i just spent the last hour of my life reading blogs from a girl whom i used to be semi-good friends with in high school. i guess, though, you're kind of semi-good friends with everyone when you go to a school with only sixty-something students. but regardless. reading her words was so encouraging, yet, triggered that nostalgic sadness that always seems to overwhelm me when i come home on weekends and sit in my room and am alone. and i turned down all the picture frames staring me in the face, reminding me of what i thought my life was going to be like, now telling me i was wrong. so wrong. and i'll cry about it, and wish to re-do the last three years of my life, but that won't solve anything. it never does. so reading emma's words, about her and josh and what the Lord did with that, was encouraging, but also-- well. i can't be too vulnerable over the internet. but i want that. i want that so badly. and i know the Lord gives me the desires of my heart, when my desires are in line with His good and perfect and pleasing will for my life. and i want that too, i really do. i want to stop living for myself and thinking about myself, and i want to accomplish the good work that God has set out for me to do.
...but it would be really nice if i was able to do that with someone alongside me; leading me, holding my hand, someone i can trust, praying with me and for me, serving, loving, enjoying, enduring, and just doing life with me.
(my heart is soft again tonight.)
and while i'm somewhat frustrated with myself that i'm not as gung-ho about life as i was last night, i need not get too discouraged. the Lord knows i needed this. He knows my sappy, emotional heart will only keep me running back to Him, falling on my knees, begging for mercy and for Him to reveal Himself to me once again. and i know that He will, showing me His love and grace in only ways that He can.
and i know, really truly, that is all i need.
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