...and you're not the exception.

“The person who calls himself a Christian, who says he loves God, yet does not seek His company and delight in it, can’t be a true lover of God… if he doesn’t daily give his heart to God and receive God’s heart in return, if he doesn’t daily renew his hatred of his own sin and his delight in God’s mercy, he has no relationship to God…if there is no private communication between you and Jesus—frequent and deep communion—then your religion is worthless. You’ve lost your first love.”

- Kris Lundgaard

old/new/now

i found this flipping through my prayer journal tonight. i wrote it december 6th, 2009. i remember. it was during church, after something convicted my heart so greatly, i couldn't contain the words it brought my head. it is truth that i want to rule over my heart and mind and life; a truth which so often doesn't. and i remember, that day, i needed it more than i could find the words to express. but i tried to express what i could.

and now, i find it an even more needed reminder for my life today than it was a month ago.

(i probably knew it would be. that's probably why i wrote it down.)

_________

Christ is my joy; I am His bride. I do not need anything or anyone else for emotional comfort, satisfaction, or gratification. Christ's love alone is sufficient; His person is enough. No human relationship will ever compare, no matter what age, level of spiritual maturity, or personal compatibility. It is then, and only then, when I keep this truth in view and never cease to bring it to mind (as I am so often quick to forget) so I might not forsake my first love in Christ, that I will ever be able to experience the fullest measure of joy that is possible in all other earthly relationships.

By what means?

Because Christ is the only One who has the ability and power and means to bring that joy about. His love is perfect. Therefore, I would be on a futile, aimless and depressing search were I to try and find a love from others to fulfill in my heart what only the Son of God is able to do. Yet, when this truth takes reign over my soul, and Christ has His rightful place on the throne of my desires and affections, my selfish expectations and demands of others to meet my cravings love will be incredibly less, if not vanished completely. It is then and only then, as previously stated, that i may give love - the true kind of love - freely to others, as it cannot help but generously overflow from the cup that I have in the love of my Savior. Furthermore, any love that I may receive from another, in whatever form, is simply accepted with gratitude and humility, no matter how flawed, common, or seemingly insignificant;

I already posses all the love my heart could ever need in the complete, perfect, and unending love of my Lord.

you're right, i'm not sleeping tonight

and maybe i won't for weeks

but i don't care anymore, because

soon, i'll be done here

no more homework or exams or class

and i'll go back to my hometown

where i came from before you changed

everything, and made me who i am

today; and maybe when i leave, i'll

never, ever come back - or maybe

i'll erase all the memories i stored

up in my brain with the thought that

i may need them for another time;

when i'm feeling lonely or just nostalgic

and i just might (maybe possibly)

forget this place ever existed, throw

all those three years away, but not

that which grew my soul and mind, no

the only thing which needs the

sentence of murder is those images

and thoughts of times when i

held the world close to my heart

in place of Christ, or the times

when i'd rather keep the silly

fool's gold on my hands than

treasure the precious stone

offered to me freely; and maybe,

just maybe, i'll do away with

all those thoughts, birthed by

the silly songs and stories i've

known, whispering to me silent

promises, keeping me

white-knuckled tight to the

thought, wrapped up and tied to

all the false hopes i cherished

telling myself that it's possible

for love to look so good.

but soon i'll be home,

and i will keep those

false hopes

here

far

far

away from me.

is it too late?

well it's true

i've seen the best and worst of you, but we're sticking through, because without all of the ups and downs we've been through - you know that it's true - that i could really get sick and tired of you.

(sad enough to say, that alone i could barely light a match --

but together we can burn this place down.)

that thing

that little virtual button which was pushed about an hour and a half ago

i almost feel as if it were the same as pressing the big green "GO" button to release rapid fire on myself the second i get back to school (or possibly beforehand)

from a squad of confused, angry, hurt, gossiping, whispering soldiers

some who used to call themselves friends

some who just like to get in the know about that sort of thing

some who don't care and just want to get on with it

and i don't know how to handle it --

something that feels so wonderful and deadly at the same time

something so simultaneously joyful, precious, sincere

which makes me so worried, anxious, concerned

...but about what?

other people's opinions?

(or about pleasing the Lord?)

--dang it, megan. you're such an idiot sometimes.

right now

my mind won't stop yelling at me.

i need to sell more things on ebay/half.com/amazon

i need to go through my binders and clean them out

i need to (continue to) loose weight

i need to not overdose on advil

i need to take those clothes to luna blu

i need to learn this song i'm supposed to sing in a coupleish hours

i need to take a shower and get dressed

i need to eat something

i need to do the above three things before i leave to go meet with danielle at six-thirty

i (still) need to call tess, jess, dom, and leslie before i leave in a week to go back to school

i don't want to go back to school...

i need to get over myself and my pride and my fear and my worry (and just change my facebook already)

i need to pray for more people, more often

i need to be less selfish

i need to love him better

i need to love everyone better

i need to spend time with my savior

because

the only One that's never left me has carried me so very far.