truly,

i am starting to think that fellowship is the greatest blessing we have been given on this earth, second to knowing Christ and studying the Word.

(and i'm overwhelmingly thankful that i've been able to experience so much of it lately.)

confused

is a good word for it.

this one is my favorite from the night,

and so i decided to share it with you.

a few things.

for one, last night sure didn't suck. at all. in fact it was pretty enjoyable. and by that, i mean really enjoyable. so that was awesome.

two, i finished my senior thesis. thirty pages, single spaced, on the topic of self-deceit. i would give a general explanation of what my paper/project consisted of and what it's main points were, but that is pretty much the last thing i want to do right now. if you're really curious, ask me and i'll tell you some other time. or just email it to you. in all it's thirty-page glory.

three, i still don't have a car. and i know it's no one's fault but my own, first of all for crashing it, and secondly for not having money to be able to just pay for it to get fixed. although i'm sure that even if i did my father and brother would have scoffed at that and said how ridiculous it would be for me to pay for someone to fix it when they could do it themselves. however, that has not been able to happen yet, for numerous reasons, some of which are: sickness, races, and weather. so, i probably will remain car-less until graduation. which is not what i had been hoped and had been told. but again - can't blame anyone else, really. besides maybe the weather. yeah, stupid weather.

and yet, of course, there are a few things that i would still like to do one last time before i leave the los angeles area somewhat indefinitely. however, in light of my lack-of-car, the majority of these things will most likely NOT happen. unfortunately. even so, i will list my heart's little last wishes:

- spend a day at the ventura thrift stores (with the company of the lovely mrs. erin howard)

- rummage the jet rag sunday morning sale (and take my dear friends elizabeth and anna with me)

- find and spend an afternoon at some coffee shop in hollywood/LA, by myself or with one other person (i.e. kristen)

- take stuff to buffalo exchange

- see a movie at the new beverly cinema with some pals

- check out whatever's at amoeba

- go to another hardcore show (and NOT get in a wreck on the way there)

- go to any show

- go to santa monica (though on second thought that might actually not be a good idea for me at this point in time in my life)

- hang out with some folks at skid row on a sunday afternoon or a friday night with the master's group

- visit the burbank dollar bookstore, along with other fun little burbank stores

- visit my friends at APU

- visit my friends in pasadena

- get (somewhat) dressed up and go out. i don't care where. i don't care what we do. i just want to walk around and feel pretty and explore the city again, with someone i feel comfortable with. someone i can talk to. someone who sees the little traces of beauty that's left in this trashy, commercialized, sad place... and wants to seek out and enjoy every last bit of it.

four--

on that note:

i have learned

that it is in fact possible

to have the best day and the worst day

of your entire week/month/semester/year

on the same day.

for (basically) the same reasons.

oh Lord. what do i do, now?

i cannot wait

to be done.

why does this always happen?

where i'll set out to do merely get some homework done, but instead, i end up crying and asking the Lord for forgiveness because i'm so freaking convicted from some mere counseling book i'm reading for a stupid class.

(i'm starting to think they do this on purpose...)

anyway.

i know this is a lot of words. so, don't read it if you don't think you have time. but, friends, if you have time to mess around on facebook and blogs and tumblrs and whatever else you fill your afternoon with, maybe you might just have time to read this thing which could make you think. perhaps.

...But seek first His kingdom, and these things will be given to you ask well.

Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear our, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Luke 12

"How incredibly tender! how patient. He calls us his little flock, aware that life holds many dangers. He reminds us that the Creator knows the details of creation. He is close and involved...

And he is not just interested in the big picture of your life. He knows trivia such as the hairs on your head. To have that kind of knowledge, someone must be present with the person and have immense care for him or her. Casual acquaintances are satisfied with knowing the basic outline of your life. Intimate friends want to know all the details.

Then Jesus asks, with tongue in cheek, if anxiety really helps...He is suggesting that the situation is not as dire as we think. He can make light of it because He knows that there is no need to worry. He is the loving shepherd. He will not leave, and He will never sleep.

'You trust me,' He says. 'I will worry about tomorrow.' Then, in a beautiful and persuasive conclusion, he reminds us that He is a generous God who not only gives the kingdom to his children but is pleased to do so.

This raises two questions. First, what is the kingdom? The kingdom is everything God promises His children: love, joy, peace, patience, His presence, forgiveness, adoption into His family, the hope of being free from sin, and being with our Father, the King.

Second, is the kingdom that important to you? Perhaps you already believe that God is pleased to give you the kingdom, but the kingdom doesn't sound that great. Perhaps you have your heart set on something else. You believe that 'my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus' (phil. 4:9), but you aren't so certain that He will supply all your wants.

This is how idolatry grows in our hearts. We want things and we aren't sure God will give them to us, so we put our trust in other gods. This is THE problem of the human heart -- misplaced trust. We value, love, and trust something in creation more than the Creator, and since there is nothing in creation that is intended to bear the weight of our trust, we are bound to live in fear.

All other loves must be subordinate to your love for Christ. This may sound like God is demanding our love, and that is true to a point. But the reason we are to love Him more than all other is that, among the many suitors for our affections, He alone is worthy of such love.

How do you turn back to the One who truly loves you? It is called repentance. Your acknowledge your wrong in pursuing false gods, and you set out to know the beauty of the true God who patiently pursues you."

amen.

alright. i'm finally saying it.

...i miss being able to talk about the Lord and not feel like i have to give a million disclaimers preceding my conversation, like:

“i know this seems cliché, but…”
“i’m sorry this sounds cheesy, but…”
“i know everyone says this, but…”
“not to sound Masters-y, but…”

i miss being able to talk about the Lordship of Christ in one’s life, about the heart being the main issue, about having a love relationship with Jesus, about selfish desires and godly motives and bible passages and mutual encouragement without fearing someone is thinking (or actually saying to me) --
“well of course you’d say that, you’re a biblical counseling major.”

i’m tired of trying so hard not to fall into some Christian stereotype that i start to neglect Christ Himself.

i’m sick of this attitude that so fears being equated with the homeschool girl down the hall to the point where i avoid voicing my own desire to be in women’s ministry.

i’m honestly fed up with our embarrassment of the Christian pop culture, so we quickly run to the other side, whole-heartedly embracing the morally lenient and indulgent culture of this world.

i’m exhausted. i’m drained. and so, i’m done.

i am a Christian. i sound cheesy sometimes. i’m not cool. i get overly exicted about trivial things. i laugh a lot. i love phil wickham, relient k, and five iron frenzy. their lyrics make me fall on my knees and cry before the Lord in worship, or (with the latter) fall on the ground in laughter. i talk really fast at times, especially, when i’m extremely passionate about something. i get excited about God doing wonderful things in my life and lives of others, and am often extremely passionate about it; therefore, to the point of talking really fast. i like taking drives into nowhere and talking about how beautiful the sunset is because the Lord has made it. i love talking to high school girls about Jesus being their lover and how they should wait for a boy who loves God more than he loves girls. i’ll dance around like an idiot at times; sometimes because i’m just that happy, sometimes because i’m just a nerd. i care more about lyrics in worship than the music sounding good, and i try really hard to worship the Lord as passionately as i would if the song was to my liking. i believe that God does “open” and “close” doors, that He can work through circumstances, and that He even uses our screw-ups, because His heart is about glorifying Himself and working out things for our good. i believe the Lord has a plan for me, but that He cares more about me obeying Him in what He has already told me is His will for me in His Word, than having some self-fulfilled future based on my own dreams and agendas. i believe that Christ is my fulfillment, my joy, my everything – though i struggle to remember this daily. my best and closest friendships are with those who mutually encourage one another towards love and good deeds, who share with me what the Lord is doing in their lives and ask me about what He’s doing in mine, who really pray for me and ask me to pray for them, and who aren’t afraid to talk about the Jesus like He really is King, Savior, Lord, and Love of their life.

i don’t care how cheesy that sounds.

i don’t care how cliché that sounds.

i don’t care how Christian-y or Maters-y or Biblical Counseling-ish that sounds.

that is me. that is who i am, and that is the God i serve.

(and i’m not just okay with that. i’m ecstatic about it.)

well, i certainly have a newfound appreciation for dr. mcarthur...

"For a Christian to be willfully unforgiving is unthinkable. We who have been forgiven by God Himself have no right to withhold forgiveness from our fellow sinners. In fact, Scripture plainly commands us to forgive in the same manner as we have received forgiveness: "Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ has forgiven you" (Eph. 4:32).

Since God commands us to forgive others, refusing to do so is an act of direct disobedience against Him. Let me say it plainly: refusing to forgive is a horrible sin.

Forgiveness reflects the character of God. Unforgiveness is therefore ungodly. That means that unforgiveness is no less an offense to God than fornication or drunkenness, even though sometimes it is deemed more acceptable. Certainly it is more frequently found in the open among the people of God than the sins we typically regard as heinous. But Scripture is clear that God despises an unforgiving spirit."

- The Freedom & Power of Forgiveness, Dr. John McArthur

get this book. every one of you. seriously.

remember, o my soul:

(this is all that matters.)

how deep the Father's love for us,
how vast beyond all measure!
that He should give His only Son,
to make a wretch His treasure.

how great the pain of searing loss;
the Father turns His face away
as wounds which mar the chosen One
bring many sons to glory.

behold! the Man upon a cross-
my sin upon His shoulders;
ashamed, I hear my mocing voice
call out among the scoffers.

it was my sin that held Him there,
until it was accomplished;
His dying breath has brought me life:
I know that it is finished.

I will not boast in anything-
no gifts, no power, no wisdom;
but I will boast inJesus Christ,
His death and resurrection.

why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer;
but this I know with all my heart:
His wounds have paid my ransom.

i guess it can't last forever

i just spent the last hour of my life reading blogs from a girl whom i used to be semi-good friends with in high school. i guess, though, you're kind of semi-good friends with everyone when you go to a school with only sixty-something students. but regardless. reading her words was so encouraging, yet, triggered that nostalgic sadness that always seems to overwhelm me when i come home on weekends and sit in my room and am alone. and i turned down all the picture frames staring me in the face, reminding me of what i thought my life was going to be like, now telling me i was wrong. so wrong. and i'll cry about it, and wish to re-do the last three years of my life, but that won't solve anything. it never does. so reading emma's words, about her and josh and what the Lord did with that, was encouraging, but also-- well. i can't be too vulnerable over the internet. but i want that. i want that so badly. and i know the Lord gives me the desires of my heart, when my desires are in line with His good and perfect and pleasing will for my life. and i want that too, i really do. i want to stop living for myself and thinking about myself, and i want to accomplish the good work that God has set out for me to do.

...but it would be really nice if i was able to do that with someone alongside me; leading me, holding my hand, someone i can trust, praying with me and for me, serving, loving, enjoying, enduring, and just doing life with me.

(my heart is soft again tonight.)

and while i'm somewhat frustrated with myself that i'm not as gung-ho about life as i was last night, i need not get too discouraged. the Lord knows i needed this. He knows my sappy, emotional heart will only keep me running back to Him, falling on my knees, begging for mercy and for Him to reveal Himself to me once again. and i know that He will, showing me His love and grace in only ways that He can.

and i know, really truly, that is all i need.

well.

the last two days have been filled with too much joy to just let that sad post sit there like that.

just to list a few reasons:

- four relatively long, incredibly edifying/encouraging/Christ-focused phone conversations with people i love, getting me even more excited about coming back home to monterey.

- a few texting interactions with some people i haven't talked to in forever, again, making me so looking forward to reconnecting with them and hearing about what God's been doing with their lives.

- even hearing about sad news in the church (as a whole, not shoreline specifically or anything), was still encouraging, as i heard how godly men and women (including some of my very closest friends) handled these things in a biblical and loving manner.

- for some reason, being more passionate and hungry for the Word of God than i have been in so long. i cannot stop talking about it, writing about it, thinking about it, asking about it. something inside of me has changed, and i never want to go back.

- on top of all of this random great fellowship already, many of these aforementioned individuals i've alluded to, i will be privileged enough to do ministry with in the near future (mid-may). i cannot wait for this. of course by that, i mean, i can wait - it just makes me that much more eager to graduate. yet, in the midst of my ready-to-be-home-NOW-ness, the Lord has healed and blossomed some old and many new friendships with girls here at masters. i haven't had this much fun hanging out with the girls on my wing since the very first month or so of school (september). they are SO freaking rad. i love them. and while i'm tempted to get discouraged about my lack of pursuit of them earlier this semester, as someone told me a few weeks ago, i need to not worry about that now. worrying does nothing for the Lord. instead, i need to take what God has obviously given me, and be faithful with that. i need to run hard for Christ NOW, not say "oh, i'll do that when i get home and don't have all these papers to write" - because life will always be busy. and therefore, part of my faithfulness to the Lord now, with my last five weeks of school ahead of me, is pouring into the girls around me for as long as i'll get to have them living next door, across the way, and down the hall. God put them around me for a reason, and i want to find out what that is, even in this short time i have left.

gah. i'm so thankful i could explode. i don't understand this, though -- but with the Lord, i guess it makes perfect since. i haven't been able to go a day without crying - that is, seriously bawling my eyes out - since thursday, the 18th. i now sit here, april 1st (at 1am, that is), and the last two days, i haven't cried at all. not once. not even tears. just joy. just this amazing peace, assurance, confidence, and hope from Christ. He is all i need. and right now, He is all i want. honest. i couldn't say that two days ago. i wanted to want Him alone, but i wanted other things, too. so badly. and of course i struggle with that daily, but He has been so faithful. i didn't expect Him to show me His love so abundantly like this so fast. i was hurting so much. but now, my heart is full, and i am in love with my God. and i am in awe at how, in the words of my roommate, "the ways He provides little graces...the way He loves [me] better than anyone else ever could."

friends, get to know your Lord. the world tastes so stale and bitter and lifeless compared to His pure, perfect, completely satisfying love. and every time i doubt that, He reminds me again, when i ask Him. and even sometimes when i don't. but i beg you: ask Him.

"Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good!

Blessed is the man who takes refuge in HIm!

Oh, fear the LORD, you His saints,

for those who fear HIm have no lack!

The young lions suffer want and hunger,

but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing."

psalm 34:8-10

(the first passage i have now underlined in my newly re-upholstered esv bible.)

goodnight, all.