today

was a good day. i think.
aside from the fact that i had to shovel five hundred dollars out of my own pocket for school (and that's only half of ONE class), and that babysitting four insane kids (two with autism) breaks my heart and makes me never want to have kids at the same time...
it was good.

james and i have been texting all day; i only called him once (and i think it was mostly to get pity from him that i had to pay the school so ridiculously much for one stupid class - to which i was answered with: "well, that's how i felt when i bought my PS3." seriously?!? anyway...)
we have been talking about different issues of semi-touchy subjects. and it's been really good. really healthy for us i think. it started with me asking him if he'd break up with me if i ever smoked a cigarette. i already knew the obvious answer, but i guess i wanted a confirmation to make me really start thinking if a few minutes of enjoyment were truly worth losing both him and my witness to many people (as i wouldn't lie when asked if i have or not). so, as lauren said in her text, when she gets back "or we'll both go up to my favorite spot and i can smoke and you can watch me. :)" ...indeed.

i'm really liking it here at her house. i might have already mentioned that, but i do. it is so peaceful. no one is loud or really even tries to talk to me. sure, i get lonely sometimes, but not here. it's usually when i'm running (driving) around town and just wish i had someone to accompany me. someone to share the day with. anyone. james obviously comes to mind first: he loves going to stores with me. and while i've been frustrated with his desire to walk around walmart just for the hell of it at times (usually because i'm insanely busy), right now i would love that more than anything. i have come to the conclusion that even the most beautiful places, the most breathtaking scenery, are still empty if there is no one to share it with. an acquaintance, a lover, a stranger - anyone. too bad i am so shy; i might try to make a friend or two while i'm out here on my own. i honestly cannot remember the last time i spent so much time by myself. it truly is odd. i guess this is why people end up in bars and drunk and in stranger's beds.
it's starting to make sense to me now, i think.


anyway, i was going to write about all of the things james and i discussed tonight but honestly now i don't even really feel like it. whatever, i'll give a brief overview: smoking, tattoos, friendships with the opposite sex when married, and... i think that's it. it was good. we hold mostly the same views, more or less - well, maybe not on the tattoo thing, as i'd really like to still get some more. but i think it's good that i don't. he keeps me in check. i love the two that i have, but who knows if i'll regret the others? although i secretly (or not so secretly, as i'm pretty open about it) think he would look amazing with a sleeve. which apparently is the only way he'll ever do it - "one and dones look lame on guys." ?!? i have no idea where that term came from, but sure. whatever you say, darling.

post-session is not going to be as insanely intense as i thought. for that i am so so glad. sosososo glad. it would be, were i taking two courses, but then i would also be broke. as i kind of already am. but i guess that's another reason that the babysitting is a blessing - it's the only way i'm paying for this crap. (forget the fact that i'm helping a needy family, pssh). gah. why can't i be truly selfless? if i had the opportunity to babysit for free, for another family in desperate need, would i? or why does it have to be desperate? would i do so just out of love for Christ? i have before in the past but i think i am so used to getting paid that i really fear i would hesistate. i don't know how it is possible that my view of God can shrink so much over time - it's honestly scary. i can see now how i can be a practical athiest when i want to. it's truly horrible.


i'm going to finish cleaning up the remnants of my unpacking before i go to sleep. and before i go to sleep, i am going to get my head straight. and the only way to do that is to meditate on truth. search it out. let it soak it. it's sad how much i rely on my major to get me in the Word. so sad. but not tonight, like last night. hence the reason i am thankful for people in my life like the ones previously mentioned. i love you (both).






p.s. i miss all the salinas hardcore kids.
steve has started talking to me out of the blue and excitedly telling me about his girlfriend and mark came back to LA last night, so i want to hang out soon. but really, i miss them all. ritchey, charlie, steve, scooba, ariel, jayjay, mark, even devlin and siggy though they drive me insane. even ariel's mom although she actually is insane. also, angie has been hitting me up on every social networking site i have, and apparently wants to hang out, though we've never done so apart from shows and her house with adrian and the boys - which she moved out of. which is probabaly a good thing. but that is a different story. i bet she thinks i'm cool now or something because i've been listening to the smiths. haha. or maybe not. i just hope i can be a good witness to her - she claims christianity but doesn't agree with all of the bible, which obviously equals not real christianity. so. God may be giving me an opportunity there. we'll see. two and a half more weeks. home. we'll see.

but seriously.

i want to love these people like He does.

i fail at that 99% of the time.

please pray i get better.

thanks.




-m.