updatetimemaybe

alright.

i've been home for exactly a week now, and my fears of not having friends has nearly completely ceased.

(i am so blessed.)

it would take a novel (or at least a couple more hours of staying up, which i don't want to do) in order to write in detail about the ways God has shown me His love and provision in my life. the most prominent of ways has been with my amazing friends who love Him and (in turn) love me. i am reconnecting with people i've barely spoken to in years or thought may have hated me, and having the most blessed times of fellowship i could ever imagine. i am starting a job with very good pay in my own home church, often hitching rides with my mother and getting to work out with her in the mornings as well. i will be (HOPEFULLY) getting my car fixed tomorrow, and next weekend i am going back down to LA to see one of my absolute favorite bands play a show in which i have FLOOR tickets to (which was not the case last time). and tomorrow evening, jessica is coming over to do a photoshoot for my etsy store which i am finally (slowly) starting up again.

speaking of jess, sunday night was the most relaxing and enjoyable time i've had in so long, and tuesday night with brittany was just unexpectedly amazing, full of wholehearted laughs, tears, and just wonderful fellowship. (i have missed you both more than i can put into words, and i cannot even express just how thankful i am to Jesus for having you both back in my life.)

this week has been relaxing and fantastic and there is not much i can really complain about (aside from not having a car i guess... ha). i have done nothing and yet got a lot done, and have even been on my computer long enough to sell some books on amazon, order things from ebay, and have relatively edifying (and awesomely sarcastic) conversations over facebook chat, aim, and skype. in fact, i have had two absolutely amazing nights in a row, though for completely different reasons.

and yet... i miss LA. i do. but after some thoughtful consideration, i've come to the conclusion that rather than the places themselves, i actually miss the people and the experiences i had with those certain people at those certain places more than anything else. i miss burbank and ventura and hollywood and santa clarita not because of the location, but because of the associations i have with them. i remember the feeling i used to get at sundown, or with late night drives into the city. i remember the anticipation i felt after a day of school, knowing that shortly after i would be getting to take a trip to jamba juice or going exploring or having "study" time at denny's. and i miss those times already. i miss those people i shared those times with. for instance, i really miss what i would have been doing on this very friday night/saturday morning, were i still in the LA area - hanging out/giving tacos/ministering to the homeless folk on skid row. those were some of the most amazing times i had right before leaving master's, and it's hard to know i won't be doing that practically ever again, at least not on a consistent basis. there is nothing more incredible than being used by God in the most evident of ways, especially when you least expect it.

and now, i'm sitting on the floor in my room thinking about all this, in awe at how my life got to be where it is - in these last three years, in this last semester, in the short two months when everything changed from what i thought my life would look like. but i'm okay with that now. no, i'm thankful for it. God knows what He's doing with my life, even if i couldn't be more clueless. and even though i might not know everything, i do know what the Lord is asking from me in a lot of ways, the most clearly being that which is in His Word. it's just hard to remember at times that the things i actually need to know are the very things He's already given to me - in His truth, and the ways He's growing me in my life - and this is what i must not neglect. the rest is not in my control. and, well, i'm kind of glad that's the case... because i'm pretty glad about where my life is right now.

(even if it doesn't all completely make sense yet.)

- koontz