthless when biases creep in like maggots

ruining anything and everything pure

oh JESUS i want to run away

but i can't escape my own heart

in monterey, santa clarita or wyoming

i am still the same person

wanting all the same things

in need of the same Savior

fighting the same battle

but i can't fight

with my own hands and heart

i am weak and my flesh becomes bloody and bruised

when i run out into battle with my prideful self-will

only to come back beaten and and broken

i want to fall at Your feet

and say "never again"

but how can i allow my lips to speak

words which i know are lies?

thank You for looking to the motives of my heart,

not the actions which i so miserably perform

something that both scares me and comforts me

within the same thirty seconds

oh Jesus, my heart is screaming

"i can't do this"

but i don't even know what "this" is

i'm tired of crying alone in my room on sunday afternoons

but i guess i'm so blinded by my selfishness

that i can't even see what my hands are doing past my arms

(and trust me, it's nothing worth seeing)

so let's call a spade a spade

a promise, a promise

and a sin, a sin

and this sin

is that same vice

which has been making me miserable since my freshman year of high school

in which i knew i was either choosing to do the will of Christ

or the will of the devil

because he doesn't come with a red horned-faced suit

a pointy tail and a pitchfork

he is beautiful, and dazzles my eyes with beautiful things

beautiful words, charms and dreams

because all he has to do to get me on the path to eternal hell

is to get me to deny the truth and love my sin more than Him

and that sin is

simply, only, completely

that i love everything else in this world

more than i love You.

somethinglikelaughter

people say they know a girl whose lost her way; she's always angry

no one bothers to ask her what she hears or what she hopes for

the air is cold, she lives alone and tires of being her only provider

she can't fathom grace tonight; no not tonight, it's not an option.

searching for more than mere tastes of living water

tired eyes tend to wander; seek the Light

create in her a sense of awe that sees Your beauty

let Your splendor flash with blinding light

cities slowly suffocate; what once was bright is now moth-eaten

as young girls filled with thoughts that once were fresh, now worn and beaten

clutching pity like a prize to her side, her fingers grow weary

"He cares so much for sparrows, won't He toss something out my way?

searching for more than mere lies disguised as dogma

tired eyes tend to wander; seek the Light

create in her a sense of awe that sees Your beauty

let Your splendor flash with blinding light

standing tall, all the aspen trees drink water

as rain falls down like laughter from the sky

nothingelsetosay

oh hello october. i thought i'd be better by now, too

i don't actually know how i'm going to get through these next twenty-four hours.

and then the next seven days after that.

only by the grace of God, i know.

(friend, thank you for your words which impacted me so.)

but my nose is running and my head hurts, and four hours of sleep spread out between 24 hours is just not good; not good at all.

and i am so passive about everything i probably should be more aggressive towards, or at least, care more about,

and so easily frustrated and annoyed at things and people i usually wouldn't give second thought to.

and i really want to know what happened to that snake.

for some reason i am kind of worried that he just died in the box.

i hope to God someone let him back outside. i hope he didn't get thrown away in the trash. or abused by stupid boys. i keep having all these horrid daydreams about this cute little garter snake suffering a miserable death. it's a snake, for crying out loud, i know. but it honestly makes me emotional thinking about it. that if he died, i somehow contributed to his death. and that makes me so very upset.

i should have just let him go.

but i guess it doesn't matter.

(or shouldn't matter.)

another long night is ahead of me. laundry, packing, five foundations of science video lectures, a short paper, and a preliminary outline, as well as mix cd's i've been making for tiffany since march, need to be completed before 2:30pm tomorrow.

because i take an exam at 3.

and we leave at 4.

oh Lord, this is all for You. accomplish what You will. even with our weak bodies and tired minds.

i am so blessed by this group of students going with us. like, seriously. i'm not worried about them at all. i just want to be a good leader that rejoices in all things, and reflects the love and joy of Christ, regardless of stresses and circumstances around me. i guess the only way to get here, though, is to get out of my own head and start the renewal process on His terms:

"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me -- practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."

philippians 4:4-9

it's interesting that i can interpret this verse in so many ways to fit my own agenda. i can even try to fit in worldly, self-indulgent things into the categories mentioned above, because of the way i personally define terms such as "honorable, pure, lovely, commendable, of excellence" - but i must remember that it is God who defines these terms, not me.

but what does the Lord deem as true? honorable? just? pure? lovely? commendable? of excellence?

the only way i can ever attempt to try to answer this question is to start thinking about life and sin and myself and the world and others and everything the way that the Lord does. and the only way i can ever attempt to do this is... well, that's much more simple. but i fight it. every.single.day.

i need His Words in my head.

because if they're not

then

you know

and i know

and everyone (should)

know

that SOMETHING

else

will

be there.

whether it be songs, poems, my own biased opinions, the opinions of others, the words of others, the worries of the day, the forever-growing mental to-do list, the daydreams of how i want my life to be and look like and all the things i want to have... i'm going to fill my head with something. and my mind, compared to most, thinks A LOT. (contemplate about how fast i can sometimes spit out words. my mind goes nearly twice as fast. that's also two times the possibility for me to sin in my mind compared to my speech. really.)

i honestly believe that thoughts are never amoral. seriously. sure, a thought may not be outright sin or outright righteousness, but it is either moving us closer to a lifestyle which feeds our own wants, desires, agendas, etc., or feeds the desires, wants, and agendas of the Holy Spirit. the things we choose to contemplate on and focus our minds around (which in scripture is also synonymous for the heart, in many cases) is what will guide the decisions we make and the next thing we do in our day. our thinking is what determines our life. and sure, our heart determines our thinking. so it has to start there. and what is it that has the ability to change my heart? my relationship with Christ is sure; i know this. but what goes beyond that? it is my thoughts, attitudes, motives, the things i think about between classes and the conversations i pick up in the halls. i'm not trying to sound like joe keller, but give him a break. he has a point to what he says in this. my life is not meant to be divided into the secular and the sacred. and i'm tired of it all too often being so.

i want my heart to be pure. i want my thoughts to be on what God deems beautiful. i want my actions to live out who i really am - a servant of the MostHighGod. but i can't do this on my own. it is the age-old story of my life. if you were to go back and read my blogs from my xanga when i was 15 and 16 years old, you'd find the same thing. same pattern. same struggles, taking different forms. and written about in much sloppier english. but i am still so selfish. i need Him so, so badly. and i am so thankful that He chooses to use me anyway, despite all that i am.

(thoughts from a day of skipped classes, no sleep, headaches, and isolation my room)