it's been on my heart for a while; now i'm transferring it to the keys

the following was written partly because it's something i've been thinking through for a long time, and partly in response to this post.

...oh, yes. of course. you can only imagine how this one ends. it's classic. so romantic. just like a scene out of the notebook. or, for those of us less thrilled by the more hollywood-hyped films, perhaps something from eternal sunshine? maybe even a with a little wes anderson vibe? any way you spin it, they’re all the same. they're perfect. there's a reason we are drawn to them. they make damn good stories.

but in the end, that’s all they are. stories. books. movies. and we want them. we want to be in them. we want what they have. we want our lives and relationships and moments to look just like them, because obviously, that's what real love looks like. of course, that's what is really important. it's what makes relationships work. and grow. and last.

...and we couldn't be more wrong.


it doesn't, they don't, and no. and the sooner you realize that, the better off you are. that, i can promise you.


but why should you listen to me? what do i know?

i know what this feels like.

or at least, i used to know. i’ve stood at my doorstep, body shaking. i’ve had four am conversations sharing hearts and dreams and secrets. i’ve had songs written about me; beautiful poems. letters. i’ve been the lost love. i’ve been that girl. and sometimes, something brings it back, and i start to remember the feeling, vaguely. but honestly, it's not something i want to remember, anymore. having lived nearly two years of it at one point in my life, having thrown everything away for what i thought i knew i wanted, having gone against better judgment and advice and believing the words of a smart, charming boy over the words of reason… i've come to find out that in the end, it's empty. those things that you so cherished all come crumbling down when push comes to shove. when it gets hard. when she’s not as pretty. when he’s getting on your nerves. when you’re tired. when it’s not fun anymore. when life is normal. all those beloved moments of picturesque romance, the conversations with such witty banter it could have come from a high-budget indie film, the looks and words and touches carried out so perfectly it felt surreal?

you want to know the truth?

when it’s not backed up with real love, they don't mean anything.

and sure, everyone wants those moments. we want to be adored and sought after and have someone stare into our eyes as if we’re the only person on the earth worth looking at. but in reality, anyone can copy what they see in the movies. all it takes is throwing away any inhibition you may have, with maybe a little bit of insanity, and depending on your methods of choice, possibly a couple hundred dollars in gas money. because if you know that these grandiose (read: ridiculous) acts will get you what you want, what wouldn’t you do? even if you don’t get the girl in the end, you’ll be the melodramatic hero. you’ll still have a story that any hopeless romantic would die for. justin vernon could write a song (or a whole album) about it, probably.

(i know it well.)

and, sure. it's one thing to say, "of course what happens in the movies isn't real life. we know that." but when you're in the middle of living out something that makes the scene from the royal tenenbaums (with margot and richie and the perfect nico song in the background) a mundane occurrence, it's a lot harder to keep your head out of the clouds.

therefore, unless you realize that relationships are not a series of one perfect moment to the next, and are a lot more work than you ever (EVER) had imagined or heard, you will be living in a dreamworld. you will be continually disappointed. you will look for something that doesn't exist, and you will never be satisfied. you will have a skewed perspective of how someone should love you, and you will never learn how to really love someone else. you see, smaller acts of kindness often say a lot more about a person's character, more about his motives, and more about how he really loves rather than those epic moments of romantic glory... even the sacrificial ones. because in reality, lasting relationships take the kind of daily, continual sacrifice that actually doesn't look all that romantic on a big screen or sound all that beautiful when you talk about it.
 but, these are the things that matter. that are real. that count. 
things like listening when you don't want to. things like saying you're sorry when it isn't a big deal to you (but it is to her). things like letting him have space when he doesn't feel like holding you for hours (and not pouting about it later). things like communicating about what's bothering you, and things like hearing the other person out even when you don't agree. things like not expecting him to read your mind, and things like trying to understand her even if you think you never will. things like not making assumptions. things like considering the other person before yourself. things like being careful about how you speak to each other, even when you're angry. things like tone. things like body language. things like attitude. things like patience. kindness. gentleness. humility. not being rude, self-seeking, or easily angered. not keeping a record of the wrongs done against you, but forgiving. being truthful. protecting. trusting. hoping. enduring.

…and that, my friends, is real. that, is love.