and he said to me --

"it's beautiful to see your heart for Christ and i know we share that totally, but you have so much to offer the world and i feel like i have my path already set."

i do not have anything to offer more than anyone else.

especially not you.

"but you just see so much and feel so much"

that's true.

but it's all crazy, it's all false, it's all a dream.

but it is alright.

because it doesn't have to do with what i want or what you want or what anyone wants.

yes, it has to do with my heart.

and as i looked at the grape juice-filled communion cup, being held in the air between my thumb and index finger, my heart broke

and He asked me if my heart really belongs to Him -

(because if it doesn't, i have no business partaking in fellowship with Him)

and my tears fell into that plastic miniature cup as i cried out with no words:

"You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same"

and in that moment my sin became more evident than ever and the grace and love of Christ covered it more fully than i have ever let myself see in years

and while i don't know what tomorrow brings

or the next day

or where my life will be at the end of this,

because of His promises

i know one thing for certain:

He is changing my heart.

and that will not change.